.....Forget me not by Sincerly_I_Write — Poetry

Sincerly_I_Write Comment

Sincerly_I_Write commented Comment · Feb 16, 2009

thanks so much for helping me i f you could if you have time could you comment my other poems please?

Evi

Review

Evi wrote a review Review · Feb 16, 2009

'Ello, Sincerely, I'm Evi! You've already gotten some nice reviews from June and Kat, but I'll give you another one just for good measure.

I can't see your star Love this as a starting sentence, dear.
[s]Though [/s]I patiently waited, [s]bedside[/s], for the death of today
But The mechanical lights of Lisbon frightened it away Unless Lisbon is important to you, I think the poem would flow best deleting the 'of Lisbon'. *shrug* But, if it means something to you, you could keep it.
And I'm alone now,
Me and all I stood for.
We're wandering now.

I don't really like how you end two sentence with 'now'. I love how you put their beliefs as wandering with them, though. That's wonderful.

So far away
It’s growing colder without your love
Why can’t you [s]feel[/s] hear me calling your name?
Can’t break the silence
It’s breaking me I'd put me in italics, for dramatic effect, ya?
All my fears turn to rage

So! This was a nice little poem. However, I'm having trouble reconciling the poem itself with the title you've given me. Although the title and the poem are both very good, they aren't good together. Never in the poem do you say 'forget me not', and you don't really even hint towards not wanting them to forget you. So, I'd change the title to fit your poem rather than change the poem to fit your title. It would be much more work!

:arrow:

The last sentence isn't quite doing it for me. It's so typical, how someone's sad and alone and then they're angry; I'd love to see something different here. Of course, if this is a real-life poem based off of an experience of yours where fear actually did turn to rage, there's nothing I could do, really. But, if this is just a poem you hammered out because you felt the emotion, I think you could afford to take a step back. Look at this. First of all, none of the poem prior to the last line tells me that the speaker is afraid. It's almost like they're observing the aftermath of lost love, rather than rebelling against it or breaking down. They're wandering, a little lost, but otherwise whole.

That's just how I'm getting it, and I can't get the last line to fit in with the story you're telling.

Hopefully this makes sense. Good luck, and PM me if you need anything!

~Evi

Juniper

Review

Juniper wrote a review Review · Feb 15, 2009

Hey there Sincerely, June here, and I am going to review this for you! I'll try not to be too harsh on you dear, here we go .

I can't see your star

Though I patiently waited, bedside, for the death of today

The mechanical lights of Lisbon frightened it away

And I'm alone now,

Me and all I stood for.

We're wandering now

In the second line, I underlined "bedside". When you read this poem, bedside sounds a bit fragmented and deadwoodish. Unless you add something like, "by my bedside" it's going to read kind of flatly.

Also! A connection word like "but" would come in handy to join that line to the next. Without it, it's sounding a bit jerky and fragmented, dear.

So far away

It’s growing colder without your love

Why can’t you feel me calling your name?

Can’t break the silence

It’s breaking me

All my fears turn to rage

• To call someone is an action that would be heard, if anything, not felt. I'm not sure if you want to keep it like this or use a clearer word, dear. It's up to you

.

Also! Connect these lines. I really like how/what you're speaking about here, but it's all sounding like fragments to me since there aren't any words to "connect" them, dear. Just keep an eye on that

.

*

The only other thing I would like to point out is your title. Drop the ellipsis in it! You don't need it, it's not helping us understand anything more or less. It's practically worthless, and it's just taking up space. No need for that.

* *

Overall, I think that this is good. It definitely has potential for you to expand if you wanted to, and it's fine just as it is. All it needs is a fine touch of revision, and then it'll be a masterpiece.

Good job, I really liked the message here.

Any questions, feel free to PM me, and I hope I wasn't too harsh!

June

*writewatiwant*

Review

*writewatiwant* wrote a review Review · Feb 15, 2009

Hey there Sincerly_I_Write! Welcome to YWS!
First of all, LISBON ROCKS! *laughs* just had to cheer for my country's capital.
So, on to your poem.
this is really nice. just a few nit-picks.
The second line on the first stanza ruins the flow. it's way too long. Try to brake it down.
"mechanical lights" sounds... awkward. Reword it, please.
I liked how you referrer to your beliefs as if they were a person :wink:

On the second stanza, the first two lines are strange. Maybe reword the first line so that it's something like : you're so far away. Or something close to that, because mine sounds cliche.

Why can’t you feel me calling your name?
Can’t break the silence

Feel someone calling you? it sounds better to hear.
In the other line put an I.
the ending doesn't "closes" the poem. Maybe continue a little more. Add some lines, and find a better ending.

Overall: I liked it. But it needs polishing up. You have a good theme: you just need to display it better.

*Kat*

PM me if you need anything!

.....Forget me not

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