Pretty Little Lucifer

I love this. I wonder- who is telling this to the boy? His conscience? His knowledge? common sense? And, the one telling him this- are they right? I love this. Pure brilliance.

Well, I read 'Broken' and just had to see the one before it. I really liked this one too! It has alot of emotion and I get to see the feelings and thoughts hidden behind the devil mask that the Lucifer boy seems to wear.

And try to hear her voice
Over the sound of your heart breaking.
(Even though you thought you didn’t have one anymore)

This poem is amazing, I really can't say anything other than that because there aren't the words.

Hmm I thought this was a very interesting poem. It explained a lot of things without saying much. Each line interested me more about the two people. The girl, of course, was obviously a goody-goody while the boy was more on the dark side with a very intense edgey-ness that was able to keep me guessing. I wondered a little about the two people and what their relationship was with each other.
Also,I never really understood what the whole ( ) was about. Was that your thoughts? Was it her thoughts? Was it the demon? An angel? It made me think for a while. By the end of the poem, i was thinking "wow, harsh." but I liked the honesty throughout the whole thing.

All in all, it was a very enjoyable, likeable, interesting yet mysterious poem that I would read over any day.

Best wishes,
Nessa

"But you’re too bad for her, boy
Too damaged and tainted, with your battered wings and reckless grin,"

^^my favorite lines. "battered wings and reckless grin," yum. Okay, I'm attracted to this boy you're writing about.

Okay, don't take offense but I read this: "I wrote this about fifteen minutes ago, so it's like, not edited, not proof read, just spell checked. So please do not kill it. It's just a baby" and I saw that you were only 13 and I automatically thought 'Oh no, this is going to be all cliche and tweeny,' I was thinking Vampire Diaries.

I got a pleasant TrueBlood surprise (you probably don't watch that..) It was moody and dark and I liked it!

I think you have room for improvement, but you know that because, like you said, you just wrote it. My advice would be read it aloud, multiple times. That's honestly the best way to improve your writing.

Also...I'm not a fan of the stuff in parenthesis. I think it's all very unimportant information, but I think you also knew that because you put those lines in parenthesis. I think this poem could stand strong on its own without the ().
For example, I was rocking hardcore to the last stanza:

"Boys like you don’t fall in love.
They break hearts and get wasted and die alone.
She makes you think there might be more to life then that,
Maybe a second chance, a shot at redemption."

Then this came:

"(But you’re in far too deep for that, darling)"
And I kinda felt like you threw off my groove.

Then I got it back with:

"You’ve already sold your soul to the devil.
There’s no getting it back." <loooooove that right there, yeah, that's good stuff.

But that's just my opinion. Do what feels right for your writing.

Overall it was a pleasant surprise that could use a good re-write to make it an EPIC surprise.
Let me know if you post it again!

-RL

I read the first stanza of this poem and immediately assumed I was going to hate it. I assumed that it was just going to be a cliche of the teenage girl's issues with and views of guys. Luckily, my curiosity forced me to keep reading, and what I found was that, despite how cliche the overall tone of the poem may have been, the diction and rhetoric manipulated my view so that it was no longer a whiny journal but a rather intricate dance of meaning and understanding. It was written almost like a song, and I read it as such, enjoying the words as though they were guitars and drums. It was very good and while I still don't necessarily agree or like the overall concept, it is still a tribute to great skill with words and that I do like.

You've already gotten a lot input and a lot of good advice, so all I'm going to say is I liked it.

Hey, I thought it would just be easier if I showed you the parts on here
I will admit that as I just re-read this, that it actually seemed to flow pretty nicely. I don't know, maybe my mind was just a little fuzzy that day or I was half asleep. Sorry :$
However, the last stanza still seemed kinda of iffy to me:

Boys like you don’t fall in love. They break hearts and get wasted and die alone. She makes you think there might be more to life then that, Maybe a second chance, a shot at redemption. (But you’re in far too deep for that, darling)You’ve already sold your soul to the devil. There’s no getting it back.

(Even though you thought you didn’t have one anymore)

Too damaged and tainted, with your battered wings and reckless grin,

(You’ll tell the devil she said ‘hello’, of course)

It was interesting and quite haunting. Actually I am reading it again because I love it so much. (Good job, that's a real compliment.)

Basically I'd describe the girl more and the feelings he has for her rather than the fact that he is too awful for her. I'd put the italics at the end of every stanza (that's my nitpick) and keep the haunting tone. Other than that it was wonderful.

I loved that you completely sucked me into it and wouldn't let me go until the very end. I crave these types of poems. I love the italics because it adds to the creepiness. I think this is just about the bad boy/good girl types of loves (completely fictional now but I'm rolling for it) and just about the bad boy. It irritates me that there isn't too much description of the girl. What is she like? How does she affect him?

Great. Now I got inspired again. Thanks. -_-

I love it though and now I must write a short about this because I do love this poem so much. Good job!

Hello there. I already saw this on the featured list like three days ago but didn't read 'cause I don't like the name in the title xD, but I got over that so here I am reviewing.

Nitpicks:

Everything you’re not.

(Even though you thought you didn’t have one anymore)

(You’ll tell the devil she said ‘hello’, of course)

They break hearts and get wasted and die alone.

She makes you think there might be more to life then that,

(But you’re in far too deep for that, darling)
You’ve already sold your soul to the devil.
There’s no getting it back.

I loved this poem, greatly written and very good with the imagination. keep writing!!!!

This was amazing and captivating! this seems so, reat! i cannont find anything wrong with it, and got totaly sucked in to the poem!!!! you have a complex, yet simple writing style that is easy to connect to on a personal basis!!!! I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow and double wow, this poem is incredible! It's not got anything particularly 'clever' or anything, but it just seems to work. For me it flows perfectly and if I were you I wouldn't touch it. I think that the fact you wrote it and left it makes it even better somehow. Beautiful poem, probably one of my favourites on her. Fantastic. More please!!

~Crim

Hola, Nafe here and I'm going to review you poem. Well it's not going to be a critical review seeing as I didn't find anything to criticise. I'll let someone else do that then.
Well I liked this poem. Poetry is so cool if the reader can relate to it or at the very least understand where the poet is coming from. I'm not going to be all nitpicky and critical here, I wasn't looking for any errors, perhaps that's why I haven't found any. The flow could use a little tweak I guess but that's all I really noticed. Urrm, keep up the good work though. I enjoyed reading it.

Sierra.

This was a strange poem. Selling one's soul to the devil is an old concept, but it can be definitely traced to the legend of Faust. Faust is a doctor who sells his soul to the devil in order to be able to cure anything, and, as a result, becomes rich and famous. Your boy has sold his soul to the devil, and apparently, all he gets for it is a broken life and a lonely death. What exactly did he buy with his soul?

While the character is "the only girl you can dream of", the boy himself is said not to be able to fall in love. What does he feel towards this girl, then?

PurifyingFire

O_O
You're just amazing.
I would sit here and press the Like button for an hour if I could.
I love this poem.

I do believe it's better than anything I've ever written.

*Huggles* You're the best. Embrace your Gift of the Arts.

Nixy

I saw this poem in the featured works section and after reading it I saw why it was there. I thought it was well-written( though I don't usually jude poetry) and I especiall liked how you put some of the lines in parentheses. One thing wrong though is that I was watching something on history channel and it said that Lucifer actually means bringer of the light. I myself think it's more of a devilish name and I am actually using the name Lucifer for an evil character in my novel the Guardian's Creed (I'll have it posted it soon). I really enjoyed this poem( even though I've never been a poetry type guy).

I really liked it...scratch that, i loved it! I didn't see that many gramatical errors or anything. Everyone's got that little devil sitting on there shoulder, i could really imagine that when i was reading it. Definitely one of my new favorites

I really enjoyed this poem! There story behind it was very interesting, and I thought you gave the poem a very nice and strong tone. You also had some really good imagery in here that I liked. I also liked how you threw in those little parts in italics, to give the poem another perspective (I'm not sure if this was what you were going for, but as I was reading I felt like that was devil within him talking). However, these parts were kind of confusing at first. Some of them kind of threw off the flow I thought. Unfortunately, I'm not too sure how you can fix that. I would just leave them because I think it adds nicely to the poem. Maybe just remove the brackets so it doesn't look as out of place as least. I also felt like the flow was kind of off in some other places throughout the poem. I was tripping over some of the words. I felt like the story was holding together the poem more than the flow was. Maybe try and rephrase some lines. I didn't notice any grammatical errors.
Overall I really enjoyed this poem! The story and emotion were amazing! Loved it

I thought you had a good story line. A devil, an angel, forbidden love. That's always a good story starter. But I think you could have done a lot more with this piece. It was so awkward at moments and it made it hard for me to follow your story line. I understood where it was going at first but then towards the end you lost me. Maybe it needs to be more drawn out? A little longer? Describe more of the angel character. Overall it was good it just needs a little work .

This is a good poem. The only thing is, the "innocent" usually aren't. And they usually go for the bad ones. I would know from experience. I am damaged, tainted, essentially everything in this poem from the male's perspective, but there is more to life than self-pity, drink, and sex. But, still I am damaged. So good job. It is deep, yet easily understood to our generation as a whole.

This was wonderful. I could totally relate to this, which is what makes poetry good, when someone can relate I mean. But anyway, I don't think I saw any mistakes, but then again I wasn't really looking for them, so I'll leave someone else to nitpick =] Overall a nice piece of work. I was a little iffy on the flow, but thats okay. Nicely done =]

Wow, great poem ^^ I really liked it! I don't know much about poems, so I can't really give you a review (Sorry) but I just wanted to say I thought it was great

Wow. I absolutely LOVE this poem! You did a great job! :O One thing that I would suggest you is to remove the parenthesis, I think that if you wanna emphasize those sentences italics are enough. Other than that, this is really good.

Sierra wrote:She’s too sweet and innocent, all shy smiles and naïve kisses,

Sierra wrote:So you sit there in the darkness,
The taste of alcohol heavy on your tongue,
And try to hear her voice,
(Cause you love it so damn much)
Over the sound of your heart breaking.
(Even though you thought you didn’t have one anymore)

Sierra wrote:Boys like you don’t fall in love.
They break hearts and get wasted and die alone.

Sierra wrote:She makes you think there might be more to life then that,

Liked it! There was a lot of...ooh, what's the word?..haughtiness, or maybe aloofness in there, or maybe even quite a bit of I told you so. Plenty of emotion there, of course! I can see this being put to music and being a successful single hit...just saying. Great job!