Sad poem

Hey (:
I quite liked this as a poem, although it is awfully sad... then again, there's something about sadness that makes it all the more powerful I think...
A few things...

But for mine you see has been broke

There was two days to think

But it just washed down the sink

Well I'm going to tell you somethings that popped into my head as I read this, and I am horrible at poetry so I actually have no idea if I have a right to do this. Most of the things have most likely been said but I'll just state the few things you should work on.

Your heart can be painted with a red stroke I don't actually understand this line. Maybe I am just not really observant. I am not really good at this figuring out what poetry is deal



But for mine you see has been broke This one helps me understand the first and like someone has said before, it is too vague for me. You might be able to add a comma in there to help readers figure out the rhythm of the poetry.



There was two days to think I am not sure if this is part of something that happened like a break up or something were you guys never talked to each other maybe but for the readers it barely makes sense. You could maybe some how find a way to elaborate on this part.



But it just washed down the sink This is a horrible metaphor to use. I kind of feel this was a branch off of 'And it washed down the drain' or something like that, and it does rhyme but it just doesn't seem to fit for me.



I don't know what she is thinking about You may want to work on your tenses because this doesn't match. It might make more sense if you used 'I didn't know what she was thinking about,'.



Just please don't tare my heart out Again, you have to watch the pretense and the grammar. You could have used something like 'I just hoped she would not tear out my heart' or something like that. Remember I am horrible at Poetry.

Silencer wrote:
(Hey there Silencer! Nice to meet you! I'm June and I'll be critiquing your poem here;)



()

Your heart can be painted with a red stroke

But for mine you see has been broke

She said she needs a couple of days to think

I thought about it, stayed up and cried and threw up in the sink

i don't know what she is thinking about

Just please don't tare my heart out

Your heart can be painted with a red stroke

(Is this directed at the readers heart? As in my heart? How about we change this up a little--

"A heart can be painted with a simple stroke"; "A heart can be painted; a simple stroke"

Something like this, you see, you don't actually need to direct this at me; Make it vague to make the reader think about it, or make it clear so that the feeling is completely portrayed.)

But for mine you see has been broke

(This line makes the above line make a little bit more sense! But the only problem I have is, this is too vague. It kind of irks me a bit, and I think it needs to be versed better than this. Drop the "but" it's not necessary, dear. I see you also have a rhyming scheme going on here; 1,1; 2,2; 3,3; so I see that you would like to keep "broke" here. In order to that we'd have to reword this. Throw some drama in there, make your heart fragile, delicate, or something so that you can say;
"My fragile heart has never broke")

She said she needs a couple of days to think

(This line-- although simplistic seems to drag things out a bit. We need to fix this!!

"She says; she needs time to think" Make it simple-- clean cut; I always say the shorter, the sweeter.)

I thought about it, stayed up and cried and threw up in the sink

(No offense, deary, but this is dragged out! "and" is a dragger, and you've used it twice. Poetry gives us the freedom to bend the rules of grammar often.

"I thought; I cried; vomited in the sink")

i don't know what she is thinking about

Because you used capitalization above, you should capitalize "I" here. Deary, we understand that you don't know what she is thinking; so you really don't need to imply this, at least not in this way. How about she is all that you think about? Or you hope you're what she thinks about? )

Just please don't tare my heart out

(The correct spelling of "tare" is "tear"; This is almost completely awkward for a closing line, dear, so I would flex the poetry muscles on this... Why can't you pray that she won't tear your heart out, or at least hope for that? Maybe you might cry your heart out? Be dramatic! Poetry gives you that freedom!)

By Greg E. Foster

(Now Greg, as Princess stated, it's dangerous to post your real name on the 'net. I would suggest coming up with a "pen name"-- like, mine is June; so I prefer for most people-- in real life too to call me June. If you ask me, "Silencer" is a great name to run by, so maybe you could use that instead!)

Hey there Silencer! Welcome to YWS.

First of all, never submit your whole name on this website. It is unsafe to do so. I suggest that you edit it right away so that nobody else shall see it.


I can barely understand what you want us to feel with this poem. Okay.. She left you. We get that. But we need more. Where is this poem leading us? I feel like each line is saying the same thing over and over again.

"She left me. I am sad.
She left me. I am sad.
She left me. I am sad."

Okay, lets bring some originality to this poem. Bring me new words that some people have no idea what they mean. And what did throwing up in the sink having to do with anything? These rhymes are way too forced.

I really liked the last line though. It was a window to how you are actually feeling. Now enlarge that window to fit the whole poem. Let me see your emotions.

Show the reader that you are more intelligent than this poem shows

pm me if you edit it.

*Princess*

she just left me........ i hate my life