Published November 5, 2010
When we first met,
time stopped.
sounds stopped.
my heart stopped.
When we first met,
our first 'hello'
felt like an eternity
forever and ever.
When we first met,
our eyes met
and we talked
in the secret language of love.
When we first met,
I knew you were the one.
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
This poem was very sweet,
but I do feel like you could have written more, because there are so many ways to describe love.
your writing is fabulous!
~JVM
This is an amazing poem. I simply love it. Over all great job.
Its short and sweet the first thing i noticed was this seems like first love. When u learn how to play with fire. If you can make it a little longer give a little more detail in any part that would be great. Honestly i think its better than my work. XD
Cute, short, and sweet. Perhaps a little too much of each.
I do like this poem, but it lacks a lot in substance. I think it would be better if it was expanded, if you added more depth to it. There's certainly the potential to do so. Read it through, and let it mull in your mind for a few hours, maybe even a few days, I'm sure more substance will come. If this is based on an opinion you truely believe in then it shouldn't be too hard to find examples or inspirations for the poem in every day life.
Keep at it
Hello I'm LastPaladin and in agreement with smorgishborg I have to say when doing this theme try be a little more original, but perhaps I should explain my thoughts in detail, to help you full comprehend and understand what I mean. Okay so I shall begin the review.
Basically the problem with this is 'been there, done that, brought the t-shirt' syndrome, it's not original. It doesn't even disguise itself as original, it tries to be completely generic right down to the title. Love at first sight is different for everyone, it should resound different to the hearts, as of now it's a list of terms, wording or ideas we've heard a billion times over and doesn't really try and be anything different. The first line doesn't even allow us entry, so worse than being a poem about love a first sight, it doesn't even have any imagery, it sounds like a generic pop song you hear on the radio. It has no basis in actually emulating your emotions, feelings to me. Because of this it come across not only as boring but completely contrived. It just tries it best to be dull as possible and why?
Overall: You should show your emotions at the moment,s if you show your emotions it's bound to seem less like two mannequins falling in love, two faceless bodies beginning a relationship, it doesn't even give you a personality, love at first sight should be magical, this is nothing of the sort.
Hope this helps.
If you're going to do 'love at first sight', you're going to need to put a lot more into it than this.
Spoiler
This poem takes a common, yet powerful moment and waters it down beyond recognition. When describing an event, or a place, or a person, strong poetry ought to 'paint the scene' so to speak. The reader should not only understand enough of the circumstances to get what is happening, but great poetry should aim to invoke in the reader the same emotions of the writer. Writing is a form of communication, and good poetry is good communication.
In this instance, not only are the characters, the place, and the time all left out, but the poem hardly approaches doing justice to the moment. Meeting someone you're in love with is emotional, and this poem captures this sentiment like a sieve. We're left with the obvious stuff, but the flavor of the subject is completely missing.
hey:)
i thought this poem was really good, you really captured all ur feelings and put it into a well thought out poem. i think you should make it longer.
Hey Sionarama!
Though I do agree with Flower on the fact that this poem has the potential to be be so much more. You could expand it by adding a little nit more original ideas into it. The whole poem has a tad bit of a cliche feel, but I still liked it, don't worry. I just think that you could take this poem a great distance.
I thought this poem was really sweet. Some one out there is definitely lucky to have you feel this way about them.
PM me if you have any questions,
Jem
Hey there, Flow here and I will be your reviewer for the morning/afternoon.
I really like the simplicity to this, but it could be so much more. Right now you give us idea's that other people have had before. I think adding some description would liven this up a bit.
Also I think splitting this up into stanza's would help. It would make this much easier to read. I also think that you could erase some of the repitition and it would be easier to read.
Hope I helped.
-Flow-