Camellias

NICE
very preety!!!
I liked it very much!!!
You should add more details, but the rest is very nice
bye..

I'm really disappointed that all you people who claim to be nit-picky about grammar haven't caught this one yet!


Sing to me, through ramparts of fury.
The tears I cry blind me from the truth.
The music box is playing; it's too late to turn back.
One more dance my darling, for this is the end.

Too, not to!

Sorry, I know that's small and a common mistake, but I'm still really surprised I'm the first to catch it.

Other than that one tiny little thing, I think everyone said anything that needed to be fixed. It truly is a lovely piece =)

That was a deep and moving poem. You obiviously have talent!!!!
Kepp up the good work!

Hi again!
I liked your poem, it really touched me with nice words.
The only thing that I didn't like was the fact that you had a weird ending.
It didn't flow with the rest of your poem, it just kind of stopped with no meaning.

Maybe you should try something like:

My mouth runs dry for words
like a well sunken in sand.
You watch as tears slit, and I
sink in the field of flowers.

My heart wasn't full,
for you weren't there to fill.
I lay in field full of camellias,
And watch my life go by with out a second beat.


Or something like that, you know?
Keep up the good work though!
shanan-cat!

Yea a bit of more rhyming would be nice.
For example the last line maybe something like...

kidnapped by this curse..

Just a thought.
I really like it without the rhyming though.

Thanks for the PM!

So here are the tricks:

Be open. Write your poem, let it flow--then wait a minute, get a glass of water, forget all about that poem. Return to that poem and delete anything, anything at all that you've heard of before, seen before, felt before, thought of before. Anything that might've been subconciously read before. Strip the poem of all adjectives; take away all emotion; kill all the easy, second-grade words.

Let me edit your poem and make it my own (don't use my version, it's mine.)


Camellias
The camellias breahte in, breathe out
and the nectar soaks the earth;
Lullabies spring from my mouth
and bend your ear on the grass.

I wait for your to sing, but you
watch as tears slit my skin
and I reach for you, but my fingers
envelope the blossom.

My mouth runs dry for words
like a well sunken in sand.
You watch as tears slit, and I
sink in the field of flowers.

Notice how every metaphore, every description, every image is original?

My greatest tip for you is to condense the poem you wrote and then dot it with metaphores, images, and smilies.

Hope I helped!

This was mediocre. It was too forced, too cliche, too vague.

Examples of bad writing from your poem:

"I think about the years I've wasted.
Captivated by your loving touch,"

Show, not tell, please.

"I'm left alone in my field of camellias.
He was swept away with the breeze.
My love has forsaken me,
never to return once more."

Show, not tell please
&
Too cliche, with the never to return once more, and my love has forsaken me.

"One more dance my darling, for this is the end."
So cliche.

"The lullaby has finished,
not even one more verse.
I fear my soul has vanished,
kidnapped by the wind."

Bad word choice ("kidnapped by the wind"?), and cliche "The lullaby has finsihed."

The rest was beautiful.

I think that if you center on more specific things than "love", "loneliness", and basically the image of the field, you could create a much better poem by showing, not telling.

Myelf, I didn't understand what was happening at all.

Hope I helped! Please PM me if you have any questions or anything.

*Nods head approvingly*

Two words for this one.

Spot. On.

But It would be cruel to only give you those, so I'm gonna tell you what I like about this one. Firsty, this line here:

As I lay in my field of camellias,
I think about the years I've wasted.

The music box is playing; it's to late to turn back.

Why? Why so many depressing poems?

This was a nice poem. I think that the rhythm was a bit choppy though. I really couldn't find rhyme or reason to it. But your language was really nice and I loved the imagery.

Nice job. *thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

This was brill, honestly. A bit of rhyming would have been nice, to my opinion, but I;m not sure to be fair, because I know sod-all about poetry and the point you got across was very clever. This was a very good piece. You have talent certainly!

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Beautiful words! Beautiful images! Great piece! Just a couple corrections:

1:

As I lay in my field of camellias,
I think about the years I wasted.
Captivated by your loving touch,
a lullaby for a heartrending finish.

I'm left alone in my filed of camellias.
He was swept away with the breeze.

SkaterPunk2011 wrote:Camellias
As I lay in my field of camellias,
I think about the years I wasted.
Captivated by your loving touch,
a lullaby for a heartrending finish.

Sing to me through ramparts of fury. These two lines could be one sentence just place a comma. It make it flow better ok.
The tears I cry blind me from the truth.
The music box is playing; it's to late to turn back.
One more dance my darling, for this is the end.

I'm left alone in my filed of camellias.
He was swept away with the breeze.
My love has forsaken me,
never to return once more.

The lullaby has finished,
not even one more verse.
I fear my soul has vanished,
kidnapped by the wind.