Bensin woke up. He heard his parents talking. He tiptoed on his wood floor so his
parents couldn’t here him. He heard his mom say,“He's going to the Taoist temple whether he
likes it or not”.
“I agree he has to go”. Bensin never wanted to go to the Taoist temple. He was always so fascinated about being Buddhism and wanted to become Buddhist but his parents wouldn’t let him. He sat there and look at his buddhist robe. His friends got it for him for his birthday. It was bright orange and was very long and big on him.Then an idea popped in his head. He would ask his friends to help him. But he had to think about it and needed to come up with a plan. Then he knew what he was going to do. He got up from his bed and went to ask his parents if he could go over. His mom answered and said “Sure, just be home before dark”.
Bensin walked out and walked over to his friend Anjo’s house. He got to his house and walked into Anjo’s house. He said to Anjo “Hey i need you help with something.”
Anjo replied “With what?”
“Can you take me to the Buddhist temple you go to.”
Anjo said “ok but we need to leave tonight be ready to go.”
“Ok I will thank you so much.”
Bensin walked home and it was getting dark. He got home but he couldn’t let his parents see that he was packing up. He packed his robe and cloths. Then he waited for Anjo to come to his house but they had to be very quiet. Then he heard a knock on his window. Anjo was here and ready to go. Bensin handed his bag to Anjo and hopped out of his window. He had to be very quiet so his parents couldn't hear him. Then They started off to the temple and Bensin knew that he finally could learn about Buddhism.
Bensin and Anjo got to the big temple. After walking for a couple hours They were very tired. They slept in this little house by the temple and Bensin was so relieved and ready to learn.He woke up and was ready. When Bensin and Anjo ate breakfast they started heading to the temple. When he saw it and look at it and was amazed. The roof was red and gold and was so big. There were statues everywhere and they were made of gold. Bensin was astonished and amazed. When he walked in it was more beautiful than the outside. When he walked in and was more amazed. There was clay statues everywhere. Bensin walked around for awhile examining everything very closely. Then Anjo introduced Bensin to the Buddhist teacher, Eko. Eko wore a red robe and was meditating. Eko said to Bensin “Welcome to my temple. Here you will learn all about Buddhism”.
They began by sitting and meditating for a couple hours. Eko said “Meditating is a big part of being Buddhist. It relaxes you and calms you. Also to remove suffering”.Next Eko taught Bensin about the belief of afterlife. “The afterlife is also one of the big beliefs in Buddhism. He believed in afterlife and wanted to spread everything that he believed in. Also Reincarnation.”
Bensin was very fascinated in this and wanted to learn more. Anjo said that he was leaving but Bensin wanted to stay longer and learn more about Buddhism. Anjo left and Bensin stayed. Seven months later after Eko teaching Bensin everything that he knew Bensin decided to go home. He wanted to go to his village and spread everything that he learned from Eko. Bensin said to Eko “Thank you so much, you have taught me so many things and I want to spread it around with everyone. Thank you so much Eko.” Bensin started back home to return to his village. He thought about everything that he learned. He thought about The purpose of life which is to end suffering. He thought about human nature which is the human spirit and it moves from a body at rebirth. After a couple hours of walking he saw the village. When he got to his home he came inside and yelled “Mother and Father i’m home!”
They walked over and saw him. His mom started crying and was so glad to see him. She said “I missed you so much, where were you?”
Bensin replied “I went to a Buddhist temple.”
His mom said “you wanted to be Buddhist that bad, we were so scared and worried about you”.
“Mother, Buddhism is a good religion, it has all different beliefs combined and different gods. After being gone for seven months I’m now much more calmer and more understanding.”
“But Bensin” his father said “We were so worried and if you want to be Buddhist you can, we are just so happy you are back.”
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I really like the story and it was really good but the end I felt that it was very rushed, there could have been more of and end story instead of just ending it at "happy you are back" was sorta a rushed ending. I really liked the idea of him running away it put an interesting spin on the way your story played out.
I like that his parents finally excepted him. I wonder if you could check your spelling. I wonder if you could make the conflict visible. I like you were very descriptive. I like that you put a lot of historical elements in the story. I wonder if you tell the reader what your topic is.
I like that he followed his dream
Look over spelling again.
"He heard his parents talking. He tiptoed on his wood floor so his parents couldn’t here him"
Fix capitalization " Then They started off to the temple and Bensin knew that he finally could learn about Buddhism."
I wonder if you could have added more sensory details. We don't learn about what his parents look or sound like. We don't know where Bensin lives.
I wonder if you could have made conflict more relevant. There is also no story structure.
Hi Simon,
I like how you made the plot exiting. I like how they went to a Buddhist temple. I wonder if you could use more show and less tell. I like how you included many facts about Buddhism. I wonder if you could have used a name that would be a bit more Chinese. Your story seemed realistic and fit the theme. I like how the linear plot was clear and the story was enjoyable to read. The overall plot was good and I like the story.
Hey SimonF,
Below are some corrections and suggestions I made that I believe are only about grammar. Hope this review is helpful!
1."He was always so fascinated about being Buddhism"
This should be: "He was always so fascinated about being a Buddhist" or "He was always so fascinated about Buddhism"
2."He sat there and look at his buddhist robe."
Change look to looked: "He sat there and looked at his buddhist robe."
3."When he saw it and look at it and was amazed. The roof was red and gold and was so big."
Maybe change this to: "When he saw it, he gazed at it and was amazed. The roof was red, gold, and so big." Just seems smoother to me.
4."His mom said “you wanted to be Buddhist that bad, we were so scared and worried about you”."
Kinda weird wording, possible change; "His mom said “We didn't know you wanted to be Buddhist that bad, we were so scared and worried about you”."
This was a really great story, and I saw no problems with it except with some grammar and spelling mistakes. I enjoyed reading this, just fix the errors, and it will be perfect. Amazing job!
-sb1
Hello, its me!
Plot: This had a very well thought out plot it had a clear start, conflict and resolution which is necessary for a plot.
Characters: The character names you came up with are awesome. Your characters problem can be relate in the sense that peoples beliefs may differ from what there family what them to be.
Grammar: When you say "fascinated about being Buddhism" it should wither be Buddhist or delete the word being. I saw no other grammar mistakes.
Other: In the first line when you say "Wood floor" there is nothing wrong with it but I think you could say hard wood floor. In my opinion it just sounds better. I didn't see any other awkward sentences after that. Though I suggest double checking in case I missed anything.
Questions: "They started off to the temple and Bensin knew that he finally could learn about Buddhism." Doesn't he already know about Buddhism if not then why does he want to become Buddhist.
Overall this was an extremely well written short story. The theme that I got from your story was that no matter what your religion or beliefs they are yours and religion should not be forced upon anyone or that your family should accept you no matter what you believe. I loved this and I can't wait to read and review more of your work!
Goodbye, Have a nice day!
-EmilyStarks