Published February 6, 2009
“You don’t want to be late on your first day, do you?” Luciano’s mum asked. Luciano turned over.
“Just five more minutes, please…,” he mumbled. His mum shook him.
“Come on; you’ve had enough sleep already. Get up… now,” she demanded.
“Fine… I’m up,’’ he said, while pulling a green hooded jacket, jeans and red sneakers on. “What’s for breakfast then?’’ he yawned.
“Pancakes,’’ she answered.
“Good, because I’m hungry,” he replied, smiling. Luciano walked out of the room and down the steps, followed by his mum. He opened the fridge and took a carton out of the door. Luciano then grabbed a cup from the cupboard and poured himself some orange juice. “My favourite,” he said, smacking his lips. His mum flipped the pancakes in the frying pan a few times, then put them on a plate and gave it to Luciano. He walked into the lounge and sat himself on the sofa, turned the T.V. on and started eating his pancakes.
Luciano finished his pancakes, so he called his mum. Luciano started walking across the room, picked his bag up and aimed for the door. His mum came from the kitchen, opened the door and, followed by Luciano, entered the car. After about twenty minutes, they arrived at the boarding school.
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140,280 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well this is not the sort of thing you run into in a prologue too often. It seems we're starting off on a very sort of normal note with this person just being woken up by their mother to what I assume is potentially something to do with going to school, it is a bit tough to judge precisely but either way this makes for a neat little scene to start us off on here.
Okayy well that is so far progressing just really quite nicely on that thread of this morning sort of routine here. Its certainly a nice little scene and we get to see a decent glimpse into the kind of personality these two characters have and most importantly the sort of relationship they have but its also so far not been nearly as sort of attention grabbing as a prologue should be here, let's see if that's rectified by the time things end.
Ooooh okay well we have the school situation confirmed so that's quite nice there. I think that perhaps does ever so slightly enough that this prologue is saved here. So on the whole then, I think we've got a solid piece here, its not the most exciting but it does make you curious enough to want to read more.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
okay this is a good start but what i need here is that you must show what the characters are feeling of the character when he is going to board school. One way to have a good story is to let the reader sympathize the character. In other words, you must show what he is like even at the beginning by giving some clues in his appearance or behavior.
You must also show some details on the setting so that the reader can imagine on where the character is.
Hi! I like your idea, a boy going to a boarding school, but I find that the writing lacks descriptiveness. I would try describing his actions, instead of just listing them. Make the reader 'see' him doing this. Also, as Pippiedooda pointed out, a lot of it could have been left out. It didn't really add to the story and it was just like 'he did this, he did that.'. Not very interesting.
Very confusing. Did he like call his mom on the phone or did he say something like "Mom! We need to go!" Elaborate on this.
He 'aimed' for the door?
I would edit and revise the whole piece. Good luck!
This was a good start- I like the dialogue at the beginning, its a nice way of jumping into the story and introducing the main character. Luciano is such a cool name aswell!
However I did find that the two paragraphs that follow on from this were written a bit robotically, a list of actions that the reader doesn't neccessarily need to know. I think you could skip quite alot of it- even just writing a few sentences on how he scoffed down his pancakes and gulped his orange juice before running out of the house because he was late.
The last sentence was a nice one to finish on- I definetly want to know about this boarding school