Darkness
Darkness brings death
Darkness only gives you one last breath
Darkness is dark
Then you can hear the dogs bark.
Darkness is black
Once you go in there is no turning back
You can try all you want to go
But it will bring you back like so.
The darkness is cruel
Even though your not the fool
There is no light
To make this day bright.
So there is no point to cry
Even though you are going to die
The power of darkness is strong
It will place you where you belong
Bang! Bang! Someone knocking on your door
Not knowing you were lying on the floor
When she came in you were not in your bed
But she didn't know you were dead.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I agree with what's been said already. You handled the rhyming very well, but, honestly, I think it took from your piece as a whole as you were restricted by it. I'd try this again without the rhyme, and maybe again with different rhyming schemes, just to see what would happen.
I didn't like the repetition of "darkness" in the first line as it grew a touch monotonous, and some of your rhyming was forced her.
I'd shorten the second line of the second stanza to "there is no turning back,' for the sake of the rhythm.
I really enjoyed the third stanza.
The third stanza is very good, and it flowed well, but "your" should be "you're."
The next stanza is also good, but "there is no point to cry" reads a bit awkwardly. Mabe try "It's futile to cry" as that way you wouldn't damage your rhyming scheme.
I'd take the last stanza out and use it in a different poem, as it's good, and so should be salvaged and recycled, but I don't think it was quite right in this particular piece.
Have you ever read Plath? I think you'd like her, and reading poetry will help your own development as a poet.
Good luck with the rewrites, and I hope this helps. Nice to have you with us, andI hope to read you again in the future.
Jas
In-depth review time. Darkness is not the most original subject, but it's doable. Not saying you aren't inspired, just saying that a lot of other people have had your idea.
It wasn't the most original poem ever, but it wasn't the worst. If you want to write rhyming poetry, listen to some Sondheim music. The man's a genius with the english language.
It seems like there are quite a few lines that were just stuck in here for the sake of rhyming. Example:
Then you can hear the dogs bark.[/quote]1. Darkness is dark? Oh, really.... Maybe try a simile, or something here; we already know that darkness is dark, give us something more interesting. Darkness is ink... Darkness is night... even, Darkness is black....
2. Then you can hear the dogs bark. You can't hear the in the light? What does this mean. Maybe it has some inner meaning that I missed, but I think there could be a much more meaningful line here.
1. I think you might mean: You can try all you want, to go....
2. But it will bring you back like so
The "like so" is a bit akward...
I think you can find the rest of the places on your own. What I did like about this was the rhythm, and I think it can be fixed with some work. Hope this is helpful, keep trying!
Hello, dear. Max here. I loved this you didn't force or block anything out you let if off the paper and into the world... what more could a reader ask for? Sorry this crit is so short but I found nothing wrong with it.
Hey! I just wanted to tell you that this is really good. Your rhyming fits in really good and there is nothing really to change. I hope that you continue to write!
BBB
Hey! You must be new to YWS and mabye you're new to the whole poetry writing thing. I dont want to sound snobby but i started writing poetry when i was nine or so and i know how hard it is and still im not the greatest. it doesnt sound like you put alot of effort in this and the words arent very interesting and the words that ryme with each other dont fit with each other and it makes it sound tacky. you're just putting words together that ryme. (yes i know i spelt it wrong!) try free verse and pick a subject that you 're interested in. and yes i did notice that your username was gothgirl01 so try writing something that promotes darkness!
if you must know i am a goth myself and i think you are stereotyping yourself and taking yourself too seriously.
Mimi
Before I get into the critique, welcome to YWS! I know you're new, so perhaps you haven't looked over the rules yet? It's suggested that you critique two things before posting one of your own, so now you need to go critique two things!
Also, why not introduce yourself in the welcome section?
One of the biggest problems is the rhyming (for example, since when do trees bark?) You're forcing the rhyming and it's really ruining the poem, and making reading it boring rather than interesting.
The idea behind it is kind of flat and usual as well; what new thing are you bringing to the table? You're fourteen, and at that age I didn't know how to write good poetry either, so don't take this the wrong way. You're just new with it. Poetry should connect to the reader, speak to them, give them something to feel and think about. I suggest you pull out a collection of poetry, and read some. Google "poetry" even and you can find millions of poems to read. That's the best way to learn what poetry is. Haha, I will at admit that despite how much poetry I read and how much I know about it, I still seem to be a horrible poet. Some people are just better than others, it seems. If you want to read some people who I think are good poets on this site, look for Whence, Amelia, Via, Caligula's Launderette, Incandescence, and Fand. Those are some of the best poets on YWS.
If you have any questions feel free to PM. Or if you need help around the site, you can PM me as well. ^_~ Best of luck.