Victoria walks into the coffee shop clutching her coat to keep her warm. As soon as she enters she let's go of her jacket and walks up to the front of the store to buy a drink. The smell of coffee is familiar and she knows that this is the one place she is safe. Victoria orders a frappuccino.
"Here you go Ma'm." A young man with blonde hair, that looks like he just got out of college hands her the frappuccino. "I like your necklace looks like somthing my girlfriend would like. Where did you get it?" He asks motioning to Victorias locket.
"J.C.Penney." Victoria says sweetly even though she knows she didn't get it from J.C.Penney.
Smelling the warmth in her cup Victoria takes a seat. The drink warms her frozen hands. When she is seated in the far corner of shop, people pass by with there hair getting ruffled by the brisk winds. They all are racing to there next destination. The coffee shop door is crowded with people coming in and others knowing that one day they will have to leave. A tiny bell tinkles very time someone comes in or out causing a gust of cold air that sends a shiver down Victorias back. She takes a sip of her frappuccino.
Everyone has there jackets held high on there neck. Victoria relaxes because she has been running for her entire life and at the coffee shop is when she is most peaceful, but still, she must remain allert. As she looks out her window that is fogged because of the warmth inside the first snow dances to the ground happily. It's an early winter for New York but she could live with that. Cold days meant warm evenings by a fire trying to warm the bones. Sitting in the wood seat she thinks about her day. She need to get dinner made because she is expecting some friends and first she needs aome groceries. Getting up Victoria buys a cinnamon bagel and sits down and eats. Once her bagle is gone she wips her fingers. Victoria takes one last sip of her warm drink before leaving. She buttons up her jacket and walks out the door of the nice warm coffee shop. One step out and Victoria knows she has made a mistake to leave the coffee shop, for the wind blows so fierce it feels like Antarctica. Victoria pulls out her cap and no matter how silly she must look in a polka dot hat she shoves it on her head. She walks over to the subway and boards it.
The subway feels like Iceland, but there is no wind, so she is greatful. After a while the subway seems to warm up, possibly from the body heat of 500 passengers or the heat of the subway scraping against the tracks if that is possible. Victoria holds onto the handle bars as the subwayturns right, left, right, left. She quickly grabs for necklace as if it would fall off at the motion. It's still there. A man with a scar through one eye walks past her and bumps her. Victoria grabs for her necklace and sits down on the edge of a seat. The man with the scars turns back to her with a grin that is mischievous. Being friendly Victoria smiles back, all is well and Victoria breaths a sigh of relief. As she leaves the warm subway that is crowded with people she enters the cold rigid air. After about 10 minutes of walking Victoria see's a shiny black car. It looks like the car her mother described to her, so Victoria gets into a fast walk. She is to late, for someone is already waiting for her.
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Accck! I am so stupid! Forgot to check AGAIN!!!!!
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Finally. Checked that one!
That thing I wrote was a reviiew but I forgot to check it, so I'll check this, and make arrows pointing downward!
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Hi, 3K here. You might want to check up on your grammar. Make sure you don't use apostrophes when you don't need them and you use them when you do need them. I'm sure you've completed second grade so I don't need to tell you where to go back and change that stuff. Read it over once looking for that in particular. Now, I think you have a pretty good idea here. However...I'm just not interested at first. You need to put in something to grab my attention. Maybe some dialouge? Also, instead of just describing at first, take a creative approach. I couldn't focus when you were talking about her locket. It's a little ackward to be in a coffee shop scene and just start describing a locket. Perhaps instead when, say, she is picking up her frappuccino, the server might ask her where she got it, and she said J.C. Penny because that's where it looks like it's from. After the dialogue ends, you could say, of course Victoria wouldn't tell where it was really from. That would draw the reader in ad cause them to keep reading, because, of course, they want to know where the locket is from and why Victoria is being secretive about the whole thing. I agree with WIP(work in progress) about adding those little snippets he suggested. It's those parts that really make the story. And remember, while rereading, reread with the eyes of a reader, not an author.
Hi! I'm new here! This is my first review, yippee! Ok.
"ruffled by the brisk winds" is nice.
I can definitely see this going somewhere. Being the critical me, I'll say that I feel like it's too slow. Let me paint a picture: reading it feels like wading though water when reading should feel like flying. Get my drift? We need more energy and spice. Excitement. I know this probably only the beginning, but have you heard the saying, 'show don't tell'? Instead of saying: "Getting up Victoria buys a cinnamon bagel and sits down and eats" try something along the lines of, "Victoria fumbled with her penny-filled purse as she bought her favourite; a cinnamon bagel. She couldn't help her disgust at the server's calloused fingers as she took the bagel and returned to her seat by the window."
Also, just a small grammar thing. When you are talking about peoples' possession of something, you have to use 'their' not 'there'. There is used when you're talking about a location. "Everyone has their jackets held high on their necks".
Otherwise, I really like some of your describing words
Thanks! I will change it.
Hey. You have an nickname, Work In Progress. I'm luckystar3000...3K