Cane

I did not expect the ending... I think I would have liked to see the narrator developed more as a character. The fact that there was a secretary already sort of added the sense that the narrator would have been losing a lot by dying. It would be interesting to see this character built a little bit more. But, as a spur of the moment thing, I like it.

Thanks for your awesome reviews, everyone!!!!

Sierra wrote:I just kind of randomly came up with this, very spur-of-the moment. Enjoy!


The clock chimed two. I closed my eyes, groaning. Why did the moon have to be so bright? It was as if it was trying to burn its way through my curtains and into my head.
There was a knock on my doorThat was random and a little fast, why don't you add a touch of info about this girl before you have the door knock?. I rolled over, burying my head beneath my pillow. Can't someone let a girl get some sleep. Why couldn’t it wait until morning?
“Come in.” my voice was rough from sleep. Or, rather, the lack of it.
“Miss, there’s someone for you in the foyer. A young man.” I swung myself out of bed and pulled on my fluffy robe.
“I’ll be down in a minute.” I said. The secretary nodded briskly and scurried awaydid she close the door? in that annoying-secretary-ish way. I rolled my eyes and pulled a brush through my thick brown hair, ruthlessly yanking out the tangles.
Who would want to see me at two o’clock in the morning, for god’s sake? I wondered as I hurried down the grand marble staircase. Two in the morning! Madness, absolutely madness! I shook my head. But then again, who wasn’t mad these days?
“What the heck are you doing, calling me at two in the morning? Are you crazy?” I said as I entered the foyer.I think a comma would be more appropriate than a period here. I was not known for keep my thoughts to myself. Then I froze in my tracks. The hottest boy I had ever seen stared at me from a leather arm chair in the corner. His dark blond hair was streaked with black, and casually tousled, framing his perfect face in way that was too beautiful to be real. His skin was pale, as if he had never seen the sun, and he half-grinned in a lazy, cute way. But his eyes scared me. They were black, black as night, black as shadows, and edged with a thin band of dark scarletHow close is she to him to know that?. Looking into them sendsent not send cold chills down my spine.
“Hello, KeladryNice, unusual name . I am Death. But you may call me Alexander Cane. You’re time has come.” He pulled an ancient stone knife from his pocket and started toward me.

Woah wtf?!?!?! This is insane, i want more!! Love it!

Hey Sierra!

This was interesting. Before I give you the critique, I wanted to say that though you can definitely tell that this was a spur-of-the-moment piece, it was well written for one.

As the previous two reviewers stated, it lacked emotion. If you ever plan to expand on this story, then you need to add in more depth. I want to know what your character is feeling, what she is seeing. So description would be something to add in as well.

You’re time has come.

Hey! Born here

As Kit said, there wasn't much emotion in this piece. But either way i still liked it. You had a way with words i found, in some sentences. And the ended totally took me by suprise. Very interesting.
Keep Writing!!

That was interesting.
There wasn't much emotion, but you're description was good.
It's really good for a spur-on-the-moment-thing.
Congrats
~Kit