Young Writers Society

Thanks for the replies again. Incandescence, I like your revision but it just doesn't do it for me. I decided to just dive in and totally redo the poem.

His eyes shine with unspent emotion
as he asks me a question
Eyes that are so vibrantly blue
in his uncertainty

He must wonder if I care what he has to say
Sure I do
Looking into his ocean? blues

Light has never spoken withmy menacing dark friend
But I see the silent exchanges
Something lies between them
Stirring the air I breath

Dark eyes of the other meet mine across the room
His a much duller
More dangerous blue
With his anger they grey
Like the clouds of distorted thought in his head

Now they silently ask if I am angry
Of course I am
Looking into those ?

When sleep comes to take me
Those blues make me stay
One gentle, one rough
Once
I found comfort in both

I like this much more than the original. The question mark is where I know I need some help. I need a blue word. Thanks again for all the help.

It just seems like there should be something else in between:

Vulnerability shones in those baby blues
You must be wondering
if I care what you have to say
Sure I do
looking into those pale baby blues

A different blue assaults me
Cobalt in his anger
Bitter in his uncertainty
His words are tainted with hurt
As he asks if I'm angry
Of course I am
Looking into dark stormy blue

You didn't need to explain to us what the poem's point was. I think most people could figure it out, so take out the very first sentence, please.

Vulnerability shones in those baby blues

You must be wondering/if I care what you have to say

This is about two guys I know. I'd like some constructive critism. Thanks.

Vulnerability shones in those baby blues
You must be wondering
if I care what you have to say
Sure I do
looking into those pale baby blues

A different blue assaults me
Cobalt in his anger
Bitter in his uncertainty
His words are tainted with hurt
As he asks if I'm angry
Of course I am
Looking into dark stormy blues

When sleep comes to take me
those blues make me stay
One gentle one rough
I once found comfort in both

It makes you think...maybe that's what he's getting at? *lol* work that brain, cars and guitars!

Thanks for the comments from both of you. I never really thought of it as provocative, but reading it again, I guess it is.
CarsandGuitars77, sorry to be a bother but how does the poem mess with the readers mind? Interesting opinion; I would just like to know how you got there. And no, I am not a Beyonce fan. She's not even in my preferred genre. I listen to music that you can actually understand, rock alternative, soft punk, stuff like that. Besides, I wrote this (and anything else I have or ever will write) from emotion and experiences, not from songs.

I agree with Sam--it is provactive--I guess, in a small manner.
This poem was irretating to me though. You were basically playing with the reader's mind. I was also dissapointed about how much the song--I mean, poem reminded me of one of those stupid songs that Beyonce squeals (or as she may call it, singing). Beyonce fan by any chance?

Hey, I couldn't find anything...it's really provacative, you know, about all the stuff about the guys with the blue eyes and there so different and stuff...I tried, really! I couldn't find anything that hadn't already been said. But to disagree with Incandescence, I think the word 'blue' was nessecary. Otherwise you can't really call the poem 'Boys of Blue' if the word's not in there!

Thanks for all the comments! I understood what everyone is trying to say but could you be more specific? I really want to change this around. Incandescence specifically, could you explain why its jumbled?


Thanks again

The repetition of Blue created nothing but an annoyance in this poem. It should have been a lot better than it was. The word "assaults" was awkward and "different" was a terrible word to use. Using blue to describe two different things didn't work, either. It just came off as an awkward, jumbled mess of a poem.

i like it. the tone and the idea. though i noticed you used two different ways to describe the second blue and only one way to describe the first. that sorta bothers me. i'm not sure what i'd do with it but i did take note of that reading it.

woah...i had to read it twice to realize where the two references where *slaps self on head* i didn't catch the last line in the frist stanza the first tiem reading it. i like that, though.

A different blue assaults me

One gentle one rough
I once found comfort in both