This is about two guys I know. I'd like some constructive critism. Thanks.
Vulnerability shones in those baby blues
You must be wondering
if I care what you have to say
Sure I do
looking into those pale baby blues
A different blue assaults me
Cobalt in his anger
Bitter in his uncertainty
His words are tainted with hurt
As he asks if I'm angry
Of course I am
Looking into dark stormy blues
When sleep comes to take me
those blues make me stay
One gentle one rough
I once found comfort in both
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Canary word: Present
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Thanks for the replies again. Incandescence, I like your revision but it just doesn't do it for me. I decided to just dive in and totally redo the poem.
His eyes shine with unspent emotion
as he asks me a question
Eyes that are so vibrantly blue
in his uncertainty
He must wonder if I care what he has to say
Sure I do
Looking into his ocean? blues
Light has never spoken withmy menacing dark friend
But I see the silent exchanges
Something lies between them
Stirring the air I breath
Dark eyes of the other meet mine across the room
His a much duller
More dangerous blue
With his anger they grey
Like the clouds of distorted thought in his head
Now they silently ask if I am angry
Of course I am
Looking into those ?
When sleep comes to take me
Those blues make me stay
One gentle, one rough
Once
I found comfort in both
I like this much more than the original. The question mark is where I know I need some help. I need a blue word. Thanks again for all the help.
It just seems like there should be something else in between:
and
...Just seemed like something was missing...
You didn't need to explain to us what the poem's point was. I think most people could figure it out, so take out the very first sentence, please.
"Vulnerability" is too large a word to describe the emotion - it is a polysyllable word that throws the rhythm of the poem off from the beginning. "Shones" isn't the right word, either--perhaps shines or shone. I'd assume shines, so as to keep you poem in the present tense. "Baby blues" is an all-too common juxtaposition. So it doesn't seem like you put much thought into describing the eyes, the focal piece of the poem. Perhaps lapis is the better term for "aby blue," but that's your call.
No. This line doesn't work right here. It starts a new poem after the first line created an off-beat and awkward pattern.
Let me show you what I would have done:
Shades of Blue
Vulnerability shines in lapis eyes
And you must be wondering
If I care what you have to say.
Sure, I do
And why wouldn't I? I've always
Loved your [blue] eyes
Cobalt, once I found solace in his
eyes, but now, all I see are
dark storms-whirling and spinning-and I think,
It's too much. I can already
feel his bitterness rising, warm to the touch.
His words only suggest at the hurt he feels
and he asks if I'm angry.
Of course I am, I say, but I'm also afraid of the lightning
and storms that manifest in his eyes.
When sleep comes for me
shades of blue make me stay
One gentle, one rough
Yet I once found comfort in both.
--This version still needs revising, but I hope it helps you fix this.
Updated once.[/b]
It makes you think...maybe that's what he's getting at? *lol* work that brain, cars and guitars!
Thanks for the comments from both of you. I never really thought of it as provocative, but reading it again, I guess it is.
CarsandGuitars77, sorry to be a bother but how does the poem mess with the readers mind? Interesting opinion; I would just like to know how you got there. And no, I am not a Beyonce fan. She's not even in my preferred genre. I listen to music that you can actually understand, rock alternative, soft punk, stuff like that. Besides, I wrote this (and anything else I have or ever will write) from emotion and experiences, not from songs.
I agree with Sam--it is provactive--I guess, in a small manner.
This poem was irretating to me though. You were basically playing with the reader's mind. I was also dissapointed about how much the song--I mean, poem reminded me of one of those stupid songs that Beyonce squeals (or as she may call it, singing). Beyonce fan by any chance?
Hey, I couldn't find anything...it's really provacative, you know, about all the stuff about the guys with the blue eyes and there so different and stuff...I tried, really! I couldn't find anything that hadn't already been said. But to disagree with Incandescence, I think the word 'blue' was nessecary. Otherwise you can't really call the poem 'Boys of Blue' if the word's not in there!
Thanks for all the comments! I understood what everyone is trying to say but could you be more specific? I really want to change this around. Incandescence specifically, could you explain why its jumbled?
Thanks again
The repetition of Blue created nothing but an annoyance in this poem. It should have been a lot better than it was. The word "assaults" was awkward and "different" was a terrible word to use. Using blue to describe two different things didn't work, either. It just came off as an awkward, jumbled mess of a poem.
i like it. the tone and the idea. though i noticed you used two different ways to describe the second blue and only one way to describe the first. that sorta bothers me. i'm not sure what i'd do with it but i did take note of that reading it.
woah...i had to read it twice to realize where the two references where *slaps self on head* i didn't catch the last line in the frist stanza the first tiem reading it. i like that, though.
i understand why you put this line in, but, i don't like it that mcuh. It inturpts the flow of the poem, i think.
:thumb: good line