Published April 20, 2011
Shake me, break me
Throw me away
I am nothing, but forgotten
Take my heart
Step on it
Squish it
Until it is dry
Drink the blood
And watch my eyes
As they begin to flood
Watch while I die
Extract my soul
And suck out my breath
For I wish nothing now
But death
Erase the pain
Dry the tears
I am no longer here
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,181 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
keep writing!!!!
I know I already replied but it is soo good I can't stop reading it!!!!
Hi Cassie here,
Let me start by saying WOW
The imagery is amazing.
While reading your poem I felt lots of emotion.
I loved the style in which it was written. Also amazing.
I thing you should definitely write more poems in this style!!
Just one thing though that seemed to bother me
Was the very last line. It ruined the flow for me; maybe if you added a bit more punctuation it would make is sound better
But overall I really liked it and I am looking forward to reading some more of your poems!!
--143--
Hello there,
I found this so incredibly dark and depressing which is usually fine with poems if there is balance, but this was just way too gloomy and depressing. I don't know how you can write this. Don't get me wrong it is good, powerful and passionate but it just makes my stomach turn to jelly which is good in a way, but it also means that it has to much dark and no light. Many people would probably stop reading this immediately, but I still think it's good, just way too dark.
From CuteJackRussell
Wow. That is intense. The imagery...wow. Very heartfelt, even if I'm not sure what exactly it means. Well written.
Okay, I will admit that this is a rather depressing poem. Depressing but powerful. It's also very lyrical as shadowknight155 said. I don't know why, but I started hearing it as a melody more than reading it as a poem. The structuring looks fine, actually. Although I think it would look better if you divide the second stanza in to two stanzas. Like this:
It just makes the poem looks more even, that's all. However, if you choose to keep it in one stanza, that's fine too. I reckon that you can make this into a song actually, put a chorus in there or something.
Hi there. Lavvi in to review today.
So. Um. This was rather depressing. I don't know how you can handle writing it, it puts myself in such a dark place. It's hard to comprehend why you'd like writing something like this xD
Anyway, you need to punctuate. It feels rather blank and boring without punctuation. In fact, it really ruins the flow. So. Punctuate!
Yours,
Lavvi
Make it a song. Gets some horns and bass in there. I could dance to this if it was given a good tune!
There's the best review I ever wrote!
;D
--Skis
this is great I love it a lot please write some more like this!!!!