z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Fasha the Divider [Part 1]

by Lightsong


Fasha scrutinized the two prophets at his sides. On his left was Darsa the Merciful; at his right Kha the Wise. In front of him was the most difficult prophetess to compromise with, Ja of the Holy Triangle. The room they were in was spacious with a ceiling doubly higher than usual, and such could also be said by the back of their chairs, fitting for kings and queens. Well, their nearby kingdom practiced the monarchy concept; here in Four Seasons, they, the four prophets, ruled.

The meeting had been happening with agreement failed to reach. Fasha and Darsa had argued together that it was time for the kingdom to select an official religion. Ja was baffled by this; she claimed Holy Triangle had been the religion that had benefited them all for hundreds of years. Fasha believed Earth was the best deity to worship. On it they lived, after all. Kha rebuked that without Moon, the people would suffer from endless day and die slowly.

‘And what if there are no Sun?’ asked Darsa. The frown she wore was of worry. ‘Eternal darkness for humanity? How could the plants resume their growth without the aid of Her light? Farmers will lose their jobs!’ She held out her hands as if presenting them a tangible problem, and her loose white gown showed their paleness. Her face was covered with a white scarf as part of the belief that Sun discouraged the show of bare skin.

Ja nodded slowly. ‘It seems to me that we need not just one deity, but all of them. Sun to provide heat and light; Moon to provide coolness and rest; Earth to provide shelter.’ She spoke with the voice of a young woman, and indeed, she was the youngest prophet among the four of them.

Hearing him, Fasha widened his eyes. ‘You spoke as if Earth are inferior than the other two! Not only shelter It brings to us, but also water and air! Plants and animals as foods!’ He shook his head, giving Ja a look of both pity and mockery. ‘Your young age is quite the reason for your narrow mind, I understand.’

Ja flashed him a look of anger. The prophetess was more revealing that Darsa; indeed, her emerald gown lacked sleeves and showed the curve of her breasts. Her hazel skin proved her determination to get as close as she could get to nature. Fasha respected her intention, just not the way she conveyed it.

‘Earth is soil and sand, nothing more, nothing less. You do not claim you live on It when the only element surrounding you is water,’ said Ja. Her mouth curled into a mocking smile. ‘Perhaps for such people, Water is the better deity for them to serve. However, this is all irrelevant details. We cannot live without Sun and Moon and Earth. Therefore, we should worship them all.’

‘Earth holds water,’ hissed Fasha. Why could the prophetess not see the simple fact? His attention was shifted to Kha and Darsa. ‘If we want light, we make fire; Sun is unneeded. Without it, we achieve night. Moon is just a light source with importance as equal as fire. We’ – a knock on the table – ‘do not need’ – another knock – ‘Sun and Moon.’

The others scowled at him. An askance look was his reply to them. They did not see the world as he did. Earth deserved undivided attention. It surrendered Its existence to be a place for them to live on. It sacrificed so much, much more than the other deities did. It spoke to Fasha; Its whispers told him It was neglected in a capacity beyond necessary. And tese prophets wanted to worship Sun and Moon that were distant to them. Her heat and light were nothing to Its shelter and food, water and air. His pale light and darkness were weak excuses against Its fire and depth.

Silia and Darsa he could remove, but Ja? That prophetess worshipped Earth too, but she also revered the deplorable others. Well, Fasha thought, one person at a time.


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Sun Oct 30, 2016 3:33 am
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Sujana wrote a review...



Oooh. A villain protagonist! This'll be a lovely read.

While your presentation was overall splendid, I felt like you could've used a second or third round in the editting machine. There were a number of grammatical and spelling errors, and it did seem as if you were rushing to get this finished. However, I do enjoy how the plot thickens, and the premise basically screams ME, so I think this'll be a good read for me overall.

However, I'm not here to praise. I'm here to criticize. So let's get to the beginning, shall we?

The Beginning

Fasha scrutinized the two prophets at his sides. On his left was Darsa the Merciful; at his right Kha the Wise. In front of him was the most difficult prophetess to compromise with, Ja of the Holy Triangle.


Alright, so I like the setup here. You have four prophets, and they're obviously going to start battling each other over some religious difference, which is fine. I do feel like you could've described them better in the beginning, and showed their personalities by how they sat down and what they were doing during the meeting, because throughout the story the only person I really got to "know" was Ja, the sort of balanced woman of all the three. Darsa looks to be the covered, modest woman, and I don't know what Kha does. It'd be good if the readers immediately got to know the characters through how they speak and through how they play off each other, as that can help us root for them later when Fasha inevitably divides them. Building a character does not take big things, after all. It takes little things. If a character slouches and avoids people's gaze, you know he's shy. If a character towers over the people around him, you know he's commanding. A character who curses is crass, and a character who uses long words is learned. It's all in the little things, not the descriptions.

The Ending

I think the ending was pretty good, so I'm not going to focus on it too much. The 'one person at a time' line shows Fasha's characters in the little things I was talking about--he's a bit of a chessmaster, and a cunning manipulator. I can't help, however, but feel like his motivations are unwarranted. Why does he not want to praise the Sun and the Moon? Does he feel as if they're cruel gods? Does he feel as if the Earth doesn't get enough treatment? I know he's the villain of the story, but he deserves just as much explanation as an ordinary hero. You need to focus on why he doesn't want to praise the other gods.

Main Criticisms

-Some Spelling Mistakes:

And tese prophets wanted to worship Sun and Moon that were distant to them.


These, not tese.

Hearing him, Fasha widened his eyes.


You're referring to Ja, so it's her, not him.

The prophetess was more revealing that Darsa


Than, not that.

-You mentioned someone named Silia in the end, but the only other person in the room I know about is Kha. Was that a mistake, or did I glide over something?

-Again, your characters could be a bit more distinct. These are characters of different religions--they're supposed to portray their own cultures, their identities, yet with the notable difference of Ja and Fasha all of them seem to fade into the background. I wish they spoke out a bit more, I feel like if they did they would attain a better identity and we could get to know them better.

Main Praises

-Your descriptions are wonderful in this. Very clear, very well-cut, and the worldbuilding seems set for an expansive world. Good job on that.

Take care,

--Elliot.




Lightsong says...


Thanks for the review! Yeah, Silia was actually a mistake, and I replaced with Kha, because Moon's representation should be a man, not a woman; all of this will come into play later on. :D



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Sun Oct 30, 2016 2:12 am
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LadyEvvy wrote a review...



Okay, review time!

To be honest, I've been too shy to review this for a while now. This is a really beautiful story, and I feel so unworthy! Nevertheless, I'll give it my best shot!

First of all, I think the writing style you used here is very interesting and it fits the theme of the story very well. It's very smooth and fun to read. The formality of it is well suited to the religious theme, and it keeps me as a reader in the right mindset for the story. It's also very poetic and has a nice rhythm that helps move the reader along.

Just one thing I've noticed relates to grammar. You have such a nice poetic style in this story that the few grammar mistakes you have sound intentional and almost pleasant. At the same time, most of the passage is written with very formal and proper grammar, so these sentences stand out a bit. One example is this line: "The meeting had been happening with agreement failed to reach." This sentence sounds a little rough compared to some of the others. I don't know if this was intentional, but it occurs in a few other places in the story, so I thought you should know about it.

"He shook his head, giving Ja a look of both pity and mockery. ‘Your young age is quite the reason for your narrow mind, I understand.’" This line really stuck a chord with me. Most people tend to think that they're very open-minded, and that those who disagree with them are not, myself included. Even when they subconsciously refuse to understand someone else's viewpoint, they demand that their counterpart understand theirs. This seems like a very nice comment on how disagreements arise, both in the case of Fasha's story and in many real-world instances.

Overall, this story is really beautiful and I love the way it's written. I'm sorry I took so much time to review this! Good luck and keep writing!





The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren't the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties.
— Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians