Published February 16, 2008
Trigger Switch
As I touched his frozen lips
And shivered at the icy fingertips
I tried not to let out a scream
When I realized it wasn't a dream
I am now no more to see
His glowing face to comfort me.
All of those summer nights wasted away.
And to think, I was to plan our wedding day!
The selfish bastard's stone cold dead.
I pulled the trigger and put the bullet in his head
Now his blood is on my hands
So selfish man, which one of us is grand?
Eat this bullet, as you did her
Do you want her? Are you sure?
Make the right choice.
For now I hold the biggest voice.
Standing over your cold stiff corpse.
Laughing with no such remorse.
Don't you wish you left that witch?
For shes the one who pulled the switch.
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139,481 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Your rhyming was good, and the poem was okay...
Rhythm problem:
"Make the right choice.
For now I hold the biggest voice."
Way off. Change this somehow...
Your rhyming is very well done, but the poem was...
depressing?
I don't know, I think that you've got a good style of writing, but you need a better story. I just didn't care for this as much.... I dunno, it's not my kind of thing, I guess.
I liked how it was a little confusing, but readable, and I liked the title.
Keep writing!!
Teh Wozzinator
Hi!
I think that you missed some of the supposed to be capitilised "i"'s.
[quote]And to think! I was to plan our wedding day!
I don't think that there's a "!" after "think". Just put a comma.
Other than that it was amazing with the rhyming! I think you should maybe start think of doing a small poetic novel with many rhyming poems.
I really liked it, just so you know!
shanan-cat!
Hello again,
well for many of my confusing parts i know most people dont get because of where i live
it was based around revenge, he cheated on her with another woman so she killed him.
the eating part was the base for the cheating
where i live thats how we refer to it.
im sorry if people may be confused with my choice of words, its just how it comes to me, and how i wanted it to sound. it may sound shabby and annoying but sorry for posting it. Its some of my earlier work
READ bloody pearls in the dramatic poetry section it is more recent
and yes i do have issues with puncuation and things, its an issue of mine. I'm sorry to those i bothered with this.
i wanted the criticism ill use it in my future work. thank you. but for this poem it will stay as is. for it represents what im about, with words and phrases.
This was cool, but a big red EMO FLAG came up in my head while reading.
I don't get. I don't see how that makes sense. As you did her...? What?And I have some critiques here, if you don't mind...
The whole
And the cliches...I'm not really too fond of. Everybody has heard parts of this in about a million poems/songs. Try using different phrases, like instead of
how about
Instead of GLOWING, use something like RADIANT. It has much better imagery.
The next to last stanza
The rhythm is off.
This was good, but try using my suggestions to make it better.
No problem, I enjoyed reviewing your work because its clear you've got real talent. The errors etc are very small in comparison, so well done.
Could you possibly PM me some of your other work? I love reading and reviewing so that would be great.
Eimearxx
Sorry about all the errors.
I'm just getting use to the writing idea.
My friend told me about the site and requested i post some of my work.
It may not seem very good, but it's still a work in progress, and all of your requests and comments help me to improve.
I never let anyone read my writing, i just have to get use to the idea of some good criticism.
Sorry if it was a bit emo, i was basically going for a more bipolar confusing aspect to draw attention and make you focus more on the point.
I'm not emo, and i'll try posting some of my enlightening work.
Thank you again for your attention to the errors.
And next time i'll be sure to make it error free.
Watch your capitalization and punctuation. You have it in some places, but not in others. It is very frustrating to see as a reader when a poem is let down by sloppy formatting.
But in the beginning, you say "I tried not to let out a scream", implying that the speaker is shocked that they actually killed the man. These two statements are in contradiction to one another and that throws off the whole poem. Decide: is the speaker happy that the man is dead, or in a state of shock? Then write the whole poem from that point of view...
Overall, this poem was nice, even if it was a bit cliched. The main problem that I had with it was the typographical errors. Even the best poem can be ruined by such mistakes. For the best impression that you can give your reader, try and proofread carefully and pick out any mistakes before you post it online or submit it anywhere.
Good luck with your writing.
~GryphonFledgling
This is a good enough poem, but I agree, it sends the emo alarm bells in my ears ringing, the first two lines in particular
Touching some guys frozen lips is usually how a vampire novel starts. It obvious from the piece that you have talent, but your spending most of your time trying to make it rhyme and therefore overdoing it on the cliches and dark language.
The title is fab though, and it really drew me into read. But you have to keep me there- a closer look will really make this poem shine.
Hope that helps,
Eimearxx
Hi I am gothgirl originally but i changed my name. I like what you got here it is a little depressing and cliche but isn't bad at all.
Eat this bullet, as you did her
Do you want her are you sure?
Make the right choice.
For now i hold the biggest voice.
Why did they eat a bullet? Now that is so emo. Sorry but it is. Also if you want it to rhyme make sure it does it through the whole poem not just half. It will sound bad when you read it. I am not trying to be mean i am saying that is all. If you have any questions about what i wrote please PM me at any time.
Have a good day.
Gothgirl01 or SimonCowellLuver