World Peace

by Siennabrooks

Published February 3, 2015

E - Everyone

In Sienna

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The world is great

Big, without ends,

We human

Are here to make friends.

Make friends, help people

The joy you’ll feel,

People with nothing but misery

Don’t let them die for it

If they’re hurt then heal.

Spread all the happiness your own heart has

Always remember white or black it doesn’t matter

Just a little bit of your heart

Can save a thousand lives.

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
Harker
Review
Harker wrote a review Review · Sep 7, 2015

Hey there, Siennabrooks! It's me, Sparkles, here to review your awesome piece. Before we start, remember that I'm adhering to traditional grammar rules when I review your poem, and if any of these decisions are ones of poetic license or style, just say so. I also apologize if I sound too harsh. I want to help you to improve your writing as much as possible, and I may occasionally do that in a way that you dislike. I really never intended this and I'm so, so sorry.

Let's get started, shall we?

I have to say that this poem strikes me as pretty cliche. It has a cliche title--"world peace"--, a cliche message--be good to everyone no matter their background--, and doesn't give the reader any distinct or novel impression. So, in this review, I'm going to cover a few ways you can move away from the cliche aspects of this. But first, if you're interested, here's an edited (for traditional grammar) version of the poem.

Spoiler
The world is great -
big, without ends.
We humans
are here to make friends, and
help people.
There are people with nothing but misery -
Don’t let them die for it.
If they’re hurt,
then heal.
Spread all the happiness your own heart has -
always remember, white or black... it doesn’t matter.
Just a little bit of your heart
can save a thousand lives.


Okay. Let's briefly talk about three ways you can become more original and engaging.

(1) Vocabulary, vocabulary, vocabulary!
Varying your word choice is so important, I said it three times. You need to constantly engage your readers with novel and interesting vocabulary. Make sure that every sentence maintains and keeps your readers attention.

(2) Don't make generalizations!

In this piece, you made a generalization which I found hard to overlook. The generalization was "We humans / are here to make friends." This is both completely underwhelming and mostly untrue. There are many reasons that humans are on this planet, and "to make friends" is most definitely an oversimplification of this. Remember, keep us engaged! Finally,

(3) Think about your message.

Talk to friends and family about your message! Yes, it may be near to your heart, but is it already near to others? Near enough that it becomes a cliche? This is a tired topic, and the way you expressed it was a bit tired, as well.

That being said, this piece has a lot of potential. I think you really need to think about what you're trying to get out of this poem and how you're expressing that. Then come back and write, write, write! I know you can do it.

As we say in my hometown, don't forget to be awesome.
IronSpark

User avatar
evairo
Review
evairo wrote a review Review · Feb 3, 2015

Hi! I really enjoyed reading your poem. I think the concept of world peace is very appealing, although whenever I think in depth about it I can always find errors. However, the message you are trying to convey is very positive so kudos to you.

I did notice a few grammatical errors in your piece. I'm not going to point them all out but the biggest ones I noticed were "We human." I got a little confused at this point but I think you were trying to say "We humans" so I suggest correcting that to avoid confusion within the reader. Another error I saw was "...black it doesn't matter." There should be a comma between black and it.
-eva

User avatar
philip17
Review
philip17 wrote a review Review · Feb 3, 2015

Short and Perfect haha! This should be read at a UN meeting because creative minds especially teenagers should be the new leaders towards world peace! I don't know how old you are but either way this is a great piece of writing! :) The world is great but there are still so many conflicts because us humans always have to fight each other if someone doesn't share the same opinion as we do... which is quite sad... I mean the bible teaches us as well about being kind to others even if they aren't kind to us because eventually they will be! Because being kind is a way to save lives whether it is helping an old lady to cross the street or defending someone from being bullied! Sorry for this long review but it really is a great poem simple yet powerful! (: Keep up the good work!
Greetings Philip (:

PickledChrissy wrote a review Review · Feb 3, 2015

Heya, Chrissy here for a review! :D

Well, let's see what I can find...

The world is great


Need a comma there. Otherwise, there's nothing wrong with that bit!

We human


Same as above. You need a comma. Also that should be Humans.

Don’t let them die for it


Need's a period.

Always remember white or black it doesn't matter


You're right. It doesn't matter, and I hate it when people act like it does. People say that you have to treat them better. But then that would be unfair, to everyone. People with dark skin are still people. They aren't special. Not in the least. I don't look at people and see their race.

Can save a thousand lives.


I think thousand's of lives would flow better.

Okay, well, that's all I could find. You did a beautiful job with this. It's heartfelt, flows pretty good, though in a couple spots it's a tiny bit clunky. Don't worry. Practice makes perfect!

Keep writing!

User avatar
Konijn
Review
Konijn wrote a review Review · Feb 3, 2015

Tigerlilly here for a review!

Wow! This was really beautiful! I've always loved the idea of world peace, how we would all be together without judging and hurting others for who they are. I also hate racism, because nobody can really help who they were born to, and why does it even matter? You should just able to be who you are without being judged, and I love how you get your point across in this poem.

Keep writing! I look forward to seeing more of your work!

thank ya... :)



i enjoy repeating things twice in poetry. but only ever twice. nothing tragic ever happens thrice if i have control of it
— theromanticchemist