(Chapter Three)
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“That's why I didn't go with the pink one. I may as well have grabbed all of the unicorns, sparkle and glitter in the world, and then rammed it into the face of everyone I came across.”
“Mhmm,” I murmur absently.
I’m trying to listen to Aiden, I really am, but there’s only so much Aiden talk I can take, and he’s been rambling on about the colour of his college bag for the past twenty minutes. My thoughts are too distracting to listen to anyone right now. The night of Robbie Morrisey’s party keeps replaying in my mind and the longer I sit in the middle of the college reception, the more the crowds surrounding me remind me of that night. The whole thing makes my head ache. No one’s seen Zack since the party five weeks ago, not even Robbie apparently, and everyone I know has come up with theories. Some people even think he’s kicked the bucket. Stone cold dead.
There have been numerous parties since, none of which I've attended, but everyone's said that Zack hasn't turned up to a single one. Robbie even had another party and he never showed. People's reactions to the whole thing is amusing really: some who've never met the boy before in their life are acting as if it's the biggest tragedy of the century, while others think he deserves whatever has happened. Some even say they hope he's dead. That sends a shiver down my spine. Sure, he's a complete waste of space, but I'd never wish death upon anyone. I'm not that cold-blooded. I'm just relieved no one knows that Aiden and I helped him that night because I don't think I could deal with the attention it would bring.
“...and that’s the problem. Apples could read minds but we’ll never find out because apples can’t speak English, and we can’t speak ap--”
“Sorry,” I finally interrupt Aiden mid-ramble. “I love you and everything but I’m really not listening.”
He winks at me. “You’re just jealous because I got a bonerific B in GCSE Maths and you couldn’t even scrape a C.”
The worst part is that I was six marks off that C. If I’d gotten that C then I wouldn’t have to be dealing with this because a C in Maths is what most universities ask for. Dad performed his usual routine: casual about it to my face but ranting to Mum when he thinks I’m asleep, while Mum reminded me every passing minute that she was proud of me no matter what. I sometimes think I could strangle a cat and leave it on our doorstep, and she’d still tell me how proud of me she is. Dad’s also irritated that I came to this sixth form college rather than stayed in school. He gets irritated when I put the TV volume above twenty though, so that’s hardly surprising. School didn’t even offer Psychology and Law as A-Levels though, so like hell was I staying in that crap hole. No wonder I failed Maths there.
“I’m going to fail my resit as well at this rate because I was supposed to meet the head of Maths ten minutes ago,” I mutter. I search among the cluster of youths as if it will make the person I’m looking for magically appear.
Aiden’s started a conversation with himself again, but I’m somewhat thankful as it distracts my mind from wondering into places I don’t want it to go. He could tone it down a bit though. It’s times like this I wish he wasn’t pretty much my only friend. I turn my full concentration back to Aiden, hoping it looks like I’m deeply fascinated with whatever it is he’s saying.
“Apparently though, someone spiked his drink or something and it was extra bad because he had an allergic reaction to it, which probably explains why he was in such a state when we fou--”
“Euphegenia!”
Oh God, no.
“Euphegenia, I’m sorry I’m so late!” The blonde-haired woman bouncing towards me shouts my full name out again, causing every other student in reception to turn and look in my direction. “First week back and everything, you know? Busy, busy, busy!”
The woman who just shred away any chance of me making new friends at this college reaches Aiden and me with an enormous smile on her face. I would usually acknowledge her overall plumpness that makes her resemble a rounded fruit, but I’m still reeling after the mortification of losing my dignity to pay much attention.
“I better take you straight to Preston,” she continues. “He’ll be the one tutoring you for this. Hopefully you'll get that C this time round, eh? My name’s Angela, by the way.”
Before I have a chance to respond she’s already walking again. I almost have to jog to keep up with her, and I’m not sure she’s even noticed Aiden yet. We follow her through the crowds and along the hallways until we eventually come to a stop in the college library. Delyth, who’s sitting in front of one of the library computers, briefly catches my eye as she manically waves at Aiden and me. She’s a girl from Aiden’s English class who’s latched onto us since their first class together, but she doesn’t do much besides sit there grinning as she watches Aiden with admiration. I fear she might not realise he’s gay. Angela’s shooing Aiden away, and once he’s gone, she leads me to a door in the corner of the library.
“Preston is straight through there, he'll be the one tutoring you,” she says joyfully, nodding at the pale blue door. “I’m supposed to be in a meeting right now so I’ll leave you to go in and sort out lesson times and what not, okay?”
Before I can decide if that is in fact okay, Angela rushes away. I roll my eyes, pull open the door and drag myself through. As I enter the small room I see a table covered in paperwork laid out in dishevelled piles. Before I have a chance to notice anything else, I hear a voice that stuns me so much it almost leaves me winded.
“Miss Euphegenia Evian, punctuality is evidently not your forte.”
All I can do is stare. After all of the rumours I’ve heard, the questions I’ve been asked, and the confusion I’ve dealt with over the past five weeks, to see Zack Maddox sitting at the desk in front of me with a casual smirk on his face is incomprehensible. I begin stammering. My thoughts are sprinting laps in my head, and it’s as if the bag on my back has become ten tons heavier in the matter of seconds. He can’t just... I don’t... How can he just appear like this as if nothing ever happened? Where’s he been? Does he recognise me? Does he know it was me who stayed with him as he was dying? Is it actually him?
Am I going insane?
Zack laughs. “Out of curiosity, has anyone ever told you that your first name sounds like an STD?” His laughter increases, but I ignore him and ask my own question.
“Don’t you remember me?” He shakes his head at my question. “From the party?”
“Some elaboration would be useful.”
“Robbie Morrissey’s results party,” I reply as a flashback of what happened in the bathroom that night leaps into my head. No way am I going to let myself look the slightest bit vulnerable now. “Where have you been? Do you have any idea how screwed up some of the rumours are about you? What happened?”
“The college’s Maths tutoring is--”
“Don’t ignore what I just said!”
“I’m leaving in five minutes and if we’ve failed to establish an arrangement by then, the future of your GCSE isn’t promising. Believe me, no one else was willing to volunteer to this.” I can’t figure out if Zack’s voice is cold or simply robotic. “I’ve analysed your timetable and we both share free lessons on Thursday afternoons, so I thought that would be a good time. Is that feasible?”
“It is feasible, yes,” I say in a mocking tone. “But let’s face it: you’re not reliable as a person, let alone a Maths tutor.”
The only response I get is a smirk and an amused look surfacing in Zack’s amber eyes. I stammer again. Am I really not bothering him? I’m trying to annoy him but he just seems to be entertained by me. Does he genuinely not remember the awful things he said the night of the party? I sigh. There’s not even any point trying to piss him off, is there? It's not like I can even walk away from this if there aren't any other tutors, and no way can I pass Maths unaided. The college's tutoring is free and my parents sure as hell can't afford an outside tutor.
“Right, I need to head off,” Zack says as he stands up with a small pile of papers in his hand. “See you in here on Thursday.”
As he moves towards the door I entered minutes ago, I finally acknowledge the room I’m in. The desk and two chairs either side of it are the only pieces of furniture in the room, not that much else could fit in here. The grey walls are unadorned and the carpet’s grey as well. I can't say I'm thrilled at the prospect of spending my Thursday afternoons in here. Zack brushes past me, causing me to turn around as he reaches the door. I still can’t believe it’s him. I really, really can’t.
“Zack, do I need to bring my own stationary? Calculators and all that?” I don’t even bother sounding snappy this time. I need to figure out a better way to irritate him because being rude clearly doesn’t faze him.
“Nah, I’ll have all of that. Call me Preston, by the way. Zack’s my middle name.” He pauses as he holds the door open. “Either that or the ideal pseudonym to use when I feel the need to act like a narcissistic arsehole who gets himself wasted every weekend, vigorously crushing others’ vast expectations until he’s drowning in his own selfishness.”
With a wink, he’s gone, and the only trace of him ever being in the room is the door shutting behind him. I don’t think I’ve ever been so confused in my life.
As the day moves on my concentration is lost. I can’t even try listening during lessons because all I can think about is my meeting with Zack--sorry, Preston Maddox this morning. The amount of brain cells he seems to have developed over the past few weeks is bewildering enough, and that’s only the tip of the iceberg. To make things worse, the entire college is talking about him because it’s the first time he’s surfaced in over a month. What’s baffling people even further is the fact that he’s so bloody casual about it, and out of all of the conversations I’ve overheard, no one’s yet to discover what happened the night of Robbie’s party. Preston’s not really speaking to anyone either, apparently, and so I figure it’s best I don’t mention my meeting with him this morning. Otherwise I’ll have pubescent teenagers pestering me like bloodthirsty fleas.
That’s probably why I’m so relieved when I’m released last lesson, especially when I see that the corridors are more or less empty of gossiping kids. It’s only my fourth day of college and I’m already swamped with stress and confusion, and the fact it’s nothing educational related is irritating. I’m jogging lightly down the main staircase when I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket, and when I manage to pull it out and answer, Aiden begins screaming in my ear.
“Effie! Where the mackerel are you? The bus is leaving!”
“Really? Crap.”
As if I’m waiting to begin a track race and the starting pistol has just been fired, I turn my light jog into a sprint. I get some baffled looks from the students left inside the building, but I easily disregard them while Aiden continues shouting into my ear.
“I’ve been so worried! Delyth here has been in tears, listen!” I hear a girl muttering, who I assume is Delyth, but it’s Aiden who speaks next. “Please? For me? Effie has to know how distraught we all are at her disappearance, even you, Deltyth. You’re meant to be a Drama student, just fake it.”
Aiden’s still speaking as I run outside into the pattering rain, but I’m too busy desperately hoping to find the bus to take much notice of what he’s saying. I run alongside the building towards the parking area, and to my horror, I catch a glimpse of the bus turning the corner at the end of the street and leaving the college grounds.
“I missed it!” I say over the phone.
“Don’t worry, I’ll sort it!” Aiden replies.
For once in his life, Aiden stops speaking and his voice is replaced by the sound of muffled ones in the background. I wait ten seconds or so until I hear his voice again, mixed with an unrecognisable one.
“C’mon, be a babe, I’ll pay you,” I manage to make out Aiden saying.
The other voice replies, but it’s too deep and too rough for me to understand it. I figure it’s not a satisfying reply as it’s followed by a groan from Aiden.
“Uh, okay then, I’ve got twenty six pence, a coupon for a head massage...” There’s a muffling sound. “A strand of cotton, a handmade bracelet, a button--it’s a lovely baby blue colour--and a... What the hell is that? My God, seriously, what is that? Is it even--oh! I know, it’s... uh, no, you don’t want that.” Aiden pauses. “That’s everything. Do we have a deal?” Seconds later, I hear a loud swear. “My granddad was a bus driver once. Do you know what makes you different to him? He never ripped my heart out and threw it onto the ground. That’s what you did to me. Just remember that while you sleep at night.” There are even more muffling sounds, followed by a slumping one. “Yeah, you’re screwed.”
By now I’ve found shelter under the bus stop’s metal roof, but some drops still manage to fall on me from somewhere. I’m going to have to walk home, aren’t I? I swear, thank Aiden for trying, and then hang up. I don’t have an umbrella and I can’t wait for the rain to ease because they lock the college gates by four thirty, and it’s coming up to twenty-five past now. Can’t things just go right for five measly minutes?
#
A mile or so into my walk home, I begin doubting my sanity. I always do when I’m alone. It’s not that I start running around the place going crazy or slump into a state of manic depression, I just have a tendency to do these weird things when I lack company. Things like shutting my eyes and seeing how far I can walk without crashing into anything, and gazing intently into passing car windows to try and read drivers’ minds. Come to think of it, maybe I’m not insane. Maybe I’m just horrifically immature. Or maybe I just need something to distract myself from the pouring rain that’s falling onto me as I drag myself through the trek home from college.
Once I've passed enough lamp posts to last me a lifetime, I’ve lost the will to even try and distract myself. I glare at my feet as if to scold them for not getting me home yet, and step off a curb. I knew I should have brought money with me today. I could have gotten a public bus home then, but no, I had to be naive and assume I--There's a sharp tug on my college bag. I'm yanked back onto the pavement, my hands flail, I yelp, I swear, my heart catapults against my rib cage, there's an ear-shattering beep, and a car zooms straight past where I was standing moments ago.
* * * * *
The British education system is probably confusing the hell out of some of you, so basically just know that college here is not the same as university, and it's for pupils aged 16-18. GCSE's are final grades at the age of 16 that determine whether you can do A-Levels or not. A-Levels is a two year course that can be done in school or college, and they give you your final grades to go to university. Err, kapeesh?
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139,610 Literary Works • 672,625 Reviews
I've had a semi awful day wrestling with the mold in my flat (and mostly losing) so I apologise in advance if this is short!
I'm not sure the sarcasm quite caries across in this paragraph so 'amusing' feels out of place.Specifics
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2. I'm not sure how Aiden gets from talking about his bag to them studying/ talking about maths. I'm also not sure what the setting is here so maybe try to drop a line or two of description in earlier to try and ground the reader?
3.
4. Lovely dialogue as always. It's great that Angela repeats her words again in a different way because that's something a lot of people do when they're really focused on what particular task and it made me smile.
5.
6. I was expecting Preston to be a teacher, like the head of maths or something. Maybe you can have Angela say something about him being a great student or something to make that less of a surprise?
7.
8. I'm surprised Aiden doesn't tell her the moment the bus starts pulling away that she has missed it but it's okay because he's sorting it. Surely he'd be the first to realise!
9. Please tell me it's not Zack to the rescue as that would be far too much coincidence for one day!
Overall
I'm a bit confused by the whole Zack disappearing thing, partly because if they're only just starting at the new college then wouldn't it be normal to not have seen someone over the summer? I used to get super reclusive between terms and I know I lost touch with a lot of people between high school and college. In fact, I didn't see some of them ever again and certainly not over the summer but I suppose if he was previously really sociable then it might be more obvious that he hasn't been around. I'm also not sure on the name switch. It feels a little like it's there just so we don't know he's the math tutor. If he goes by Preston at school but Zack when he's partying then surely his best friend would know him as Preston as well and not Zack? Something there doesn't quite add up.
Other than that, this was a smooth chapter and a nice advancement of the plot! See you after the next one
~Heather
Hey! Gravity here with yet ANOTHER Review. You've sucked me in, what can I say?
I wish you would elaborate. Why doesn't Effie want people to know they're who called the ambulance and who helped Zack? Have they touched base with Robbie since then? Why haven't they tried to find out what happened to Zack or if he was okay? I know Effie isn't the character who wants attention, but to actively keep it away from yourself is odd.I love that you started out by describing what Effie is feeling.
hahaha. I really love the dry humor. It's a nice touch.
AND WE FINALLY LEARN HIS LEGIT FIRST NAME!
Haha this happens to me every time a football player or cheerleader who is known for acting ditsy shows up
I thought Effie was a guy.......
I thought Aiden was a guy too. Is he not? Uh oh. Nooooooooooooo.
XOXO
Gravity
Another great chapter. I love the fact that you've chosen to make Zack the tutor. Brilliant twist! You know how to surprise your reader. You can share the confusion at the change in Zack's character as well, which is good because the reader can tell that Zack (sorry, Preston) is definitely a round character, and is developing throughout the novel.
xx
Love the pacing of the chapter, because again at the end, the reader is left wanting more. Great job.
Hey Skins, Black here for your requested review.
Okay, so first off: I seriously liked this chapter more than the previous one. You've got a great way of compacting the critical information down into a single, interesting bunch of writing, and making sure you leave out all the unnecessary details. So nice work there. Your grammar and style are both really pretty good in this chapter, though a few more description details wouldn't be bad. The few problems that I found were low level, so this review won't be too long.
Okay, about your size. In my first review for you I suggested you breaking the chapters up into smaller sections, but now that you've dug yourself up a bit of a following, I don't think that'll be necessary. Now you can just ask me, or Twit, or somebody, to do a review for you whenever. And when a review is requested of us, size doesn't matter. If I were just surfing around, looking for something to review, a chapter this big would be passed over usually. Unless I'm in the right mood.
Your grammar has a number of weak spots in it, which I will be quoting, pointing out, and generalizing from. I'm still also having a bit of trouble with your spelling. There're at least six words that you spell differently than me. Anyway though, I'm glad to see that my reviews are being put to good use, it's a relief. Thanks! Here goes!
Okay, three things. First: The 'I know have come up' should be 'I know HAS come up'. Second: The phrase 'stone cold dead' isn't something you can really use like this. You say that some people think he died, and then you use a phrase, independently, that means basically 'long/ completely dead'. Perhaps you see how that doesn't work out. I'd just get rid of it. Now, thirdly; your sentences. Something I notice here is that you use a LOT of VERY long sentences in your dialogue and descriptions . . . and some of them get a bit hard to understand. Now GENERALLY speaking, using shorter sentences makes your description and action much better. Easier to read. Less passive. More realistic. Less drawn out. Look at these sentences:
Now of course this sentence does go with Aiden's character in every way. It helps show who he is. But it's difficult to read. Some of your sentences aren't particularly long, but you really should avoid trying to put separate pieces of information and thought in the same sentence. That makes them too long FOR the information they hold. Hope you see what I mean.
I think you should put the 'being casual about it' part in apostrophe's. You're semi-quoting it after all, so putting them in would make it grammatically correct. And what is this 'being casual about it'? A dance? A face. A reaction . . . what? You need to specify that. It feels wrong as is. 'but then ranting to Mum when he thinks I'm asleep routine' . . . that part makes LESS than no sense. You need to look into it. Read it to yourself; tell me if you see what's wrong. But make sure you fix it. I can't understand what you mean: AT ALL. The 'but then he gets irritated when I put the TV volume above twenty so that's hardly surprising' section has two problems. First off, the 'then' should be 'then again', because otherwise it's just a word marking a following action. Secondly, you need a comma after the 'twenty'.
Two things, 'what not' should have a dash (what-not), and why on earth do you say 'Maths' instead of 'math', or 'mathematics'. I figure it's just a British thing (I have a certain British (I'm pretty sure she's British anyway) friend who uses 'Maths' too) . . . but I thought I'd point out that on this side of the world it's said 'math' . . . not maths. Just a random note from a slightly confused reader. Thanks for your time
Tell me if I'm wrong, but wasn't this person's name 'Angela' just a few minutes ago? I have two solutions to this dilemma A: You're throwing in a character you've never used before (without proper introduction), or B: You've got your name's mixed all up. I assume that it's number two, however in either case, it's a problem. You should really look into it.
This sentence is dead run-on and difficult to understand. You can't go from physical action (sitting) to 'subtle poise' so quickly. Break it up into two sentence. It'll be a bit more jerky, but at least it'll make sense.
'the hour trek' part doesn't make any sense. At all, I'm afraid. You need to review and re-write it. Also, your description at the end has been well-kapeeshed, just so you know! Nice work with it (and thanks for putting it in -that was confusing).
Okay, something I'd like to note on: I really am losing that 'original' feel you gave me at first, when I read your first chapter. Your style IS amazing, your pacing is really perfect, and overall this piece was REALLY well done . . . but you need to try to keep original. If I had to guess, she's going to be spending some quality time with Preston/ Zack now. Right? If I'm wrong then so help me, I shall die of embarrassment (I swear that I have not read past this point!).
Point being that when this story started I kept getting this feeling that you were going to pull the whole story somewhere new. But right now I'm losing that feeling. Now yeah, being cliche and unoriginal CAN be fun and good reading . . . but it's really a lot better to keep off of the beaten track. Of course you can make this go some new direction, but I'm still saying, Preston's position (not VERY weird) is making my expectations drop. Just thought I'd note it
But anyway, this chapter seems to be building up to some greater plot, and even if that plot isn't specifically original, you're doing a good job on it. I enjoy it how you start off rather abruptly (not smoothly introducing your characters), and jumping right into the plot at the first few lines. Great job there. Overall: Great work. I advise you to work on your grammar; re-read your work before you post it. Make sure you keep your plot original (p.s. Did I mention your character's are more convincing now?). And watch for a theme.
Good luck, and remember: KEEP WRITING. You're doing great so far, I'd hate to see a story with this much prospective just drop dead. Good luck again!
P.s. If you wanna follow up on this review, then please do so via PM (and if you wanna be really nice then would you mind dropping by my Review For Food thread and telling me what you thought of this review, maybe rating it on a scale of one to twenty, putting into account what you expected, what you'd have liked me to cover, how much this review helped you, how easy it was to understand (etc.). Please?).
~Black~
Hi Skins!
Okay, so this will probably be a shorter review, but I'll just try and give all my thoughts on this chapter and be as helpful as possible. Sorry for not getting to this sooner, and it's been a while since I read the first chapter. Nonetheless, let me start with the things I liked! I think this was a good next part of the story, and I like how we learn more about the characters, especially Effie. I found her real name very amusing xD. I may have said this in the last chapter, I really like your writing style, as in the pacing is good and I don't really feel myself getting bored at any times.
Now for improvements! Something specific I noticed here:
For me, I thought there were too many rhetorical questions, I think two would be sufficient. Maybe you could could cut out the 'is there' at the end, but it's totally up to you
As I am from the UK I have somewhat of a knowledge of the education system, (it still confuses me a bit!) but yeah, if Effie got a D at GCSE's then how is she able to be doing it at college? I thought that a C was even pushing it in most places, and then also, why is she doing Maths if she dislikes it/is not so good at it?
Also, so if the party from the previous chapter was a celebration of GCSE results, and following that Zack sort of disappeared, would that just mean that he disappeared over the Summer? If that's the case then why does the whole school seem so worried, because he's not even gone during term-time. It just seems a bit unrealistic how much of a celbrity he is and how adored he is.
Lastly, something which I thought was lacking in this chapter was some descriptions- and I noticed this a bit in the last chapter too. It's either conversation or just explaining actions. I'd like to see some more here, perhaps about how Zac looked that day because he seems to be an important character now. Or maybe elaborate a bit on the rainy day, so we feel more sympathetic foe Effie and the fact she has to walk to school.
I hope this helped! It seems I was talking about the education system more than anything, but I hope my suggestions were useful! This was a good chapter and I can't wait to read the next part.
Keep writing!
-Arc x
Back again, hello.
This chapter was... odd. Like, I felt very confused and loose the entire time, as if I couldn't really grab onto anything. I think it was the pacing. It didn't really build to anything or have any real dramatic rise and fall, even with the big reveal of the chapter. There was no build up to it. There was honestly more build up and development to Effie missing the bus than there was to the huge reveal of Preston's identity.
It just sort of felt like characters rambling about from thought to scene to random thought again. Aiden's conversations with himself(?) just kind of almost became annoying instead of endearing. There was no point to them. Aiden is just sort of serving as a sassy gay friend (tm), basically a prop, rather than an actual character.
Did Zack's disappearance actually affect any one? I understand there's apparently some controversy about it within the community, but is anyone actually affected by it? How does Aiden feel about his phone having been used to call for help for Zach. Were they questioned after all of this by the police? Did that affect them at all in the school community? Did anyone know that they were there? Have they been pestered by their peers?
I just feel like that whole situation demands a bit more attention than it's getting. Effie's just kind of wandering around worrying about normal school things when anything but normal school things is happening around her. Yes, I get that normal school things are still happening and they can still be explored, but for me at least, when something like that has happened, I tend to linger on it a bit more. Even though it has been five weeks (and why that long?) it's still kind of a big thing to have witnessed. And Effie was really upset by Zach's comments.
Also also, I'm obviously not sure where Zach and Effie's relationship will go - whether it will be an actual relationship, or some kind of rivalry, etc. etc. - but I can see some problematic trends here. Effie's first annoyed by him and then actually physically threatened by him and made angry/upset. Then, she sees him here and her first reaction is to keep working with him or seeking some kind of acknowledgement? I'd say screw that and get another tutor. Why does she have to be stuck with him here? Why is she letting him walk all over her like that? Why not just walk away? It just feels forced, for them to be interacting at all.
So yeah, my two cents. I'm not as hooked as I was at the end of the first chapter. The characters kind of feel like cardboard cutouts of themselves, just there to deliver (admittedly) clever quips. There wasn't a lot of time to get a good handle on the characters first chapter, and this doesn't expand on them any more, I feel.
Hope this was helpful in some way and not just my inane ramblings. Again, give a shout if you have any comments or questions.
~Gryph
Skinsuit, this is my design. I’m falling asleep on my keyboard, so this will have to be short. Ish.
I’m not entirely sure what it is about this, but reading it out loud and in my head makes it seem too long and weirdly worded. But I can’t see anything really specific about it… Maybe come back to it. Maybe it just needs shortening.
‘Absentmindedly’ usually means ‘forgetfully’. Suggest ‘absently’ instead.
Suggest combining these into one sentence: I’m trying to listen to Aiden, I really am, but there’s only so much Aiden talk I can take, and he’s been rambling on about the colour of his college bag for the past twenty minutes.
I think someone else might have mentioned this, but I feel a bit cheated that there’s such a long break between this chapter and the last one. I wanted a good strong follow-up to the last chapter’s cliffhanger: the panic over what’s wrong with Zack, those agonizing minutes as they wait for the ambulance to come, Effie examining her feelings, torn between being secretly glad that he’s hurt and horrified that he might die… (That’s how I’d write it, because I like writing neurotic jerks for characters.) Maybe Effie didn’t feel like that, wouldn’t have felt like that—but I don’t know, and I think it would really strengthen your story and our relationship with these characters to see how they react in a life-and-death situation, with some real stakes and concerns.
Missed close quotes.
Suggest delete ‘being’ and ‘then’ maybe putting the red in quotes so it’s more apparent what you mean.
Suggest I turn my full concentration back to Aiden, hoping it looks like I’m deeply fascinated with whatever it is he’s saying.
Repetition.
The description’s a bit clunky here. You already called her ‘the blonde-haired woman’, and these extra bits feel too far apart. Suggest ordering it something like The woman bouncing towards me is blonde, middle-aged and as plump and pink as a peach on the turn or whatever you want it to be.
Passive voice in a cluttered sentence. Suggest reword.
Loooong sentence is long. Suggest tighten and reword.
Suggest delete, or find a better word.
Suggest delete ‘now’. Also, this feels too sudden. ‘Leads me to the outside of a small room’ somehow makes me envision them standing in a large field, and a small room suddenly appears out of nowhere.
Redundant. Suggest delete.
‘Drag myself through’ and ‘walk into’ have very different connotations, and I’d go with ‘drag’, so suggest reword ‘walk into’. Also ‘lift my eyes to see’ is awkward.
Like the bottled water?
Awkward wording. I’d suggest saying straight away that it’s Zack, so we know exactly who Effie’s staring at.
with the dialogue coming immediately after Effie’s thoughts, I at first assumed that Effie spoke this dialogue, and was very confused. Suggest giving Zack an action before he speaks; that way it’s clearer who’s who, and we get a better mental image of the room.
I know she comments on the weirdness of this, but it’s so weird that ‘perfectly safe’ feels too strong. Suggest something like I don’t feel in any danger.
Meaning is unclear.
Awkward wording and a cluttered sentence. Suggest split up.
Typo.
This description feels very out of place. I’m meant to be still reeling from the Zack reveal (I remember it from last time, so I’m not reeling as much I could be), and suddenly talking about the furniture is a distraction from this big development.
Weird word to use; suggest delete.
Meaning is unclear. Do icebergs usually hold things?
Awkward wording.
Does this mean, she’s not to worry because Aiden is on the bus, or because he’s coming up with a solution to her problem? Also, the tag is awkwardly worded.
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O hai. Main thingies are description—you really could use some, cause at present it’s a wee bit bland, and I’m not really able to picture the settings very well. Not just descriptions of the places, the school and all, but the people, and what they’re doing while in conversation, and what their faces are doing and all that good stuff.
I guess it’s just that, and the point about the gap between chapters.
Hi there!
I finally got around to this review. Sorry for taking this long. I'll try to get to reviewing quicker next chapter...which I see is already out.
I apologize ahead of time for a short and lame review. I'm heading out to work soon and I really wanted to get this done before I left.
Overall I think this is a transitional chapter for you. It seems like you needed a time to share a bunch of information about the story and this is the chapter you chose to share it in. That's not a bad thing of course, seeing as you always need a time to slow down and share information with your readers.
It surprises me that Zack is her math tutor. Even though I remember that from the first time you posted this novel like forever ago, I'm still surprised by it. It's because you introduced him in the first chapter as this party guy who just goes around getting drunk and kissing random girls. So to see this whole other side of him is both surprising and interesting.
I enjoyed reading this. Good job. And again, sorry for the really lame review. I'll get around to the third chapter soon!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey Skins!
So as your author's note suggests, and I agree with you, the English school system is as confusing as heck. I mean I understood it because I know the system but to an outsider, the first explanation where you talk about college and not staying in school and stuff, you could have done that all a little slower and given a little more explanation. I think firstly you'd be better off referring to it as sixth-form college at least once, and also explaining that a D is a fail? In Ireland a D is still a pass- you see what I'm saying? Just try putting things into plain Enlgish- I know you want Effie to retain that lovely vernacular, but you have to strike a balance.
I know you recognise this chapter was long but that wasn't actually my issue- I think that it would have been much more effective if you had cut earlier. Maybe when she first meets Preston. Or maybe when he leaves the room. The last segment, it's cute, but it's just fluff. It'd be fine (great, in fact) for the beginning or middle of a chapter, but I felt like it didn't pack enough punch for it to be a good ending. It's up to you of course, but any type of suspense would be better.
Of course, to begin with, I was highly confused, I thought that he had overdosed at the party and the next chapter would be them calling an ambulance etc- what the heck happened after that cliffhanger ending? Did Effie and Aiden just go home? I felt the chapters weren't matching up.
Also the first time you spell Robbie's name there's an extra e on the end. I don't know, maybe in the time skip he's started a successful rap career that calls for him to be called Robbiee. If not... probably a typo.
Other than that I unfortunately don't have a lot to say to you! This wasn't bad- not as good as your first chapter but not bad!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hey Skins,
So this was an interesting second chapter. Although, in my own opinion I much prefer the first one. The personalities of the characters are still really clear, and I think those are good, so I wouldn't change them. It was especially interesting to hear her full name. It's nice for a character to have something unique about them.
I was surprised by the sudden time gap in between the two chapters but I guess it's okay. I felt like there was something pretty important missing throughout this chapter that made the first one stand out more. I think this one was less able to hook me in because nothing significant happened, other than getting to know her daily life and characters more.
I understand it's relevant to know why she is going to be tutored by Zack, and that there are rumours about him because he's so popular. But other than that I wasn't perked with interest. I don't know what you can add in here to do that, but this is my views on this chapter. I hope this review helped a bit
Deanie x
This is brilliant!
I WANT MORE.
Hello thanks for pestering me to tell me this part of your story was ready because I'm rather enjoying it. I'd first like to compliment the personalities your characters express. Aiden is by far my favorite because he is relate able with how me and my friends behave. I also love Eff and all her glorified awkwardness! there are only a few picky things I noticed.
Here you don't need to make two paragraph because one person is talking.
“Preston’s straight through there,” she says joyfully, nodding at the pale blue door we’re standing beside.
“I’m supposed to be in a meeting right now, so I’ll leave you to go in and sort out lesson times and what not, okay?”
Here you use "the" twice and that kinda messes up the flow perhaps remove the first one.
I can’t understand why he’s in the college in the first place because he’s eighteen, so why hasn't he done his A-Levels already?
I think you forgot to add on between chairs and either .
The desk and two chairs either side of it are the only pieces of furniture in the room, not that much else could fit in here.
I would consider rewording this to *The gray walls are unadorned,carpet gray as well, which doesn’t portray the homiest feeling in the world.* Just a thought.
There aren’t any posters on the grey walls, and the carpet is grey too, which doesn’t portray the homiest feel in the world.
I have always been fond of this statement but the words after it doesn't seem to fit I don't know how you would want to reword it.
that’s only the tip of the iceberg holding in my questions
I believe to was meant to be from here.
Do you know what makes you different to him?
Over all I love this story and be sure to pester me again when you add a new chapter!
XOXO Gabby
Do I sense a possible romance here?
*hint, hint*
I support.
*hint, hint*
Make a romance.
*hint, hint*
I would honestly love, love, love it if you headed the story in this direction.
*hint, hint*
GREAT JOB so far!
With Love,
Paige