Published February 16, 2008
Stone Cold
His hands felt of concrete,
as they traced along my back.
Shivers of cold ran down my spine.
Trying to gasp for the air slipping away.
Holding on to what kept my breathing,
killed me in the end.
My last sense of hope vanished in the air,
taken from me without a choice.
He destroyed what I had built.
No emotion spread his face,
as one last stone hard kiss left me in a state,
as he watched me slowly slip away.
My death was on his hands,
but he had nothing to lose.
For to him our love was forbidden,
my blood was the escape to freedom.
Sweet release of salvation,
was what happened unto me
A tragic tale of and untold death
Chosen for his sacrifice a constant atrophy.
My Darling, you’ve betrayed me
Left me no light for warmth
All that’s left is this cold dark room
In which you’ve left me in
To late for apologies,
no time for constant goodbyes.
Since you love this type of ending,
all that’s left is for me to die.
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139,481 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Yes. In a comparison between your original and the new edited version, you did a great job in adding a more dramatic end.
I liked the poem. The way that the title and the emotionless tone of the poem really match up. The narrator just seems so hopeless and stoic and it really adds a lot to the poem.
Great rhythm, great language. Thumbs up from me!
~GryphonFledgling
Well thanks so much SimonCowellLover now I love it more. I used your suggestion to create a longer more dramatic end. Enjoy.
I have nothing to say ti this except that you are the best writer that I have ever seen and reviewed.
Really you should maybe when your older, publish some of your poems in a grand book and for sure I'll read it!
shanan-cat!
[quote="SkaterPunk2011"][u][b]Stone Cold[/b][/u]
His hands felt of concrete,
as they traced along my back.
Shivers of cold ran down my spine.
Trying to gasp for the air slipping away.
Holding on to what kept my breathing,
killed me in the end.
My last sense of hope vanished in the air,
taken from me without a choice.
He destroyed what I had built.
No emotion spread his face,
as one last stone hard kiss left me in a state,
as he watched me slowly slip away.
My death was on his hands,
but he had nothing to lose.
For to him our love was forbidden,
my blood was the escape to freedom.[/quote]
Is this it? LOL XD It was starting to get good and it ended like that. I think you can make more out of this poem. To me you can make it more lengthy than this i know you can, Just try to add more. it just stop it don't have a paticular ending like most poems have. trust me you get busted for it here. I have and they are not very nice about it so i am telling you now that you bettwr watch how you end your poem.
Hoped I Helped! SimonCowellLuver