Published December 26, 2007
You think you know me
Because of all the time you spent with me
But you don't know who i am
You just don't understand.
You try your very best
To see what i really am
But you can't find it
I guess we were not meant to be
Why can't you see me?
For what I really am.
I guess your just careless
While you hang in the darkness.
I am trying to prove to you
what you don't know about me
because for me to give you a chance
It will seem impossible.
I really like you
oh yes I do
But if you can't figure me out
I will always have a seem of doubt.
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Canary word: Present
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139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Hi gg--
A few things will make this better:
1. Capitalize your 'i's and such. Improper grammar, netspeak, etc. will be the first thing to turn people away.
2. Use appropriate punctuation. I noticed that the currently punctuation is pretty much just randomly scattered. Make sure the punctuation goes where there needs to be a break.
3. Add poetric elements: simlilies, metaphors, diction, form, flow...all of these things really need to be present for it to mean something. Plus it will help with the "Show, don't tell" thing I also have to tell you. Telling people is not poetry, showing people and making your readers think is poetry.
4. Avoid filler lines. For example, the first two lines in the last stanza are pretty much pointless.
5. Read more poetry. Decide why it's poetry. Apply that to your own work. Then write.
Good luck and happy editing!
First I'd make your I's capital, and put a full stop after 'be.' I'd suggest reading poetry, and using imagery. Show, don't tell. I'm not sure your theme is great here...the whole 'you don't know me' thing is a little stale, and tends not to work too well for anyone...Maybe try a new theme and try to show the reader what you mean. Hope this helps.
*Coughs and says sadly, "Pitiful."*