Hi, Sionarama!
Her breathing was rough and shaky as tears streak her chubby cheeks.
A small something to begin with, as the story is set in the past tense, that should be streaked ;)
Okay! This reminds me of when I was learning things, perhaps not when I was young and perhaps not music (in fact chemistry comes more to mind) because it's that whole scenario of being so very frustrated by something that you just want to throw it away, but that with perseverance there will come a time where it all just clicks.
One thing that does confuse me though, is the number of characters! When I read it over the first time I got the impression that Stephanie was Siona's mother, but after reading it over a few more times I'm now not so sure. Is Stephanie her tutor or minder or something else? You could probably do with clearing that up a little, just to avoid confusion.
Something else that you could bear in mind is personal pronouns! All two/three characters in your story are women, and so there's a lot of she this and she that at times, and it can read in a slightly repetitive manner after a while. You also seem to call them 'the girl' and 'the lady' quite often, but seeing as we've already been told their names, why not use them! It helps add a little more humanity to the characters and makes them feel less distant and more like people.
A final thing to think about! This section here really sticks out to me:
The woman kneeled next to the little girl. The little girl stopped crying, her tears were reduced to little snuffles. “You can do anything if you set your mind to it. Here,” The woman stood up and swung the girl up. The girl couldn’t help it, she let out a giggle. The lady picked up the offending instrument and put it into the little girls arms, eagerly reaching for it, the frustration forgotten.
In a way, it feels very matter of fact. We've still got the issue of being very 'the girl' and 'the lady', but it feels like we're being told the this-and-that of what's happening, rather than being shown it, if that makes sense? It doesn't feel like there's a lot of fluidity between each action.
What you could do is add a little more detail and description! Maybe think about what questions people might have that could link things together, such as:
The woman stood up and swung the girl up. The girl couldn’t help it, she let out a giggle.
Why does being swung around make the girl giggle? Does she like it? (That sort of thing used to make my sister cry), how does it make her feel better? Could you describe that? It's the little things to help string each different action together so it has a bit more rhythm.
Considering how short this is though, it is quite a sweet little story. The characters are likeable (even if I can't quite tell who's who at times XD). Also, I noticed that the girl's name is Siona and your username is sionarama, is this a story based on your own experiences?
In any case, I hope that I've been of some use to you! If you have any questions or anything you'd like me to elaborate on, feel free to shoot me a PM and whatnot :D
- tinny
First off, I think you could come up with a more creative title. I'm awful at titles, but this one didn't really grab my attention. Also, especially in the beginning, you messed up with tenses. Most of this is told in the past, but you have a few places where you switch to present, which is annoying for the reader. Also, I caught a few places that sounded too repetitive. Read through this once more, and I think you could make it better.
Points: 3183
Reviews: 189
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