Young Writers Society

Ha. This was pretty good.

I had picked up a bit on the relationship in the beginning, but I think it's only now that it's become something significant and, more importantly, entertaining to me. The idle banter between Anam and Ilal is definitely much appreciated, as it's probably the second time in this whole series where I feel like I didn't have to take notes for a history quiz next week (the first part being Nevea revealing that she was testing Terna, which had it's problems, but also entertained me for a bit).

Strangely enough, despite being a good character development moment, it was also one of those moments where I knew exactly what was going on and had no questions whatsoever. No, I'm serious. I'm not sure what you're doing here, but it's actually a great source of information.

As a God of Magic, he could sense if something magical changed not according to his plan. Ilal as the Giver of Awareness and Deity of Living Things could sense if there was something wrong with one of their creations.

Now, I wouldn't say I would've wanted something like this in every single chapter--I understand that this is a mini info-dump--but it's a straightforward infodump, without any regret, just stating facts that really couldn't be put in an interesting way without sounding cheesy. I think tiny info-dumps like these are actually pretty useful as long as you don't try to explain the whole world within one paragraph. In any case, I felt like I understood their previous roles in the previous chapters much better now than I did before when there was little to no context. However, at the same time I'm glad this wasn't included in the prologue--I feel like if we didn't have the prologue evidence to back it up, this explanation wouldn't make as much sense as it does now. So yeah, it's in the perfect place.

I think, if you're thinking of editing, having the prologue be immediately about Terna and Nevea (with Ilal as a bored, maybe helpful spectator) is a good idea--I feel like the first and maybe second chapter were outdone by this chapter. I wouldn't say cut it out, but shortening it wouldn't be a bad thing to do.

‘Of course you do. Magic is amazing, isn’t it?’

I actually quite love this line. More lines like this, please. 'Playful' and 'sarcastic' isn't the only standout dialogue tricks there are, but it's definitely a breath of fresh air compared to the ultra-serious, ultra-formal, three-syllable wordtype sentences of the previous chapters. The word I'm looking for is "human", of course, but I didn't think it'd be appropriate considering we're not talking about humans in this matter.

Anyway, I've been singing praises a lot in this review, but that's mostly because all of the other complaints I have can be referred to the other reviews, and I've been pretty happy with this short chapter so far. We'll see if I have anything else to complain about next week, but for now I'm leaving it here.

Thanks for the read,

--Elliot.

hi again, are you sick of me yet. I hope not, because here is another review.

D: Oh no, the argument wasn't necessary? But I liked that argument...anyways. I'm starting to see why IIal's pov is important now, ok, re-edit on my answer then.

Their parents’ place was dull and predictable.

This made me chuckle, but, it this a reason strong enough to make Ilal leave their home though? I mean the palace may be ugly, but I doubt Ilal is that irked by it.

Ilal went around the castle to find Anam. Their form had mutated to a winged tigress,

Whoa whoa whoa, slow down. IIal can morph into a winged tigress? o_o That is amazingly cool. Since when can they do this, is this an ability granted to all deities? Or is the mutated form a set, specific form for each deity?

With the magic aspect you've mentioned, I'm a bit confused. Anam is the God of Magic, and I think I may have touched on this in your first chapter but I'm not sure.

...he could sense if something magical changed not according to his plan

What do you by something magical? IIal as Awareness makes sense, but by something magical are you implying that when humans are created there is magic in them? Or is the magic referring to something else? There is a lot of ambiguities in this story, and it's a good idea to clear away some of them before they build up and your readers are caught up in this massive web of confusion. If you don't want to risk info-dumping, you could construct something like this as a possibility. Following the thought that IIal knew Anam could sense when something magicla had changed, you could insert a small example here that shows that change (just so that it's more concrete rather than a theoretical explanation.) As a side note, can IIal understand all languages? (Yes, this is the linguistic side in me speaking out.)

I'm also in agreement with Carlito that you should definitely describe what the portal is like. Because, 1) we can see what Anam is capable of as well as how a portal work between the two different words 2) descriptions are needed to make the story a better whole, this obviously isn't any plain portal. It's a special portal, so give it the specificity it deserves. Whilst I'm on this whole thing, is it acceptable for a deity to just zip between Earth and the Fifth dimension without asking for permission? There isn't been a lot of discussion on how it works, and I'm curious. I feel like there would be a set of rules that dictate how long each deity can spend on Earth, and for what reason. Otherwise, what's their reason for returning to the Fifth Dimension, or for that matter. What's IIal's motivation for going to Earth (I...really don't think the palace being dull and boring is a strong enough motive).

On top of that, obviously Anam and IIal shares a close relationship with each other. And you've characterised them beautifully, I could tell that they're familiar and comfortable in each other's presence. The small banter they had at the end of the chapter, is in fact reminiscent of two siblings so given their harmonious relationship. Wouldn't Anam ask IIal why they're going to Earth, if not out of concern, out of curiosity? The 'of course' you do, implies that this isn't the first time IIal has returned to Earth for whatever reason. Could you reveal that 'whatever reason' might be, or at least drop a hint? Because understanding the motive behind IIal's trip to Earth would allow us as readers to understand them better.

I hope this review was helpful, if you've got any questions, skype, PM, you know the gist.

-Apricity

Hello again! Here to get all caught up today

I'll be honest, when you said "this is actually the main plot. The first chapter is done to introduce the characters." I thought oh dear. I thought oh dear because while you obviously want to introduce the characters in the first chapter, you also want to introduce the main plot and start the catalyst for the main plot. I was expecting this chapter to veer in an unexpected direction and/or for the first chapter then to feel unnecessary. At this point, I'm not feeling that, which is good This first part of the chapter at least feels like a natural connection from where you were at the end of the last chapter. I'm also glad that at least for now, we're sticking Ilal's head. It gives me time to remember who is who

Their parents’ place was dull and predictable.

Predictable how so? What is dull about it? And compared to what? Where he normally lives? What's that place like in comparison?

When Nevea, in her own way, asked them to leave,

What does "in her own way" mean? Can you show us exactly how she asked?

but also because of their sister’s stupid plan.

Remind me of the stupid plan and which sister you're referring to? I know it was one scene ago, but it's hard for me to remember all of the details. Since this is still early in the novel, reminding us who is who and how everyone is connected (especially since there are a lot of characters and the connections are a bit complex) is helpful an is a good thing

It wasn’t Terna’s fault for jumping into conclusion; Nevea’s decision to leave her thought incomplete (‘I want to remove Aevi.’) in a speed faster than light was reckless at best.

This line confused me and I'm struggling to figure out what you were trying to say. It wasn't Terna's fault for jumping to conclusions about Nevea's relationship with the goddess from the other planet or her thoughts about destroying the other planet? (I forget who was on which side of that argument).

Ilal went around the castle to find Anam.

Why? Anam hasn't been mentioned yet this chapter. Does Ilal want to leave with him or do they need something else from Anam? And I thought Anam was in the room during the argument and they were still in that room? Where does Ilal think Anam is?

‘I’ve to confirmed it.

This doesn't quite make sense either. "I need to confirm it" or "I haven't confirmed it" maybe?

Ilal nodded as they flew into it.

Even though I'm pretty sure it's the portal Anam just created, specify what "it" is. This would also be a great opportunity to bring in some description. I'm sure we've talked in the past about adding thoughts and feelings an you probably know by now how much I <3 thoughts and feelings :p This would be a great place for such information! I want to know what's going through Ilal's mind as they step into this portal. Is Ilal grateful for Anam's help? Does Ilal feel dread or excitement about what he's about to do? Bring me into his mind and into this experience. What does it feel like to step into this portal? Take me into this experience.

‘Anam, help me here. Use your magic. Heighten my voice, produce a thunderous background sound and make a grand illusion of me, one that can be accepted by the humans’ limited imaginations. My head and body is one of a tigress with pegasus wings behind my back. My eyes glow blue.’

What is Ilal hoping to do here? What was his purpose for coming to this city and why does he want to heighten his voice? Give me a little more insight (maybe through his thoughts!) about what the plan is here and what he wants to do.

I'm still not quite sure where you're heading with all of this, but this genre really isn't my forte and that's okay I think overall, I could use more thoughts and feelings throughout. I want to get inside your character's heads and understand their motivations and personalities. Not only will that help me connect and ultimately care about the characters, but it will help me understand why they're doing what they're doing and why the plot is moving in the direction its moving. Much easier said than done, so if you want any more clarification or anything I can try to help you out further.

But I'll leave things there for now and skip on over to the last chapter so I can be all caught up! Let me know if you have any questions or if you would like feedback about something I didn't already mention!

Happy Review Day!!!

You cruel person. That whole argument in the first chapter was all for naught? xD

Nevea’s decision to leave her thought incomplete (‘I want to remove Aevi.’) in a speed faster than light was reckless at best.

Again, I don't quite understand what the whole speed of light thing's about.

...a ring of blue glow appeared, first small, then large. ‘I’ve to confirmed it.

Maybe this is supposed to say "I've yet to confirm it?" Not sure.

Ilal could feel their pain, understood understand their language, and experienced experience the minuscule sensation of growing.

A few tense corrections.

Alright, cool! We're down on Earth now. I'm continuing to like Anam and Ilal's relationship.

I feel like this section is missing some descriptions, and that's fine because this is your very first draft and those things are easy to edit in later. But for when you do that, consider implementing some good ol' sensual writing. I don't know how the deities in this novel feel or taste or smell, so it'd be nice to let us know. I think it's alright that you brush over a lot of the descriptions because these characters are gods and beautiful vistas or buildings probably aren't as extremely overwhelming to them as they would be to a normal human. But, it's obvious that Ilal is proud of their creations (you said so yourself - "Ilal’s proudest human civilization"), and I think it would make sense that from their perspective we would witness them taking it all in and puffing out their chest in pride.

Going along the same thread, I also think that because there are few pauses for descriptions, things are moving along too fast. However, I think that's a god thing (I meant that to say "good," but I'm keeping it because it's a fitting typo xD) because this is from the POV of deities and their time of existence is virtually eternal. It makes sense that this fast speed would come off this way in writing. They've had so much time before and in front of them, so what makes this moment so special that they would have to pause, take it in, and describe it?

Nonetheless, I'd appreciate a touch more of descriptions.

Great work, and keep it up!

Hi there SirLight! Niteowl here to review for Team Pencils and Swords this fine Review Day! Note that I already reviewed Part 2 of this chapter, so I'm going backwards. Whoops. Anyway, yeah, I'll post my thoughts as I read then wrap up with overall comments.

Okay so right off the bat it's more clear to me that these are actual deities, not some weird trickery like I thought was possible in my last review. It's intriguing to me that they don't all have instant transportation powers. I would typically think of deities as limitless, so to do something different is cool.

So...Nevea wants to be queen (of the gods? Or of this civilization?) but would have to kill her (apparently not immortal) parents to do so. This seems like another interesting source of conflict, though I'm a little confused about it at the moment. I'm also curious as to what this weirdness is and why only one of the gods can sense it. Wouldn't anything that affects some magical plan also affect living things?

‘Not to mention, I sensed weirdness on Earth when I picked you up.’ He waved his hand to the air and a ring of blue glow appeared, first small, then large. ‘I’ve yet to confirm it. The tingling felt almost non-existent.’

Just some grammar stuff.

Overall, it seems like you have some interesting characters and a lot of potential sources of conflict. I think I should stop going backwards now and read from the beginning. Keep writing!

Back again, finally - sorry about the wait.

This was definitely a step up from your previous chapters. Giving us just two characters to focus on and one topic (the magic/transportation to earth) really helped because it let you step back and explain things a bit. I actually feel like I understand Ilal and their attitude, though we still don't really know what their plans or motivations are.

I'm already liking the dynamic between Ilal and Anam, and I'm really happy that Ilal now actually feels like a character. There isn't too much to say about this part, because it's so short, but you did a good job making this chapter do multiple things. You say the first chapter was to introduce the characters, but I think this part did a better job of introducing Ilal than the entire last chapter. (Although it did do a good job of introducing Terna and Nevea.)

I'm very interested in Ilal and their relationship with their creations, and also especially in the society on earth - what it's like, how normal people live.

Anam chuckled. ‘Of course you do. Magic is amazing, isn’t it?’

This felt like an odd non-sequitur, a bit of a random thing to say. After all, if Anam is the god of magic (which I'm inferring from the chapter), then wouldn't he be used to it? It also just doesn't transition well to talking about the "weirdness" he picks up while on Earth around Ilal, since we as readers don't know what "tingling" means in relation to magic, or why it's amazing that he can detect the weirdness.

lal as the Giver of Awareness and Deity of Living Things could sense if there was something wrong with one of their creations. Ilal could feel their pain, understood their language, and experienced the minuscule sensation of growing.

This is cool, and I feel like there are a lot of implications to explore here. The thing is, Ilal has obviously created a lot of things. So do they feel *all* of their pains, thoughts, etc? Because wow, that sounds overwhelming and interesting to deal with. Do they have a hard time sometimes separating their own emotions, or are they too used to it? I'm also curious as to why this counts as "weirdness" to Anam - it seems more like an extent of Ilal's godly powers than anything to do with magic. I suppose it depends on how you're defining magic in this series.

Ilal’s proudest human civilization, Egali, buzzed with busy lives.

I think you could actually describe Egali a bit more - it seems like an important place, but we just skip over it.

Grammar things:

It wasn’t Terna’s fault for jumping into conclusion;

The phase is "jumping to conclusions."

‘It’s a long time before she could be queen,’ Anam said,

This should be "It will be a long time before she can be queen."

only Nevea who could arrive at their destination in mere seconds, be it through godly speed or magical portal

Should be "only Nevea could arrive at her destination"

And that's all I've got this time!