z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Hidden Entity - 2.4 - Red Gas

by Lightsong


Anam frowned. ‘Are you sure? Perhaps we can detain them.’ He nodded to the floating zombies, relentless in their effort to escape his magic.

Ilal looked around them. They were grateful the field was on a roundabout, which meant only vehicles circulated it. The drivers and passengers would be able to witness it through a passing glance, but they wouldn’t be able to stop. Still, residences in the tall buildings nearby Rof Itwah could, if they paid attention to their surrounding. Ilal didn’t want that. From their past experience, unprecedented event like this would provoke theories - and who knew if one of them concerned the deities.

‘Make them invisible, Anam,’ Ilal instructed, shifting their attention to the zombies. ‘We’ll discuss about their fate in another place - a private one for them.’

Anam nodded and willed his ring to start moving, generating blue aura. The thin metal was a part of him since he was born, the primary indicator for him to be the God of Magic. In reality, his ability wasn’t so much as creating magic, but instead focused on creating laws that bent to his will and differed from the ones made by other deities.

Anam blew the blue energy that had gathered into a sphere settling on his hand, interspersing the air with little white feathers. They touched the floating people and their appearances faded slightly. To the other humans’ eyes, they were invisible.

Ilal noticed vainly about the people - they became monsters, floated, and turned invisible. If they regained their sanity, they sure had a fantastic story to tell their family. If only, they thought, registering it was a possibility for their lives to be restored. They didn’t like the feeling that seeped from not knowing, and the helplessness. Ilal prided themselves as being two of the most capable Children of Creation, the other being Nevea. If there’d be a time when they had to surrender, it wouldn’t be to a gas. Never.

‘I will find out who did this,’ Ilal said suddenly, transforming into an emerald dragon, prompting Anam to nod. Perhaps he had expected it. ‘Take them with me to my Earth palace.’

Anam shook his head and frowned mockingly. ‘Why do I surrender to be your slave I don’t even know.’ He smiled. ‘But I don’t mind it.’

The same process of his magic occurred; his ring spun and generated magical energy, which gathered into his hands. With a swift gesture, a small purple ring appeared and enlarged itself to be a functioning portal. They went through it.

Ilal’s Earth base was no ordinary base at all; its location being on the air suited their status as a deity. While they wasn’t the only deity worshiped, they were the only one who bothered making a base here. Even Terna didn’t bother herself building one, and perhaps she had a reason. Hundreds of planets waited for her supervision everyday. Nevea loved being at the sun and the nearest planet to it, while Alta often wandered around the galaxy, admiring cosmos’ beauty. Anam preferred to follow Ilal, as most of the time it meant checking on the humans to whom he had blessed with magic.

Technology built Ilal’s location. For humans, technology and science were two aspects of life that didn’t go along well with religion, but it was Ilal, their deity, who made the law of nature and allowed them to understand it. Those skeptics weren’t in Ilaeg, though, they came from other countries that distanced themselves with the Children of Creation.

Ilal’s base was a silver palace in their favourite spherical shape. Humans would assume it was an object from space belonged to an alien. In a way, the assumption was correct - Ilal was a being not from Earth, after all. But if they saw the creatures orbiting the base, they’d assume it was heaven. Beautiful winged creatures with loose white clothes that sparkled under the sunlight were what humans called as angels. Ilal granted some of the mortal - the most devoted ones - the ability to see their servants, sometimes. None of the mortals had seen the real Ilal, and the deity liked it that way. Mortals couldn’t comprehend deities’ real forms.

The angels bowed at Ilal as the front of the sphere’s cracked into the shape of two doors, which slid away from each other, revealing the interior. Anam and Ilal went through it, and a breeze of fresh air soothed them.

‘Air-conditioner?’ Anam asked, looking up to the wall. A white rectangular box was hung there, releasing breezes of cool air to the surrounding through its window.

Ilal waved their dragon wing dismissively at said object. They crossed the empty space through another door which slid open automatically when it sense the presence of the deity and their servants. Anam followed them from behind, carrying the floated humans with him. Through the corner of their eyes, Ilal caught some of the angels focusing their attentions to the humans, though their faces lacked expressions.

The room the door opened to was the main room, as vast as three halls put together. The angels there wore lab coats and protective glasses. Looking at them, Ilal smiled. Their servants were hardworking, genderless, and intellectual. If not for their programmed emotion capacity, Ilal would’ve recognized them as their best creations. Alas, emotion was the best indicator of one’s loyalty.

With Anam at their side, Ilal approached one of the servants with a name tag labeling it as Iraeg. ‘Iraeg, check these humans for any anomaly. We found them infected by an unknown substance which we can refer currently as red gas,’ Ilal said.

Iraeg nodded swiftly. ‘External and internal, as well as thoughts and emotions?’ it said with a business-like manner.

Like Ilal, the angels had the ability to read thoughts and identify emotions. However, this ability was much inferior compared to the deity’s, so Ilal had made a device that enhanced their ability. They had considered to increase the servants’ ability, but had rejected the idea since it felt like an unnecessary advantage for the servants. Ilal liked them hardworking, after all.

‘Science speak,’ Anam teased, a grin on his face. ‘Well, what are we going to do now?’

Ilal shook their dragon head, turning away from the main room. ‘We aren’t going to do anything. We’re leaving this place.’

Anam raised his eyebrows. ‘To where?’

‘The farmer’s home. We might find some clues there.’


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Sun Mar 26, 2017 5:32 am
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Sujana wrote a review...



Adventure beckons! From a horror scene this'll turn into a detective or buddy cop mystery, where the God of Life and the God of Magic hop into a van and ride down the corrupt streets of Las Vegas. Or something.

Anyway, some nitpicks:

"Ilal noticed vainly about the people - they became monsters, floated, and turned invisible. "


I'm not sure if 'vainly' is the word you're looking for there. As I understand, 'vainly' is more synonymous to 'worthlessly', which I guess could work in this context, but it really makes no sense. I guess it all hinges on what you meant when you said 'noticed'--I think what you meant to say there was 'noted', but again, the sentence still wouldn't make sense with the other clause in the end. I'm not sure what your intentions here, but whatever the case I think you need to fix it a bit.

"‘Why do I surrender to be your slave I don’t even know.’ He smiled. ‘But I don’t mind it.’"


Cross out that 'do', because it makes the entire sentence into a question ("Why do I surrender to be your slave?") when the "I don't even know" part suggests it's more a playful jab ("Why I surrender to be your slave I don't even know,").

"Anam preferred to follow Ilal, as most of the time it meant checking on the humans to whom he had blessed with magic."


Alright, so this is an interesting bit of world building. Initially I thought that Anam had blessed all humans with magic, but this suggests that only a few are blessed with magic, which would make more sense as that would also allow more people to need science since some of them don't have magic. In most other fantasy series', these magic blessed users would be the protagonist, so its refreshing to see the gods take on the spotlight, but at the same time I'm still not sure if I'm a hundred percent down for it just yet.

"Technology built Ilal’s location. For humans, technology and science were two aspects of life that didn’t go along well with religion, but it was Ilal, their deity, who made the law of nature and allowed them to understand it. Those skeptics weren’t in Ilaeg, though, they came from other countries that distanced themselves with the Children of Creation."


Alright, so genuine question; are the gods not allowed to come to non-believers? Is there something about a non-believer that makes them unable to see gods? Or do the gods just don't bother with anybody other than Ilaeg? I don't know, assuming this is a modern era where at the very least transportation and letters are a thing, I'd assume skepticism would soon fade if skeptics just visited Ilaeg and watched the deities talk. Or, again, if the people of Ilaeg sent missionaries to other parts of the world.

"‘Iraeg, check these humans for any anomaly. We found them infected by an unknown substance which we can refer to currently as red gas,’ Ilal said."


I added the 'to', since it seems like it needs that.

Okay, so for the most part, this is a solid chapter. One other thing I'd complain about is how Anam teases Ilal that the way they talk might seem a little bit scientific, but I don't think it was at all hard to understand, or even uses many scientific lingo, so there's a bit of audience and author dissonance over there. However, it's pretty good so far, and again, I'm still interested in what's going to happen in the next chapter.

--Elliot.




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Sun Feb 26, 2017 2:28 am
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Wolfi wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!!!

Yay, more Hidden Entity! :)

Ilal noticed vainly about the people - they became monsters, floated, and turned invisible.

Rather than having the dash, the word "that" would improve this sentence. Besides that, why would Ilal be vain about these zombies? That doesn't make any sense.

Anam shook his head and frowned mockingly. ‘Why do I surrender to be your slave I don’t even know.’ He smiled. ‘But I don’t mind it.’

Hah, that's cute. :3

Humans would assume it was an object from space belonged to an alien. In a way, the assumption was correct - Ilal was a being not from Earth, after all. But if they saw the creatures orbiting the base, they’d assume it was heaven.

The "would assume"s put this in the future tense, which makes me believe that Ilal's palace hasn't been built yet or it hasn't been built for long and no one has seen it. I don't think either of those are true. Yet, I don't understand how humans could believe both that the palace is a spaceship and that it is heaven.

The angels bowed at Ilal as the front of the sphere’s cracked into the shape of two doors

The sphere's... what? I think it should say just "sphere" instead.

They crossed the empty space through another door which slid open automatically when it sense the presence of the deity and their servants.

Should say "sensed."

Anam followed them from behind, carrying the floated humans with him.

Oh yeah, the zombies are here. Perhaps you could mention them sooner? They weren't mentioned for a little while so I kinda forgot they were there.

Iraeg nodded swiftly. ‘External and internal, as well as thoughts and emotions?’ it said with a business-like manner.

Ilal never answers this angel's question.

I love how you find a way to explain contemporary and real-world myths and mysteries in this book in a way that corresponds with your fantastical universe. The angels, for instance, or the spaceship spottings. Or Pluto the dwarf planet!

I agree with Apricity in that the technology of the palace could be better-defined. I don't really get a good picture of it in my head. The old-fashioned window air conditioner doesn't really correspond with what I had in mind.

Anam is my favorite character so far, and I'm looking forward to reading from his perspective in the next chapter. It'll also be interesting to see what happens at the farmer's home. See you there! ;)




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Sun Feb 19, 2017 5:54 am
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Apricity wrote a review...



Hey guardian of light, Apricity here for a review.

Let's jump into it.

The field was a roundabout? I don't remember about reading this in the last chapter but...I won't question the location right now.

‘Make them invisible, Anam,’ Ilal instructed, shifting their attention to the zombies. ‘We’ll discuss about their fate in another place - a private one for them.’


Making them invisible would indeed solve the problem, of their visibility but I mean the zombies are still going to be there, possibly harming innocent people. Wouldn't it be a better idea to..somehow get rid of them altogether?

Ok, so, I understand the importance of explaining the ring's power, and it's good that you explained it but the way you've phrased it here borders on info dumping. Partially it's because you're listing their ability like facts, which resembles a list as opposed to storytelling. I suppose, using 'in reality' gives the passage a rather clinical tone as well, why is the thin metal an indicator for him to be the God of Magic? A way you could incorporate this information I suppose, is a very very brief flashback to when he first received the ring, try and incorporate the information in the movement of the story instead of separating it out as a separate chunk or paragraph as you have done here.

Ilal noticed vainly about the people - they became monsters, floated, and turned invisible.


Not sure if 'vainly' is the right adverb here, vain means having or shown an excessively high opinion of one's appearance, abilities etc (Google definition). And I don't think Ilal is really expressing that. Also, these are people turned zombies I'm guessing? What you've described here is a bit sudden, because there were talks of these zombies but suddenly you've jumped to the conclusion that these zombies are actually people, but they've been influenced by something to become zombies and this is upsetting for Ilal.

o.o Ilal has their own Earth? Wow, I didn't know this, ok, this fascinates me. I honest love Anam and IIal's relationship, I think they're my favourite in the series so far. You depict their sibling relationship so nicely, it almost makes me envious.

:/ Can you do a more detailed description of said magical energy? I would love to see more details for their magic, this is just a selfish request but, description will help your readers to gain a better image of their powers.

‘Air-conditioner?’ Anam asked, looking up to the wall. A white rectangular box was hung there, releasing breezes of cool air to the surrounding through its window


Oh my god, this made me laugh out loud. How strange it is to see an air-conditioner in what would presumably a divine place, I like this haha. But I'd also like to ask, ...um, is the air-conditioner always there? Do the deities call the air conditioner? I guess in general, the overall feeling I get of their base is a pretty vague one. Even though you said technology I don't know the stage of technology they're in, I mean generating fire out of sticks is a kind of technology. So, perhaps you could be a little bit more specific about it?

Alas, emotion was the best indicator of one’s loyalty.


I'm a bit confused about this, you said programmed for their emotion capacity? What exactly does that mean, are you saying that they have emotion capacity or....?? Emotion was the best indicator, in what ways, what emotions are you speaking of here. You don't have to answer this now, or state it explicitly. I'm giving you these questions so there is more substance in your chapters, although the plot moves along and new characters are introduced I don't get much depth. This is what's lacking, you need to show the workings behind conclusions you draw on characters.

Soooooo, what device is this. You have this general tendency to gloss over things like this, and I'm not sure if it's always a good thing. And now we find out what the red gas is all about!

Annnd that's all I have for today, if you've got any questions you know where to find me. c:

-Apricity




Lightsong says...


Hey, thanks for giving me a thorough review! It deserves an explanation. '^'

1) There are several steps taken to control the affected people as well as the wounded ones. First, Anam makes them float to separate them from each other. Second, Ilal heals the wounded ones (Anam tries to heal the affected ones with his magic but failed) before they die before the intended time for their deaths. Finally, Anam makes all of them invisible. All is good except for their sanity and health. '^'b

2) Good point about the ring. I'll answer this in the next chapter. '^'b

3) Nah, Ilal doesn't have another Earth. They only have a palace or home on Earth. They also have several palaces in other planets. >.>

3.1) Thanks for the compliment! I try to make their relationship being the most dynamic out of the Children of Creation, so reading this, I think I've achieved it. :D

4) Nah, can't. The way I see it, it's like the blue chakra in Naruto. Pretty boring stuff. :/ Maybe later! :D

5) Good point about the phase of technology used in Ilal's palace. I actually haven't thought much about it, but I imagine it would be a futuristic one, so futuristic in fact that it takes another century for humans to discover it. Ilal's technology >>>> Humans'.

6) *wails* Actually, I'm not quite sure of it myself. The concept of angel is taken from Islam religion, in which angels are genderless, have no capacity to reproduce or being produced, do not eat and sleep, and technically exist to serve their creator. That's all they do all the time, so they're pretty robotic.

Humans on the other hand have lust to combat against, and there'd be the concept of demons and devils that I'd introduce later on, and emotion-supported belief would be the one thing humans have to stick with their deities.

6.1) The device is a last-minute idea. Need to develop it later on. o.o

Again, thanks for the review! :D



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Fri Feb 17, 2017 7:41 pm
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Wizard wrote a review...



*Emerges from a glowing hyper-dimensional portal

Heyo, I'm feeling bored, so you know what time it is! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2k0SmqbBIpQ

So, this was a pretty relaxed chapter where really... nothing much happened. And that's fine! Changes in pace are necessary. Otherwise the reader gets bored as high intensity action and plot development become the norm. However, slow pacing needs to be used carefully, lest it become straight up boring. And that's where I think the main flaw in this chapter lies. Allow me to elaborate.

Everything about the chapter is great on paper. We have smooth dialogue, good body language, and some great scenery, but when you throw it all together it becomes a drag. Why? In my opinion, this is because of the fact that not much goes on here.

Times of slow pacing like this chapter have no plot development or crazy action scenes, so that has to be supplemented by something. For example, character development! Or at least that's what I use when I write slow scenes.

Unfortunately, no character development seems to take place here, when we have the perfect opportunity! We have two characters here, including the protagonist, that are doing nothing the whole chapter but going from point A to point B who seem to be acquainted with one another quite well. Therefore, there is some meaningless banter between friends, some chit chat, some propitious prattle, some talkity talk (Whatever quirky name suits your preference, just pick a card and move on!) is to be expected. The point is that having characters talk with one another from time to time makes them feel less like plot devices and more like people. It creates a sense that we have a very fleshed out and detailed person as our protagonist who is capable of going through a nice character arc.

But instead the protagonist kinda just thinks for themselves and monologues in silence, only speaking to their servant in order to give orders. This short travel, in my opinion, is an unfortunately wasted opportunity which tempted me to skim read the words on multiple occasions. However, these are only my reactions, so take what I say with a grain of salt, if you will. You're the writer here, not me! :D

Regardless, the writing style itself deserves a fair bit of kudos to you, my friend. We just need to have something going on in order to keep the reader tethered to the words on the page.

Cheers,
-Wizard

*Vanishes in a cloud of smoke with a bang




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Thu Feb 16, 2017 12:53 pm
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Mea wrote a review...



Hi, Light! Finally, another chapter. :D

And the plot steadily plods on. There's less excitement in this chapter, but that's probably a good thing since a bunch of stuff just happened.

Something I'm interested in / would like more details on is the relation the deities and Ilal in particular have to humanity. Ilal has a palace, they appear in public, etc., and so with the technology they have you'd expect people in general to know for sure that there is some form of god out there. And I think that would be a pretty interesting dynamic to explore, especially in relation to the technology (and magic?) the humans have. I was confused, though, about why Ilal was wary of "theories" springing up around the deities, if their existence is already widely known.

Their servants were hardworking, genderless, and intellectual.

I feel like including genderless in here just doesn't fit. Ilal's listing their good qualities, the things that make them good servants, and so unless Ilal believes that being gendered is bad, and thus their genderless-ness is good, and you're deliberately trying to imply that, it's a bit of a non-sequitur. It might be better to introduce that aspect of it after the first time you call one of them an "it" - that sets the audience wondering, then you explain.

I also thought it was interesting (and a little confusing) what Ilal thought about their servants having emotions. It seemed like Ilal views emotions as negative, which is something I hope to see expanded upon. :P

A white rectangular box was hung there, releasing breezes of cool air to the surrounding through its window.

This is a bit of an antiquated type of air conditioner (though I know it's still used in a lot of the world, and it is in the United States too, but in older/cheaper houses). I just thought it was funny that Ilal, a deity, has something as mundane as that in his floating spherical palace.

I really liked how you used this chapter to characterize that Ilal is someone who does not like feeling helpless or not knowing what's going on. That's a pretty important character moment, and although you could maybe make it a bit more subtle, it generally worked, and I'm glad because now I feel like I have a better idea of their character.

And that's all I've got for this part!




Lightsong says...


Thanks for the review! :D

I don't know what better way to describe the most modern air-conditioner - can you help me with that? >.<

Hmm, I think I should paraphrase the emotion part. I actually want Ilal to think that the greatest form of loyalty comes from the unwavering passion to the person whom one is loyal to, not because a sense of duty.

Stay tuned for the next chapter! :D



Mea says...


More modern air conditioners basically look like a small metal vent in the floor or the ceiling of each room. The pipes run through the house in the walls from a central location where the air is pumped in and cooled. Aside from the vents and a small control panel on the wall, you wouldn't see the main mechanical part unless you specifically went to do maintenance on it, since it's usually outside by the side of the house.



Lightsong says...


Ah, I see! My college room has one of those, actually, I just didn't realize it. Totally not denying my lack of knowledge in anything air conditioner here. :D




Nouns can verb very well actually, they verb better than some verbs do.
— winterwolf0100