z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Hidden Entity - 3.1 - The Crater

by Lightsong


Anam’s older brother Alta once asked him why he let Ilal boss him around. To be honest, he was a lazy god, and having Ilal at his side made him do godly things, which was important because a god couldn’t be lazy. It was a mutual relationship - Ilal ordered him around, and he learned godly responsibilities from her. Yes, he viewed Ilal as a female, and this view made for a fun joke with Alta because Alta viewed Ilal as a male.

Both of the gods never said their references out loud in front of Ilal, of course. Her drill of logic was more terrifying that Alta’s poisonous spear.

Using his Will, Anam gave a mental nudge for his ring to spin, providing him energy. The object was as much a part of him as was his other body parts. Why, when the Queen bore him out of her Will, he came into the world with a ring around his godly baby body! She gave him the name Anam, which meant ‘possibilities’, and told him when he could comprehend divine language that there was never an instance of a godly baby born with an ungodly body part. Since then, he boasted about the ring as a sign of his uniqueness among the deities.

A purple ring appeared in front of them, which enlarged into the size of a portal. They went through it and ended up at the same sky where they had been this morning. What laid in front of them was shocking.

There was a huge crater on the ground, starting from the field to the farmer’s house. The area Ilal had watched was gone, leaving behind it a huge hole which seemed to be a single story deep. Silence accompanied the air; their eyes were glued to the puzzling situation. Eventually, they flew to the crater.

‘Could a human be the cause of this?’ Ilal asked with a measured voice. Perhaps seeing her servants turned to zombies was more horrifying than seeing this crater.

Folding his arms, Anam shook his head. ‘A human can’t do this. Even if they could, the effect won’t last long.’

He inspected the crater. The hole was smooth, shaped as if someone took a scoop of it and put it on top of their ice-cream. He’d seen an ice-cream vendor before; the shape of their scoop was a perfect semi sphere. The lack of red gas around this void presented more confusion. He turned to Ilal, too lazy to think by his own. ‘What are we going to do now?’

‘We have to fix this. Get Terna,’ Ilal said. ‘I’ll guard this place.’

‘Are you sure?’ Anam asked, raising an eyebrow. ‘I mean, even if you’re a deity -’

‘It is precisely because of that I’m going to guard this place,’ Ilal cut in. She stared at Anam. ‘I know what you’re thinking, but if my assumption is correct, the enemy has left this place already. They have achieve their objective.’ She turned to an elegant woman, thus increasing Anam’s suspicion about them being a female.

‘And that is?’

‘Spreading confusion. Making themselves known, yet undetected.’ She - yes, the pronoun was definitely accurate - turned to the gap. ‘I’m going to investigate this place while I watch. Go.’

‘Alright, your Highness.’ Anam made a bow, but realized Ilal couldn’t see him. He carried the same process with his ring and went through the purple portal.

While he searched around their parents’ palace, he considered the current situation. Someone did this on purpose. The farmer being the possessed one wasn’t a coincidence; surely the entity knew the human was under Ilal’s supervision. Also, today was Deshar, the day used by Ilal to go to Rof Itwah to deliver announcement, warning, or other kinds of godly messages. That meant the entity had been watching her for a long time. The most important question right now was: why? Why did the enemy do this to them, Children of Creation? Surely -

‘Brother?’ a feminine voice greeted him. ‘Are you looking for someone?’

He turned around and saw the tall, female body belonged to Terna. If he wasn’t attracted to gods, he would’ve been lusting for her right now. Her pale face with panda eyes was pleasant to see unless she wore a depressing expression, which she usually did.

‘Yes,’ Anam said, smiling at her, ‘I’m looking for you, in fact. There’s an earthly manipulation on, er, Earth. Ilal ask for your assistance.’

Terna looked down to the floor and uttered a low curse, prompting Anam to raise both his eyebrows. She looked up and noticed his expression. ‘I was about to meet Yalir. Now that our relationship is known, I don’t have to hide it any longer.’ She paused. ‘Though, of course, it was she who insisted for it to be so. She was a refugee goddess.’

Anam wanted to say he didn’t ask for this sort of information, but considered it to be rude, and most likely would offend Terna. Knowing her, she wouldn’t want to talk to him for months - not that she ever actively talked to any one of the Children. She could also neutralize his magic underground and in ocean, though he couldn’t comprehend how she did that, which was not surprising since planet composition wasn’t one of his interests. He was more to manly, sparkly stuffs.

Terna scrutinized his face. ‘Oh, never mind,’ she said, dismissing him with a wave of her hands. You wouldn’t understand. Gods are childish in nature.’

Anam took it as a complaint rather than an insult and let it passed him like a hot wind. He opened the purple portal. Terna adjusted her braided hair before they went through it.

There, Ilal looked up and greeted them - Terna, specifically. ‘Ah, sister. You’ve arrived.’ She spread her hand to the crater. ‘It seems an unknown entity has punctured the ground. I am still figuring out if there is a relation to the grass Anam and I found earlier. I do notice the disappearance of the sheep.’

Trust Ilal to have a pair of feminine eyes, Anam thought, smiling as if it was by default.

‘The sheep? What are their relevance in this?’ Terna descended to the crater.

‘That is yet to be known, but everything else in this place is undisturbed. This crater,’ Ilal said, pointing to the hole, ‘was originally the place for the sheep.’

Anam nodded, confirming Ilal’s observation. ‘Whoever did this, they covered their tracks, and made their action known. It is as if they are testing our wisdom.’

‘I thought so too,’ Ilal agreed.

Terna let out a sigh. ‘This would take a long time,’ she whispered, caught only by Anam’s ears. ‘Before we proceed on discussing the mystery, I want to fix this mess. I’m sure there’s nothing left to gain out of it?’

Ilal shook her head. ‘None, sister.’


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Sun Mar 26, 2017 7:45 am
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Sujana wrote a review...



Alright, so sorry if this'll be a short review (I'm really sorry that most of these are short reviews) but since I have to do homework and it's getting worryingly late into the afternoon I'll begin and give a little bit of my thoughts here.

Firstly, the small nitpicks:

Her drill of logic was more terrifying that Alta’s poisonous spear.


Alright, so I find this line funny, but I'm not sure if 'drill of logic' is the proper way to say it. I'll say this, I've never heard anybody say 'drill of logic' before, so it's very radical imagery you've got there, and it's fitting with the comparison. However, I would've preferred it if you managed to describe Ilal's anger in a more fitting way, because I'm still not intimidated by her 'logic'. If you want to go vanilla, "Her anger was more terrifying" already fits better, though it's more boring. Again, your choice.

‘I’m looking for you, in fact. There’s an earthly manipulation on, er, Earth. Ilal ask for your assistance.’


Asked, is what you meant there.

However, while I'm on this scene, I'm also interested in what this line means:

If he wasn’t attracted to gods, he would’ve been lusting for her right now.


Do you mean if Anam wasn't attracted to male gods? Because, on a general term, Terna is a god, but I think it makes more sense if you specify that Anam is attracted to male gods. Also, it's a little stereotypical, but that would also explain this bit:

He was more into manly, sparkly stuffs.


Besides the addition of 'in', I will say I've never heard anybody use 'manly' and 'sparkly' in the same sentence. Good job in that front.

Now, I'm quite intigued with Ilal and Anam's relationship. I like the idea that Anam is Ilal's willing 'slave' because he needs to learn responsibility, it gives him an extra shade of dimension, and also explains why he's the god of magic to some extent--not that magic isn't hard, it's just it's an easier route compared to the hard work some humans put stuff into. I think Anam is slowly growing into my favorite character, with Ilal as a close second, but that's only because I feel like I know Anam as a friend while Ilal is more like my mom/dad/parental unit.

Anyway, thanks for the cool read. See you next week.

--Elliot.




Lightsong says...


In this world, deity is the general term for a superior being ruling their creations, while god/dess specifies their gender. :3



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Sun Feb 26, 2017 4:47 am
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Wolfi wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!!!

Hello again, good Sir ~
I realized I spelled Anam's name incorrectly in my last review. Sorry 'bout that D:

Her drill of logic was more terrifying that Alta’s poisonous spear.

"Than," I believe.

The area Ilal had watched was gone, leaving behind it a huge hole which seemed to be a single story deep.

Using that word undermines the intensity of the size of the hole. It also doesn't fit as well as it could in this context because stories typically go up while this hole is going down.

Perhaps seeing her servants turned to zombies was more horrifying than seeing this crater.

It took me a moment to realize that the "servants" here are Ilal's humans. At first I thought this was saying the angel servants had been changed to zombies. Maybe just use a different word, such as "humans."

Even if they could, the effect won’t last long.

The effect of what, the crater? So if a human could create the crater, the magic wouldn't hold and it would return back to normal shortly?

They have achieve their objective.

**achieved

She turned to an elegant woman, thus increasing Anam’s suspicion about them being a female.

I agree with Mea. They've known each other for thousands of years, and I'm sure Anam's seen Ilal in this form before and already has a definite opinion on what their/her gender is.

If he wasn’t attracted to gods, he would’ve been lusting for her right now.

Anam xD

She spread her hand to the crater.

I don't know why, but I don't like the verb "spread" here. Maybe it's because "spreading" a hand doesn't make sense, unless it's to un-clench fingers, which is not what she's doing here. Anyway, I think something like "She indicated the crater with an outstretched hand" would sound better.

I am still figuring out if there is a relation to the grass Anam and I found earlier.

Grass or gas?

'...I do notice the disappearance of the sheep.'

Trust Ilal to have a pair of feminine eyes, Anam thought, smiling as if it was by default.

I don't really understand how that garners that response. In what way is noticing the absence of sheep feminine?

I also agree with Mea in that Anam could use a more distinctive POV voice. He refers frequently to ways in which Ilal is more feminine than masculine, but other than that I can't think of any other repetitive I noticed. Anam's a funny, lazy guy. Maybe find a way to portray that more in his voice?

I'm still sticking with my hypothesis of a few parts back about Terna and Yalir being suspicious suspects for the whole red gas thing and maybe this crater thing. Otherwise I have no idea why people were turned into zombies or why someone carved a giant ice cream scoop out of the ground, killing all the sheep/making them disappear.

Looking forward to more Anam POV in the following chapter parts! Keep up the good work. :)




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Wed Feb 22, 2017 8:55 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Hi Light! Yep, already doing the review. :D

So, I kind of like that Anam thinks of Ilal as a girl and that Alta thinks of them as a guy. Especially since you make it feel lighthearted, rather than either of them trying to be cruel. (You might ruffle a few feathers, though, so be careful.) However, I think you could tone it down a little - it makes sense for Anam to refer to Ilal with female pronouns in his head, but I felt like the comments about some action "reinforcing his suspicions" just didn't make sense. Anam's known Ilal for thousands of years. He should have long since settled on his opinion of their gender, and in general be very used to Ilal's mannerisms and habits. When my sister walks across the room, I don't see her walk as feminine or any other adjective - it's just hers, her unique pace that I'd recognize anywhere. Now, Anam can totally think that Ilal's mannerisms are feminine, but it shouldn't feel like he's just noticing this.

I feel like Anam's voice could be more distinct. It feels different from Ilal's, but only a little.

I think we need to know more about this world. We know that it has some level of technology, enough to make ice cream and air conditioning anyway, and we know that it has some magic. But what is it like to live there? What are the cities, continents, cultures? We get a bird's-eye perspective of it all since we're in a god's POV, but that leaves me feeling adrift, not grounded in the world. What would be great is if you could find some reason for one of them to take human form and mingle for a while - perhaps Anam just likes to amuse himself by blending into the natives sometime. Right now, it's just impossible to know what's realistic or not in this setting, and it's hard to care about the people being hurt because they're so far removed from the reader.

If he wasn’t attracted to gods, he would’ve been lusting for her right now.

I thought this was a kind of awkward way to show that he's gay, since Terna's his sister and all. (Plus, lust is a rather strong word.) Though maybe these gods don't care about incest, like Greek/Roman gods.

How Anam described his relationship with Ilal made me laugh. It definitely seems to be true. I also like how there's a lot less shock and horror in Anam's viewpoint - it really highlights his differing personality, that he's not as concerned about this stuff.

Grammar!
Even if they could, the effect won’t last long.

Should be "wouldn't," since it's a conditional statement, not something actually occuring.

I’m going to investigate this place while I watch.

I'm just not sure what you meant by "while I watch." I think "I'm going to investigate" would work fine.

He carried the same process with his ring and went through the purple portal.

'Carried' is not a verb that makes sense in this context, since you can't carry a process. "Repeated the same process" would work better.

Anam took it as a complaint rather than an insult and let it passed him like a hot wind.

First off, this was really funny and made me laugh for some reason. Second of all, it should be "pass like a hot wind." (Not past tense, and you don't need "him" at all.)

And that's all I've got! I enjoyed this part, I'm enjoying being in Anam's head, and can't wait for the next part.





A true poet does not bother to be poetical. Nor does a nursery gardener scent his roses.
— Jean Cocteau