I wish I could fly
If i did i wouldn't cry
I want to fly far away
Sometime in the middle of May.
I just spread my wings
To just hear the birds sing
I just can't stay down here
Because of what I fear.
So one day I want to fly
So I don't have to die
So I won't have to face my fears
of staying down here.
My mother doesn't want me to leave
Because of what I might do
I said to her not to worry
I will be back real soon.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Yay! This is quite a few steps up from your don't-do-drugs advertising jingle.
I thought it was really sweet and heartwarming, like Acoustic up there said. I can relate to you (or whoever's narrating) because I can't count the hours I've spent daydreaming about flight.
However, the rhyme about May is extremely forced, almost painfully so. If you have trouble with flowing rhyme, a rhyming dictionary is a good place to start. Think about it. There are billions of words that rhyme with May.
If you were in elementary school and I was your teacher, I'd beat you over the head for not capitalizing "I" in the second line. However, I'm not your teacher.
You say "just" too much.
Nice lines, but slightly confusing. Why do you want to fly? Are you afraid of death...or your mother? To tie this poem together, give the reader a solid, concrete reason WHY you want to get away.
Very nice. I look forward to reading more.
The first stanza wasn't really so interesting in my oppinion but the rest- WONDERFUL!
i like this.
Mimi
It is a pretty well written poem, but it could be better. The good thing is there were no real grammar errors.
-Jeni
Yes, I argee with Cade...it seemed like a Hallmark Card. And I also felt that it was a little on the "lame" side. That isn't poetry. It's seems like you just made it up. Here's what I mean:
I wish I could fly
If i did i wouldn't cry
I want to fly far away
SOMETIME IN THE MIDDLE OF MAY.
See?
This belongs under "Cliche Lyrics to Tired Pop Songs," not poetry. Next time, instead of stealing from Hallmark cards and Top 40 hits, write something that comes from you--we know you have something unique to say. You just need to, you know, say it.
-Colleen
Wow, Your poem is very...I don't know...heartwarming? But really it looks like it came straight from the heart. It was simple but the message and your feelings is here.