I wake up to the sun shining through the cracks of the cave. I yawn and stretch. Looking around the den, its empty, just like it has been for the last two and a half years. When my family disappeared. I went to sleep that night, only waking up to find an empty den, I was only a kit then. I went to the leaders, but they only said that my family had betrayed us, and left me behind because I was the runt of the litter. I refused to believe it, but now each day goes by, it seems to become even clearer that they did abandon me. The clan itself threatened to kick me out because I was the runt. But alas, there was a job for me, Being Akina’s servant. Akina was next in line for leadership. She had to be hunted for, have a transport, everything you can think of, someone did for her. It is a miracle that she can use the bathroom for herself. She wouldn’t last a day on her own. Now I was her slave, because I was too “small” to do anything else. I wasn’t that small from others really. I think the Leaders always hated my family. So now this is what I do, day after day. I shake my head, throwing the thoughts away. Usually the sun isn’t this bright early in the morning... Unless... Oh no. I rush outside of the den, to find the whole camp at work. I slept late… Again! Oh God, Akina is going to kill me!
I rush past everyone, on my way to the leaders den. I stop at the vines, blocking the entrance way. Taking a sharp breath, I enter. I look at a red fox laying elegantly on a rock, her back facing me. All of a sudden she spins around, “Well It’s about time! It could have been the apocalypse and you would have slept through it!” She snaps. “S-sorry.” I say, my tail slides between my legs and I pin my ears against my head, a sign of submission. “Well, don’t just stand there, go catch my breakfast!” I bow my head respectfully and turn to walk out of the den. “Oh, and there is a new fox, who is going to be sharing a den with you.” “Bu—“ “No buts. It’s done.” She cuts me off. Reluctantly I turn and leave the den, I swear if I would have stayed any longer. I would have killed her. It wasn’t fair. That was my family’s den, rightfully inherited by me. Oh well, best not to think about it I guess. I wonder off to the forest, looking for the snob’s breakfast.
After searching forest for what felt like forever, I see a white plump rabbit in the grass. I crouch down, and slowly creep up. Whenever it picks its head up, or turns my way, I freeze. Right as I’m about to pounce on it, another fox does. A Black figure jumps onto it, and picks it up, the rabbit is limp. “Hey! That was mine!” The fox spins around, it is clearly a male, taller than me too. “I caught it. It’s mine. You’ll just have to learn to catch your own.” He says with a bored tone, before brushing past me. “But it wasn’t for me…” I trail off as he is out of earshot. There are no more rabbits around, only field mice. I wander back to camp, a plump mouse in my mouth. I walk up to Akina’s den and take a deep breath, then walk in. I put the mouse down in front of her and bow my head. “What is this? Food for a kit? Surely its not for me.” She says in a very sarcastic tone, knowing it is for her. “It was all I could find. I found a Ra—“ “I don’t care what you found, it’s what you caught that matters! And this, this is unacceptable!” She shrieks. “W-with all due respect, its winter, a-and there’s limited food...”I sputter. “Well you can all starve for all I care!” She screams. Her Mother rushes in, “I heard you scream my child, Is everything alright?” “It’s just this pathetic thing, Mommy. She can’t even catch a rabbit!” She says gesturing to me.
I slink down, my legs trembling. Without thinking, I put my tail between my legs, and my ears against my head. The Queens’ eyes flicker with anger. She puffs out her chest before speaking, “You. Because of this act, you yourself will not eat. For the next three days. Go! Away from the princess!” I scurry away to my den. The vines over my den, block the entrance, so it’s dark, and no one can see me. “Oh this isn’t fair! If only that other fox wouldn’t have been there!” I say in a loud whisper. Is this what my life means? Will I always be a slave? I’m so sick of everything, I miss my sisters, I miss all of my family... I wish they where here…
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
I started off aswell and my stories full of grammatical errors haha. I really enjoyed the story and I was glad it was an animal story i haven't read one in ages. Keep it up I'm invested in the story now.
STOP! REVIEW TIME!
Your grammar and wording are mostly fine, except for some punctuation errors. What I would like to see is third-person narration, because I've seen *way* too much first-person narration lately.
The characters are lacking humanity. You need to make the personages sound believable, otherwise they just come off as too over-the-top and are harder to hate or love, depending on what you want to do with them. Don't make the heroes the most moral and righteous people ever, and don't make the villains pure, unadulterated evil. Or, if you do, at least mask it.
The plot is fine. Straightforward and simple, but fine. If you plan to make this a novel, you're obviously gonna want to expand.
The story world is a little confusing, but I hope you'll explain it later. For example, if foxes are self aware in this world, are the rabbits, too? Because that lil' rabbit acted a lot like an ordinary wild animal.
Score: 6.2/10
Heya, it's your lucky day! Chrissy here for a review.
Okay, that's enough of me being stupid. It'll be for you to decide it it's your lucky day.
Well, one thing I can say is cut down your paragraphs. You need to chop it up a bit. For instance, different people talking should be put in different sentences. No matter what. Look at it like this. A Chapter is a idea, paragraph is a idea, and a sentence is an idea about the idea. Idea's that go with the main idea of the paragraph stay inside it, but when you start talking about something else, you have to start a new one.
How's that?
Well, through out the entire thing I was stuck with the idea that this was a old, grumpy, Fox speaking, and now it turns out that it isn't that old, after all. How old is it, though? As old as your MC? Also you don't describe it very well.
Does she have white ear, or are they black? Is she small? Is her tail a long elegant wave of fur, or is it crooked at the bottom? And the same goes for the other fox, which btw is it female or male? I wasn't really sure. It sounded like a male, but then Akina called it a female.
Well, that's all I could really find, and despite the stuff I did find, I think you did a great job with it. Apparently everyone else thinks the same, cause it's on the front page.
Keep writing!
Thanks for the feedback! I plan to edit this.. ALOT. The character's name is Jewel, she is an arctic fox. She's about 2 1/2 or so. I plan to make it more descriptive. She gives her name and etc. later.~
Hello! Flash here for a review!
Before I begin I'd like to say that, YAY an animal story! There is a serious lack of animal stories on here (especially for someone who writes them, such as myself) so when I saw this I *knew* I had to give it a review.
Okay, let's take a look at the "issues" here. Actually, I'll break it up here...
The first thing I noticed was the long paragraphs. I know, nitpicky on my part, but long paragraphs *can* scare away some readers. Plus, smaller paragraphs are easy on the eye (I hope that makes sense) and are much easier to read and keep up with. That's not really the biggest issue, though.
The biggest issue with this piece is the dialogue. Oh boy. One of the number one rules of writing: ALWAYS make a new paragraph when a different character speaks. Always.
And the third "issue" I'll speak of is that this piece is a bit too "telly" instead of "showy." It's hard to *not* tell the reader everything when the story is in 1st POV, but when you "show" us readers things we will have a much richer experience. I hope that makes sense.
Okay, then there are two other tiny things I want to mention. "You yourself" is very repetitive. Just say "you." Secondly, the dialogue tags need work. For example:
"S-sorry." I say...
Should be:
"S-sorry," I say...
See how there's a comma instead of a period? Always use a comma and a lowercase tag (if it's he said, she said, etc. If it's a name or "I" of course please make sure it's capitalized). However, if it's an exclamatory or interrogative sentence you would need to use "!" or "?" instead of the comma.
Alright! That covers it! Overall it was a nice story with nice descriptions. I can't wait to read more and find out more about our fox protag!
Keep Writing!
~Flash
Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, I just wrote this little rough draft, I literally didn't check for grammar and spelling mistakes.. O.o
It's alright! Everything starts out rough, and we all make mistakes!
Hello! Fruit4you here to write a review! I love it. It has a great amount of detail, and I love the plot and hope to see more. However you use repetition quite often, and it seems a little fast paced in some parts. I feel like that's because a lot of your sentences are short Also I had to read this sentence a few times, "I yawn and stretch. Looking around the den, its empty, just like it has been for the last two and a half years. When my family disappeared." It was a little bit confusing how you worded it. And I agree with the other reviewers. Good job overall and interesting point of view and perspective. I absolutely love it. It is has a good plot so far.
Keep Writing, Fruit4you!
Heya pretzelsing here for a review,
To start off I have to say that I really liked this story, because it was written from a unique perspective and POV-that of a fox and I liked that. Here is my review:
First of all you could split up your paragraphs a little bit more to make them look shorter and better for the eye. My advice would be to just separate them where one idea ends and another idea begins. Also every time a character or animal is talking(quotation) you have to skip and indent a line so everything isn’t so visually squished together. Here is just an example to show you what I mean:
This is how I would put it (and it’s the grammatically proper way):
All of a sudden she spins around,
“Well It’s about time! It could have been the apocalypse and you would have slept through it!” She snaps.
“S-sorry.” I say, my tail slides between my legs and I pin my ears against my head, a sign of submission.
Do you see how better visually this looks like? And then the next quotation you indent and on and on. If you want to be elaborate or you don’t really understand this please feel free to just PM me.
Also, in your style of writing, all of the sentences are short, and I would really like to see you work on varying your sentence length and make some sentences longer, and some shorter. Maybe connect two sentences together or use more words and be more descriptive. I was curious and wondering, where was this setting? (describe it using colorful words)What did this fox look like?(hairy,bury, little, tall???) What about the master of the fox?
Also I usually comment but in my opinion this is not a full chapter, maybe just half a chapter. A full chapter should be much longer. This is kind of a thing that I noticed and it was kind of repetitive:
You were repetitive and used the word kill two times. I understand that you are trying to show their hatred toward eachother but right now you are showing,not telling.Show us how they hated eachother, did they hiss? How did they feel toward eachother?Maybe tell us their honest thoughts?You don’t have to do this in the first chapter but establish this throughout the whole book.
This was your end sentence:
This is just a suggestion/recommendation but it would be great if you ended it with suspense with something like:
After I said all these I looked into bright fox eyes. (which would mean that the other fox was in his den, and the main character fox couldn’t see) Maybe end with an ending like that, with all his madness, and his unfair thoughts said out loud, he realizes that the new fox is sitting there in his den. Just a cool twist that I came up with.
Anyways, I hoped that this review helped you become a better writer and further improve your writing.If you have any question then please let me know. Thanks
Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, I'm still a noob at this.. I just posted a little of it to see if people were interested, and if I should write more~
Hello! Tigerlilly here for a review!
This was a great story! Will it be continued? I would most definitely keep reading it if you did!
However, there were a few grammatical errors, such as this line in the first paragraph:
I wasn’t that small from other really.
I think you were trying to say 'others', which is a fairly honest mistake. You also need to indent your paragraphs. Other than these concerns, it was a great story! Keep writing, I look forward to seeing more of your work!
Thanks! I will be writing more, I am right now. Yeah It's Still kind of a rough draft.. Hehe..
No problem! I make stupid mistakes all the time...