I know the style is weird. I'm experimenting with it to see how it sounds and if anyone other then me likes it.
Whispers.
I run through the darkness.
Footsteps.
Thorns tear at my skin.
Laughter.
Fear chokes my breath.
Shadows.
Invisible hands claw at my clothes.
Cold.
I fall to my knees in the darkness, tears staining my dirt streaked cheeks, for no matter how far I run I can never run far enough.
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140,602 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
That's a really cool style, and you did it quite nicely. I like it. I don't have much to say, other than that last line is way too long. You might reword it something like this:
I fall to my knees in the darkness,
tears staining my dirt streaked cheeks,
for no matter how far I run,
I can never run far enough.
Maybe that would disrupt your style, but it's an idea.
Nice job Sar-Sar. I'm so sorry but I must... Give you my whole opinion.
This line is way to long. It could be:It needs more emotion. I know it would be hard but pretty much the only emotion is at the very end. Speaking of the end....
I fall to my knees in the darkness,
tears staining my dirt streaked cheeks,
for no matter how far I run I can never run far enough.
Also the last line ("for no matter how far I run I can never run far enough.") Is a bit awkward. I think it's because you say run to much and try to convey to much feeling in just 13 words.
You say the style is weird; it is, but it's cool also. Great job with that.
Overall this poem is ok. You know that I know that you know that I know that we both like your writing better than your poems, but I think this is one of your better poems if you fix the ending.
Keep writing,
Alzora
Wooow! This doesn't seem like death to me as much as it does insanity... but in the end, they're the same thing, aren't they?
Ah, I've done a couple pieces kind of like this before. If you want, PM me and I'll send you a link to the poems I've done! Maybe we can perfect this style(:... I love the way it conveys the surroundings in *kind of* an onomatopoeia style.
Nitpicks:
*You say "darkness" twice. I'd suggest changing the first time you mention it to something more descriptive. Paint an image in my head a little more elaborate than I have. The quick pace of the poem right now is perfect, it gives the impression of running, but I crave more sustenance from words.
*The last line is too long. You don't have to have a straight pattern throughout the whole poem. The way you have it written, the last line is kind of like the end of this chase, this run from death. So, instead of rambling on one line, make the speaker more choppy when they talk, like they're short of breath from running away. Perhaps you can start a new line wherever you have a comma?
*The lines that aren't italicized could be shorter or longer, depending on how you want the reader to perceive it. This is just my personal opinion and it's probably just me being picky, but I wouldn't make it so personalized, instead making the poem more of a scattered piece, like the last thoughts running through someone's head. Or, you know. You could leave it, because there's nothing really wrong. It's just the way I think. (:
Iiiiight! That's what I have to say about your piece here. Please notify me if you've changed it at all and I'll be happy to review it again! And I'm serious about the whole comparing pieces thing. I love this style.
Love,
Fixed
Wow impressive. I loved how you could convey such emotion in such a short piece, I think the style really worked for you
Nothing I can really comment to improve on either.
this was my favourite part;
Keep up the writing
~ Tinkem