She's hyperactivity,
Strange intensity,
Fisted hands and
Burning eyes.
A contradiction
of passion and logic.
Sees the world as a rainbow
of black, grey and white.
Razor-sharp smiles
and butter-soft words,
Hands made for shaking
up our perfect world.
She's cold, clear morning,
and shadowy night -
Comforting hugs once she
gives you a FRIGHT!
Everyone sees her,
most shrink away.
But he sees a challenge,
a brilliant game...
She's strange intensity,
He's just not quite right.
Our world's gonna fall,
Be debris of their fight.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi SilverLove,
This is like a pianist sitting down, playing the opening two bars of a three-page sonatina, and then getting up and walking away. The audience is left sitting there uncomfortably, wondering why on earth they were brought here to witness so-called "art" that brought nothing to the table and instead just feasted on their expectations.
I don't care - at all - about her razor sharp smiles and butter soft words if they don't lead to anything. I want you to take that last stanza and make that the center of your poem, not this cacophony of pointless description that currently fills the void. Imagery is good, but without any kind of conflict or direction, it becomes a grim bout of self-pleasure.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
I’m loving the depth behind this poem. The world being divided into black, grey and white is without question—true. I often find myself in the grey gazing at either side that both possess equally ‘sharp’ smiles and equally ‘butter-soft words’ oh where, oh where, do we turn?
Like the girl in your poem many find themselves in an epic fight, (either with themselves or others) destroying the world as they go along. This sphere we live in would without a doubt be untarnished if only conflict were non-existent, but that’s downright impossible now isn’t it.
Great poem. Keep writing.
Abyss.
Fantastic! Brilliant! Amazing!
I love these kinds of poems with a mysterious evil with an inner good.
One thing that kinda bugged the flow for me was the captivated letters in the word fright... I understand it's a captivated word but I'd rather you put a ! than captivate it
Otherwise. Very Well Done! - Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Amazing poem! I like it's meaning that the subject may be anarchistic, mysterious, and carry a dark aurora to those who first see her, but she has a lot of love to give to the world. It defines the always present moral of "don't judge a book by it's cover" but with a more modern day darker twist to it. Also telling about the girl who wants to change the world for the better seeing the truth about the dark times we are in. How she seems pessimistic and always angry but is really friendly in reality.
Who is the "he" in the second line? Is it he and the girl that are going to fight? Why? Anyways, fantastic job!What confused me just a little bit though was the last stanza:
Oh wow, this is absolutely beautiful! Usually, many poems I read don't exactly flow very well especially when their rhyming. Although with yours, it's the exact opposite! I really like the concept and the wonderful vocabulary you used. Every line is well-written; it really is a war of contradictions. Bravo!
Wow! You're good.