Published May 29, 2008
I watched you go like that,
And I couldn’t believe it.
I thought you were strong.
But I guess I was wrong.
You were the one who cheered me up when I was down.
But now I have no one.
You were my everything.
I thought you loved me.
I told you all me secrets.
All my personal things.
But you didn’t care,
You still left me.
I will never forget you.
Especially your smile,
Your hair, and your heart.
Now I got to move on.
But I can’t I love you to much.
My heart won’t move on.
You were the one that made me download love icons.
I will never let you go.
Just give me one more kiss.
Then I will leave.
But I will miss you forever.
I will never say goodbye.
Stay with me forever.
“I will love you forever.
Goodbye my love,
Remember me always.”
The tears ran down my face.
I couldn’t let him see me like this.
I know he would want me to move on,
But it hurts to much.
I will wait until we can be together again.
I can’t wait.
I knew you loved me.
I love you but I will miss you.
I will wait for you even if it takes the rest of my life.
I took my last breath and gave him a kiss.
I said to the doctor,
“ Go ahead take him.
I will be waiting to see him again soon.”
When the doctor took him away I cried.
My mother ran to my side and she said,
“It will be ok. I know he loved you.
He will miss you to.”
“Thanks mom.
But you will never know how much I loved him.”
I walked out of the hospital in tears.
Then I fell to the ground and yelled to the heavens,
“ I’LL MISS YOU!”
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140,613 Literary Works • 673,552 Reviews
There are basically two things wrong here:
1. The poem is completely impersonal. Although you write in first person, the reader is given no window into the poet's soul, no description of how she feels, what she tastes, where she is, or why. There is nothing to engage the emotion beyond the superficial level. I could read something similar on a generic greeting card, and that's really not what poetry is about. Try making it personal. How does love/loss feel to you? What makes your experience unique? Try to convey this to your audience.
2. It's way too long. You repeat the same ideas a lot and the structure is extremely loose. Some punctuation, planning, tightening up of your phrasing etc. would help with this. You want to catch and hold the reader's attention. Your beginning needs strength, the middle needs purpose and flow, and the ending needs punch. Try adding some more spice to your descriptions (see point 1) and make sure you never say the same thing twice unless there's a good reason for it .
Hope that helps
Cheers,
~bubbles
Whoa nice ending! Totally caught me offguard.
Alright, I think everyone else has basically butchered most of the editing I could do... so I'll just say listen to them.
I like the idea you've got behind this poem, there's obviously a real feeling you've felt as you've written it. Your issues are mainly word choice and flow...
I don't want you to tell the reader how you feel in this poem. Show the reader. Use metaphors and vivd imagery to catch the attention.
Please keep working on this! I know it's got potential. Anyone that writes to show what they feel will undoubtedly succeed if they try!
Good luck
this was a very good poem, and the ending was great, dare i say phenomonal?
this poem although good had some error, here they are :
in the third stanza you said " me secrets " it should be my - but you know that
in stanza five you said but i can't love you to much, it should be too
in stanza seven you said "i , just leave out the "
in stanza eight you said but it hurts to much, should be too, wacth your to's and too's
in stanza eight in third line you say head, should it be ahead?
in stanza eleven, use too not to !
i loved this poem it almost made me teary
i really did love it and it was the best poem i have read so far on here
keep writing
---Jon---
OMGOSH, you are exactly like me, you ramble! I try and write poetry, but I just seem to waver off the point, and never reach a conclusion! I'll just tell you what my English teacher told me; "For God's sake, child, PLAN IT!"
And it works, chum! It really does. You've got a good plot here, maybe not exactly a brand spanking new one, but its a good 'un. You just have to work out what message you're trying to send across, and work out how to do that so that you attach the reader to your character and how they're feeling.
Let us wish each other luck with our ramble-eradication.
Hehe.
In the first stanza you had a rhyme scheme of ABCC that didn't carry into the rest and your rhythm wasn't consistent all the way through. It needs a ton of work.
This poem is definitely an improvement on your earlier poems, but it still needs work. All the spelling and grammar errors above are seriously detrimental to the piece itself, and it would be a much more pleasant reading experience if you would fix those, and don't forget to proofread later stuff of yours before posting.
Also, I found the dialogue to be a distracting and kind of stupid way to say things. It's not a good idea in poems. When you're writing poetry, the goal is to express a feeling or a story through your own words, or through a character's feelings, not through dialogue.
On a final note, some of your lines were strange or awkward. I found "You were the one that made me download love icons." to be the best example. I mean, come on. Love icons? It's kind of shallow, and silly.
As I said, however, this is better than your previous works, and you're improving as a poet, so keep writing and you'll get even better!
~Aet
I liked it, although I saw a couple things that might need fixing:
I really liked it, even though it was kind of sad... keep up the good work! did this really happen to you, or something?
This was not very good. It was all telling and no showing and you tend to repeat yourself alot. All of the concepts were cliche and nothing about it catches the attention in any way.
Try asking yourself questions. Poems are to make the reader feel something but usually you need images to convey to them what you are feeling.
What does loving someone look like? When you think about how much you loved them, what do you see? What do they look like and how do you see yourself through them? What did the pain of losing them feel like? What color was it and what did it remind you of? What did you do together - what are the memories that go along with the connection that you are calling, 'love'?
If you can picture it then you can write it. Scrap this and start over.
Hi! Nice to see some more of your work! The first thing I noticed was how much of an improvement this is from the first piece of yours I read. Amazing difference!
Nice strong ending! People might say the caps are unnecessary, but I say that can be your own choice... there's no rule against it.And now... *drum roll* The Critique:
Overall, I liked it. A bit rough in places, but easy to smooth out. It left me feeling sad at the end, which, although sad, is way better then feeling nothing.
Good job!
One question though... Are you and GordanRamsayLuver the same person???
Wow this was amazing. I am serious. It was a great poem. It had great emotion. Just becareful with the commas ok. Some you don't even need.
But overall it was good I liked it.
GordonRamsayLuver