Okie Dokie,
This is my first scribble of writing I've posted on YWS. (happy dance!)
It's supposed to be a poem. 
Toodles!
Aj~
Living Life
Release your hold upon the Earth,
Letting go the roots that hold you down.
Open your mind and let it wonder,
Imbuing in the knowledge you find.
Say a farewell to boundaries,
None exist for the free.
Stretch your wings high,
Testing the wind for flight.
Leap into the unknown,
Wielding all your strength.
And soar above the rest,
Swiftly and valiant.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
I don't have much to say about this one. It wasn't bad by any means, but it wasn't, well... amazing.
Your imagery was okay, but you need a few metaphors and similes thrown in there. It'll make the poem feel more like a fantasy. It'll make the poem more of a journey.
Another problem I had was you were on the brink with this poem of coming over as cheesy. It was almost like my art teacher trying to be a motivational speaker. I'd be careful when editing this so you don't make it like you're shoving Velveeta down out throats.
Try not to capitalize every line of the stanza if it isn't necessary. Like the in the first stanza, you have a comma after the first line, so you don't need to capitalize the second.
That's all I have to say.
Good luck!
Nice poem! Demeter summed it up well with 'refreshing'. Here were my thoughts on reading:
Keep going with this!
Very refreshing.
I enjoyed it thoroughly.
Just, next time, don't try to explain yourself as much to the readers.
In fact, don't try to explain yourself at all. What you write is what you write, and you're obviously good at it, do not worry about what other people might think of you.
Heya, welcome to YWS. I'm Eimear and I'm your worst nightmare.
Just kidding, hehe.
Alright, so firstly- your bit at the start isn't necessary. I find it best to see the writer's work and make my mind up about it before I read their own personal comments on it. That way my opinion can't be swayed either way. Although don't think I'm not interested in your writing attempts- I am! I shall send you a friend request after this to emphasise that point.
So onto the poem. I thought it was pretty good. You've got a solid concept which and a great baseline of a poem at the moment. Don't get me wrong, it's fine as it is- but we don't want it to be just 'fine' now, do we? We want it to shine.
1. The title- Is in need of a change. We want to make it interesting for the reader reading this poem so they think about it for a while and then go 'ohh- I get it. That's what they're talking about. I wouldn't have guessed first time.' Therefore 'Open mind' has to be chopped. Well, in my opinion anyway. It's really up to yourself at the end of the day. *Racks brains* How about 'beyond the closed window' or something to that effect. Well, it's a suggestion, anyways.
2.The language/Imagery- Is quite good at the moment. You're problem however is that you seem to grasp hold of a good idea but you simply write it down as it is and move on to the next line. Take the metaphor of 'stretching your wings high' now, I think that could be fiddled with to make it original and quirky. Even saying 'allow your plume to be ruffled by spells of wind' would show more. I think you catch my drift anyways. Keep pushing and pushing in your poetry, and you'll be surprised how far you can stray from reality and yet still remain in touching distance of your reader.
3. The structure- play around with this to see what works. Right now, it's a safe bet with the couplets, but I think to mirror the theme of letting your mind open, you could free it up a little. Try free verse and see where it takes you. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. That's the beauty of the drafting process.
So, all in all, I think this is a good start but there's so much more you can add. And I know you can. Please PM me with any questions or new work.
And I shall be requesting your friendship!
Eimear xx
Hello!
This is a refreshing piece. I mean, it's so hopeful. I can feel the wind on my face.
I like especially this part.
I suggest, however, that you make this a little longer, maybe. I don't know, though – would it just get ruined? You can try, at least.
If this is your first poem – or just first in YWS? – this is really good. I liked it. Keep up!
See you around!
Demeter xx