Published November 3, 2008
Even the Sakura blossoms can't immortalize your graceful steps
Take my hands and we will dance the moonlit night away for this is our last.
The crowd cheers as we make passionate love on the polished wooden floor.
The kiss of death tastes so sweet on the Last Waltz you will ever know...
Let us run together I will catch you when you fall...
Let us fly together...
Please be my wings and help me fly free from this place...
Don't leave me all alone again.
Take me with you as we dance across the wood floors...
The crowd slowly disappears in an instant moment...
Kiss me now as I stand mesmerized.
Don't leave me all alone.
I ran with you and I danced with you.
Please.
Take me with you.
In an instant you disappeared once again.
How could you?
You promised.
I run to the bathroom,
Look in the mirror,
Only to see the pained self I saw before.
How could you leave me like that?
You promised me you wouldn't.
You promised me you would stay with me forever.
I don't understand how you could...
I ran out the door.
I ran to the farthest hill from you and I sat down
I looked at the stars only to see one falling.
But it disappeared with a spark as I look in the reflection in the water near the hill
I see a beautiful young face...
I don't need you anymore.
You can runaway but I will stay here and live my own life.
You can fall to pieces.
But I will pick myself up again and I will move on.
I can live my own life and I don't need you in it.
So take that last dance...
And remember it forever...
Because when you return ...
Don't expect me to be waiting for you...
Because I have already moved on.
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139,585 Literary Works • 672,611 Reviews
Thank you for informing me of my mistakes.When i come home today I will be sure to edit my work. Please if you can read my other poems and see if there is anything wrong with them.
A.S.U.
meghan
I think you have a good idea but I don't think you executed it as nicely as you could. There were many mistakes and I am sure you could improve. The first part was beautiful, but I agree with CK Lynn, it went downhill.
Capitalize every I, because that is many people's, including my, pet peeve. I hate text write, because if you can't separate one type of writing from another it makes your writing suffer. It's like knowing two different languages. If you start writing in English and randomly adding in Chinese words. Okay, well it's not the same, but it's similar.
No all capitals. You can express emotions in other ways besides caps. You don't need all those exclamation points, either. I personally think you are capable of re-writing this and making it sound amazing.
I really liked the first stanza, but after that it went downhill. First, there were some grammer errors, like that I think "moon lit" is two words, and please, please capitalize all your I's. Also, the ninth stanza does not need all capitals, nor does adding exclamation points after everysentance make them stand out any better.
This is a pretty good poem. I also agree with what DrammaMomma says. Is there really a need to put two spaces after the commas like here:
Maybe you intended that, but I'm not sure. Also, make sure you capitalize your I's unless you want them lowercase for some reason:
That's about it. Good job and keep writing!
~Jamie
Hi there.
Firstly, good attempt, however, no offence, but it's not one of the best poems I've read.
I feel that you've got some mistakes here however and I've underlined and bold them.
"i" should be capitalized and the dots at the back should be either three or one. Not four, not two. In the second quoted stanza, it should be "an" and not "and".
Just curious, but is there any meaning for your double spaces in your words?...
Just a suggestion, maybe you could put a question mark instead of a comma? (:
In the last part, maybe you could have written:
"Because I have already moved on..."
Just another suggestion. Overall, I feel that your poem has a smooth flow and the gradual change of emotions is great and is there.
Cheers,
DrammaMomma.