This is my first story to post on here. Hope you like it, but please be critical. 
Thanks!
Prologue:
This has lasted long enough: It’s time for this war to end. As I write the note, I consider my two prisoners. Though they are not in a dungeon, they are afraid and that brings a smile to my face. There is little hope that they will return to the life they knew. Though they may be released, everything will be changed. I will be on my way towards having the largest fiefdom and a springboard for the royal court and kingship.
Of course, there are a few details about the plan to secure – the parents would have to actually surrender, there must be no interfering from outside sources, and the other siblings must not meddle. Of course the son was away making war, however the girl: She could possibly present a problem. Though rash and confident, she was young and the obvious, a girl. However, her determination and charismatic ability to sway a person with her words and actions made her a force to be reckoned with. No matter, I will ensure that she is well taken care of and will be too busy to attempt anything that could spoil this moment for me.
Having finished and dispatched the ransom note, I strode from my study down the cold corridors of my castle. The servants scurried out of my way, especially when they watched where I was heading. Stopping outside the familiar door, I leaned in to hear the whispered words. I drew back, surprised. I had been unaware that the family had gained religion. Well, their pleading prayers and encouraging words would do nothing for them. God did not exist, and their fate lies in the hands of mere, fallible mortals.
Sliding the small eye panel aside, I glare inside, just to ensure that they do in fact fear me. Instead, I am greeted with two pairs of curious and confident dark blue eyes, much like my own. Ah, so the rumors are true: they take after their older siblings and have their bravado, the brave humanity which their parents lack. It matters not – all confidence will soon be replaced with fear. I give a cold laugh before slamming the panel shut and turning back towards my study. There are other pieces to guide into place.
End of chapter
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140,745 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This was a pretty solid sounding prologue here, besides one little part where things went into too much detail about a fairly vague leading to some confusion, the rest works out quite well here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...bit of mixed feelings on that particular opening, one on hand it looks like someone that's doing something good by calling off a war..and releasing these prisoners of war, but they seem oddly satisfied at the potential devastation this imprisonment would cause these prisoners and also appears to have fulfilled some ulterior with the war itself.
Okay...not entirely sure who that was intended for or if that was maybe the note itself...but I felt like it went into a little too much detail about a person that we nothing about. Its a bit too vague to be of much use to the reader cause while it hints at some potentially exciting things, its just not quite clear enough for us to get what the excitement might be about.
Okay...well, this is a fun little paragraph there, you get to know so much about what sort of person this is an what sort of ideals they operate under and the relationship they have with their staff all in this one tiny paragraph, and I do love seeing bits like this at the start of a story.
Well, by now I think we can perhaps relatively safely say this is someone meant to be more on the evil side of things...aand well, this sure does get your attention to see how prisoners are there that they hope to strike fear into..and to see most of the prisoners don't appear to show fear even if they are afraid.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think this makes for a really solid prologue here. Its definitely doing its job well enough and it sounds like something I'd at least read more of.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This is a pretty cool beginning, although I'm not completely hooked. It just feels a little dry and common. I think you could find a more dynamic way of introducing your story, and while this is good it just doesn't quite feel like enough. It also gives the impression of being a pretty typical story. I would add to your language and give your characters more depth and expression, to breathe life into your story. Anyway, I'm curious to see where this story goes.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
I like it. Maybe you should add more text into it. Because it's a bit short at the moment. But over than that, it was good and I liked it. So keep writing!
Thanks for the critiques and opinions! I'm intending to put up the next bit as soon as I can...Thanks again!
Hello! Welcome to YWS! Be sure to check out this thread if you haven't yet:
topic813.html
I really enjoyed reading this, and I am very interested in seeing where this will go.
The bolded things are just a stylistic preference, they're absolutely necessary but will make things flow much more easily. As for the separation of paragraphs, you really should try to separate it like so.
One thing would be that I had absolutely no idea what the gender of the speaker was. It would be beneficial to describe them a bit more so that the reader can picture them in their mind.
Also, I honestly really dislike prologues. Often times, they are highly unnecessary. When you continue writing with this, make sure that you really need this prologue. I just feel as though it is a lot of info-dumping within the first few paragraphs that the reader could just learn about later in the story.
Overall, I really liked your story idea, you have a great start.
Let me know if you post any more/if you have any questions.
-Once
I like it! I can't wait to hear more about this character and their plans.
-Titan