z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Hidden Entity - 3.3 - The Crater

by Lightsong


Terna covered her mouth and let out a mocking laugh. ‘They can’t possibly do that!’ she said between breaks, shaking her head. ‘Those who tried to rule some parts of Earth - or any other planet, in fact - only managed to do so because we allowed them! We were curious on how they were going to govern the humans, and always, it ended with humans hating or fearing them. Deities should bring no fear and hatred but care and passion.’

That is rich coming from a deity who throws a tantrum once a while, Anam thought while he nodded at Terna’s words, grinning as if agreeing with her.

Ilal saw through him, of course, an advantage drawn from spending a lot of time with him. Or was it he with her? Shrewd glare reflected her recognition, but she said nothing, perhaps not wanting to cause a conflict with Terna. ‘Terna is right. The greatest achievement the entities had came from one named Krona, who managed to rule a country. For a month.’

Anam scratched his head. ‘I don’t remember him. What’s his story?’

‘And because we allowed him,’ Terna added, wiping dust freshly settling on her lap. Couldn’t she control it with her ability? ‘Alta was so fascinated with Krona’s beauty and managed to persuade Nevea to let Krona controlled Ha’il.’ She sighed and rolled her eyes. ‘As it turned out, Krona was a dictator, chauvinist, and patriarchal - the worst god I’ve ever met.’

‘Nevea and Terna were about to destroy him when I told them to wait. I sensed a scheme brewing up against Krona due to his governing implicating a huge portion of the people of Ha’il.’ Ilal nodded. ‘I didn’t knew they could do that, but one day they leaked Nevea’s sunlight to pretty much burn those who supported Krona’s policies, and parts of the country, in extension. The rest who didn’t flee and started a new life somewhere else.’ A smile tugged her lips. ‘Of course, most of them chose to live at Ilaeg, and rightly so.’

Terna rolled her eyes. She held up her hand, letting the sleeve to fall down and reveal her pale arm. Anam’s eyes widened at the familiar gesture. ‘Your tendency to boast your favourite country is relentless, and yet, Ilaeg is where this issue started.’ She positioned her hand, making it look like she was going to catch a fish on the grass, and shoved towards the grass. Eyes closed, she went silent.

Anam folded his arms - which was done carefully to avoid touching the ring. Terna was at work. His sister might be annoying and uncooperative at times, but she knew how to get a job done. And she cared about her planets. Humans might not be her favourite creatures, but she did provide shelters to other deities, those of lesser rank who couldn’t create their own homes. She wasn’t vocal on showing her care, but her body language said it all.

‘None… No disturbance on the East and West… the same goes to North and South… Ilaeg is untouched…’ Terna murmured, frowning in occasion. Her breath came out slow like she was sleeping and her hand clutched the grass. ‘Further… Ha’il remained deserted... no earthly manipulation there… the West… all countries are safe… the East… Ezbegh stays as usual… the North East is safe… the South East…’ Her eyes popped open, sharp breath drawn, and they closed again. ‘Alasia experiences destruction… some parts are wiped away… a quarter of it is gone… it keeps continuing…’

Then, the trance ended. Her hand withdrew from the ground, sleeve covering it again as it rested on her laps. Her frown remained; her eyes were now unfocused. Alasia was the country at which she was the patron. She stared at Ilal, then at Anam. Her chest heaved upwards and inwards, quicker than before, a complete opposite than it was when she scanned the Earth.

‘The ground keeps disappearing - gone without a trace! - and I,’ she stopped as Ilal grabbed her hand, squeezing it to provide assurance, then continued, ‘we have to go there. We have to go there while it happens, and only then - only then can we know who’s the cause of it.’ She scowled. ‘No one messes with my country.’ Anam could relate to that - he felt like he was losing his Will when Terna mentioned Ezbegh.

Ilal nodded and turned to him. ‘The portal, Anam.’

‘It’s materializing,’ he replied, tilting at the purple ring at his side, glowing brighter with every second passed by.

They went through it to discover the most baffling destruction they had ever witnessed. By entities, no less.

Silence mourned the destruction at Kalaki, Alasia’s capital city. Craters claimed the ground, destroying colourful tents the traders used to sell their goods. The city was famous for its open door policy towards foreign traders. The local ones were farmers, growing vegetables and fruits as well as shepherding animals. Agriculture was their main industry, made possible by the land’s rich quality, a blessing from Terna for worshiping her through a couple centuries. The traders had their busiest day on Deshar.

And now the patron goddess watched Kalaki’s annihilation with unfocused eyes. Terna’s quivering hand touched her lips. ‘No,’ she whispered, floating closer to the ground. ‘No. No, no, no. No!’ She fell to her knees, both hands now covering her mouth.

The land being raped wasn’t the worst part. Anam covered his nose with his hand, frowning. In or beside the craters laid human bodies. Corpses. Soaked fully with blood to the point where he couldn’t figure out their appearances. Children, women, and men. Old and young. They laid on the ground like red dots on a crumpled paper. The stink of their blood spread.

Ilal and he joined Terna. Ilal lowered to wrap her arm around Terna’s shoulder and whispered assurance to her. Despite her calm efforts, Anam could sense the underlying dread Ilal tried to cover. This scene before them must’ve reminded her to what happened at Rof Itwah - the zombies, the crater. They thought what had happened was worse enough; this was a bomb shell. Ilal helped Terna who had started to cry to get on her feet. Both goddesses stared at the display of nightmare, knowing full well it couldn’t be undone.


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Sun Mar 26, 2017 6:56 am
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Wolfi wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!!!

Howdy again, Sir ;)

Ilal saw through him, of course, an advantage drawn from spending a lot of time with him. Or was it he with her? Shrewd glare reflected her recognition, but she said nothing, perhaps not wanting to cause a conflict with Terna.

Love this. Ilal and Anam's relationship is great.

Krona was a dictator, chauvinist, and patriarchal

Consider rearranging this to "Krona was a chauvinist and patriarchal dictator."

The rest who didn’t flee and started a new life somewhere else.

Not sure what this sentence means, or what Nevea's sunlight is and all that stuff.

She held up her hand, letting the sleeve to fall down and reveal her pale arm. Anam’s eyes widened at the familiar gesture.

Why did his eyes widen if it's a familiar gesture?

Gosh! What's happening to this poor planet? D: Zombies, a crater, and now this?

I could really feel the sense of hopelessness the deities shared in this chapter part. They're each such powerful beings, especially when they work in harmony to share their unique powers, but this - even in the billions of years of their existence, this is new and terrible and nightmarish, and clearly, as shown when Terna gives up hope and crumples to the ground, there's nothing at the moment that they can do about it. And it's been done by an entity, of all things!

I'm still not exactly sure what an entity is, but I know that they're not supposed to be this powerful. Maybe this "hidden entity" isn't an entity after all, but a deity? I think that might have already been debunked, but I'm still thinking back on that goddess that lives on Pluto and starts with the letter "y."

I enjoyed this chapter part a lot more than the last one! This one still had some info-dumping but somehow it was written in a more comprehensive manner. The ending is also exciting and I want to read the next part so I'm ending this here!

Great work!




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Thu Mar 16, 2017 11:10 pm
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey Light! I am back again, as always, to keep reviewing. :D

Ah, the stakes are becoming ever higher now. Right now, I feel like I still have very little idea of what's causing this, which I guess makes sense because the other characters don't really know either. I'm still not really feeling a connection to the world, though - I care that this is happening because the main characters care, but we haven't seen much of Earth and its culture yet, so I have no other attachment to it, which makes me not care as much about what's going on.

I sensed a scheme brewing up against Krona due to his governing implicating a huge portion of the people of Ha’il.’ Ilal nodded. ‘I didn’t knew they could do that, but one day they leaked Nevea’s sunlight to pretty much burn those who supported Krona’s policies, and parts of the country, in extension. The rest who didn’t flee and started a new life somewhere else.’ A smile tugged her lips. ‘Of course, most of them chose to live at Ilaeg, and rightly so.’

This generally confused me. I think you were saying that there was a revolution and the people overthrew Krona, but I don't understand what Nevea's sunlight is, and I'm not sure who you mean by "the rest" - was it Krona's supporters who fled? And why did they chose to live at Ilaeg - is it just because it's a nice place and that's what Ilal was saying? "Implicating" isn't the right word to use here - you would usually implicate someone in a scheme or a plot, meaning "prove they were part of a scandal (or frame them)." I think "oppressing" is what you were looking for.

‘Alasia experiences destruction… some parts are wiped away… a quarter of it is gone… it keeps continuing…

This dialogue felt very unemotional compared to how much Terna cares about that country and the fact that she's just finding out there's something very wrong. This should be a big shock to her, and although she sees the full devastation and reacts to it once they get there, just knowing that something big is wrong should affect her almost as badly - she'd be nervous and apprehensive.

I also feel like it would be more logical for her to say that the ground's shape is wrong and unfamiliar, since technically it's a big crater in the ground, so the ground is still there, it's just a lot lower than normal.

I also think it might be a better idea to have this scene in Ilal's POV, simply because you generally want to show the scene through the eyes of the character that has the most at stake, because then it has the most emotional punch. Anam doesn't care that much about Earth compared to Ilal and Terna - his emotions are very muted in this scene. But if you put us in Ilal's head, we get to feel all the accompanying emotions instead of just being told about them, and this scene will get a lot more powerful.

And that's all I've got! <3





Forever is composed of nows.
— Emily Dickenson