Oooh. A villain protagonist! This'll be a lovely read.
While your presentation was overall splendid, I felt like you could've used a second or third round in the editting machine. There were a number of grammatical and spelling errors, and it did seem as if you were rushing to get this finished. However, I do enjoy how the plot thickens, and the premise basically screams ME, so I think this'll be a good read for me overall.
However, I'm not here to praise. I'm here to criticize. So let's get to the beginning, shall we?
The Beginning
Fasha scrutinized the two prophets at his sides. On his left was Darsa the Merciful; at his right Kha the Wise. In front of him was the most difficult prophetess to compromise with, Ja of the Holy Triangle.
Alright, so I like the setup here. You have four prophets, and they're obviously going to start battling each other over some religious difference, which is fine. I do feel like you could've described them better in the beginning, and showed their personalities by how they sat down and what they were doing during the meeting, because throughout the story the only person I really got to "know" was Ja, the sort of balanced woman of all the three. Darsa looks to be the covered, modest woman, and I don't know what Kha does. It'd be good if the readers immediately got to know the characters through how they speak and through how they play off each other, as that can help us root for them later when Fasha inevitably divides them. Building a character does not take big things, after all. It takes little things. If a character slouches and avoids people's gaze, you know he's shy. If a character towers over the people around him, you know he's commanding. A character who curses is crass, and a character who uses long words is learned. It's all in the little things, not the descriptions.
The Ending
I think the ending was pretty good, so I'm not going to focus on it too much. The 'one person at a time' line shows Fasha's characters in the little things I was talking about--he's a bit of a chessmaster, and a cunning manipulator. I can't help, however, but feel like his motivations are unwarranted. Why does he not want to praise the Sun and the Moon? Does he feel as if they're cruel gods? Does he feel as if the Earth doesn't get enough treatment? I know he's the villain of the story, but he deserves just as much explanation as an ordinary hero. You need to focus on why he doesn't want to praise the other gods.
Main Criticisms
-Some Spelling Mistakes:
And tese prophets wanted to worship Sun and Moon that were distant to them.
These, not tese.
Hearing him, Fasha widened his eyes.
You're referring to Ja, so it's her, not him.
The prophetess was more revealing that Darsa
Than, not that.
-You mentioned someone named Silia in the end, but the only other person in the room I know about is Kha. Was that a mistake, or did I glide over something?
-Again, your characters could be a bit more distinct. These are characters of different religions--they're supposed to portray their own cultures, their identities, yet with the notable difference of Ja and Fasha all of them seem to fade into the background. I wish they spoke out a bit more, I feel like if they did they would attain a better identity and we could get to know them better.
Main Praises
-Your descriptions are wonderful in this. Very clear, very well-cut, and the worldbuilding seems set for an expansive world. Good job on that.
Take care,
--Elliot.
Points: 19607
Reviews: 383
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