Despair And Only Despair Ahead

Hey I'm going to review this. My disclaimer is that I'm not usually a novel reviewer, but I do have some points to share that might help!

So, first of all, I don't think that you should have just given us a clip. Especially if you wanted to see if this was something that should continue. Whatever the story is completely about I must admit it's probably interesting, but when I first started reading it I wasn't interested at all. And it's mainly because of that first line you have. It seemed a little too simple and in fact I think that you should have combined it with the sentence next to it.

Like this:

"Phoenix offered to gather more firewood and I was eager to escape the lugubrious atmosphere, so I followed him."

Or

"Phoenix offered to gather more firewood; eager to escape the lugubrious atmosphere, I followed him."

I felt like if it was like this it would be a bit more engaging than just, "Phoenix offered to gather more firewood." With that the reader knows that something is happening and it allows the reader to be more captivated that way. I also think that the next couple of sentences could have been edited a bit.

Like this:

But if I had wished for some positive spirit from Phoenix, I might as well have just turned back; he plodded into the forest with his arms hanging down loosely, his head tilted forward, and his back slumped.

And then this sentence:

As the ripe gold of evening, the sunbeams contrasted beautifully with the shadows.

To this:

"As the ripe gold of the evening, the sunbeams, contrasted beautifully with the shadows."

And then this:

The darkness deepened, the coppice acquired an enigmatic ambiance. Phoenix's solemn physiognomy was transformed into--

To this:

"The darkness deepened and the coopice acquired an enigmatic ambiance; Phoenix's solemn physiognomy was transformed into--"

Now, the transition in the middle where two people were talking, perhaps the reader would understand this if the whole chapter had been posted am I right? Because if that's the case then I'd suggest adding more of the chapter explaining why there is an interruption with two other characters into the narrator's story. Or giving a clip of the novel that does not include something more on a confusing aspect such as that. I just wasn't sure how the two characters played a part in her mind, or in her speaking or in the story at all, so it was hard for me to understand that.

Also though the transition after their interruption was still slightly confusing to me, and I'd suggest that you changed "His Face" to "Hunter's face" I don't really think it would change your story in anyway. And even though I understand what you meant by doing that, (or at least I think I understand) I do see the possibility of much less confusion if you just were specific instead of letting your readers wonder who the "he" is until they piece together it's Hunter. But then again, some people may enjoying doing that, I don't know, but that's a suggestion you could look at.

and my mind was saying that I didn't want him?

I'd suggest making this a sentence on it's own. I think that'll be a good idea to make sure there's no run-on sentences. I don't actually know for sure if that long sentence before was a run-on, because I make some run-ons too that I don't actually know are run-on's, but to be safe, it's good to just chop stuff up sometimes. And since that's a new thought you can go ahead and make it a new sentence if you want.

The []'s:

I am not sure they are needed. Why not just put parentheses? I don't think they're that bad, but I just wanted to put it out there that they might not need to be used. It seems quite strange seeing them in literature as, as far as I know they aren't there a lot in novels and such.

She insisted that she wouldn't be able to sleep, but she needed sleep of all people.

Why did she need sleep? What's really significant/important about her need for sleep? I think adding details anywhere in the story would be great, although I understand we might know why that is if we had read the other parts of the book. It's still good though to include details where they might be useful.

Edit:

"And the tears, I told myself over and over again, wouldn't bring him back."

After reading "a hollow heart" so many times in literature,

If you're going to include a piece of literature, try to include the author and something specific about it. It will help the reader's who haven't heard of the piece before to understand it more/be able to look it up.

And example of how to include something specific would be "my heart really did feel hollow; hollow as [insert quote from prose]." Or something like that, up to you though and that line was pretty good.

About the last line, I think it should be either cut or changed. I don't personally think that the reader would care whether or not she was still fantasizing about Hunter because they've already reached the camp, and left the magical place where the fantasizing occurred. And then also, her fantasies were not about Phoenix they were about Hunter, so that's important to note. If you wanted to still include it (which I'd advise not doing) here's how I'd suggest it:

"My fantasies about Hunter through Phoenix had vanished in minutes."

I hope that helped. I do think it has a great amount of potential and I wished you had added more of the chapter. And I smiled/laughed-in a good way, when you said "(and most likely be never finished.)" I totally understand! I know what it's like to not be sure about finishing something, and if you need my help in anyway let me know.

--Keep writing and dreaming.