Adventure beckons! From a horror scene this'll turn into a detective or buddy cop mystery, where the God of Life and the God of Magic hop into a van and ride down the corrupt streets of Las Vegas. Or something.
Anyway, some nitpicks:
"Ilal noticed vainly about the people - they became monsters, floated, and turned invisible. "
I'm not sure if 'vainly' is the word you're looking for there. As I understand, 'vainly' is more synonymous to 'worthlessly', which I guess could work in this context, but it really makes no sense. I guess it all hinges on what you meant when you said 'noticed'--I think what you meant to say there was 'noted', but again, the sentence still wouldn't make sense with the other clause in the end. I'm not sure what your intentions here, but whatever the case I think you need to fix it a bit.
"‘WhydoI surrender to be your slave I don’t even know.’ He smiled. ‘But I don’t mind it.’"
Cross out that 'do', because it makes the entire sentence into a question ("Why do I surrender to be your slave?") when the "I don't even know" part suggests it's more a playful jab ("Why I surrender to be your slave I don't even know,").
"Anam preferred to follow Ilal, as most of the time it meant checking on the humans to whom he had blessed with magic."
Alright, so this is an interesting bit of world building. Initially I thought that Anam had blessed all humans with magic, but this suggests that only a few are blessed with magic, which would make more sense as that would also allow more people to need science since some of them don't have magic. In most other fantasy series', these magic blessed users would be the protagonist, so its refreshing to see the gods take on the spotlight, but at the same time I'm still not sure if I'm a hundred percent down for it just yet.
"Technology built Ilal’s location. For humans, technology and science were two aspects of life that didn’t go along well with religion, but it was Ilal, their deity, who made the law of nature and allowed them to understand it. Those skeptics weren’t in Ilaeg, though, they came from other countries that distanced themselves with the Children of Creation."
Alright, so genuine question; are the gods not allowed to come to non-believers? Is there something about a non-believer that makes them unable to see gods? Or do the gods just don't bother with anybody other than Ilaeg? I don't know, assuming this is a modern era where at the very least transportation and letters are a thing, I'd assume skepticism would soon fade if skeptics just visited Ilaeg and watched the deities talk. Or, again, if the people of Ilaeg sent missionaries to other parts of the world.
"‘Iraeg, check these humans for any anomaly. We found them infected by an unknown substance which we can refer to currently as red gas,’ Ilal said."
I added the 'to', since it seems like it needs that.
Okay, so for the most part, this is a solid chapter. One other thing I'd complain about is how Anam teases Ilal that the way they talk might seem a little bit scientific, but I don't think it was at all hard to understand, or even uses many scientific lingo, so there's a bit of audience and author dissonance over there. However, it's pretty good so far, and again, I'm still interested in what's going to happen in the next chapter.
--Elliot.
Points: 19607
Reviews: 383
Donate