12+ Violence

Chapter 1: Nothing Lasts Forever

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If there's one thing that I've learned throughout my inevitably short life, it's that everything, no matter how strong or sturdy it is, will eventually give in to decay. People, buildings, society, empires, even state of mind. Everything always leads to the same end, no matter what form it takes. Death, disease, corruption, suffering, war, it always ends the same way. My grandfather didn't believe that, and for a short time he made me not believe it aswell, but in the end...that belief went out the window, like I said, it all ends the same, even him.Thats a depressing thought, isn't it? My last few months, or so I thought, had given me alot of time to think about everything. My name is Luke Calligan and I have a very short amount of time left in life.

I have some disease that nobody has ever seen before and the thing about it is, nothing helps. The doctors, as useless as they are, had tried every medicine they can think of. The mages had tried spell after spell, potion after potion. Some of them even made it worse. They say that "everything's going to be fine." They didn't need to lie to me and treat me like a child. I could feel myself slipping away even now. Every day I felt weaker, bit by bit I could feel myself getting sicker, like poison spreading through my body, but the worst thing is, it's so painfully slow. I had been diagnosed with whatever I have nine years ago, even though it had started before that. It's taken years to ware me away, and now I'd started to lose my will to carry on.

I decided to go for a stroll to clear my head, or atleast to try. I got up from my bed. How long had I lay there? Minutes? Hours? I had never been good at keeping time. I slipped on my leather boots that sat next to my bed and rose shakily. I didn't feel well. Often when I feel like this after a while, my body locks up, I collapse in a coughing fit and try not to choke on the blood that I will start to cough up. This, however, wasn't going to dissuade me from taking a walk. I looked at myself in the mirror across from my bed. This, I thought, was the first time I had looked at myself in the mirror in weeks. I realised just how grim I looked, with dark rings under my dark brown eyes. It looked like I didn't know how to smile anymore. My brown hair was starting to grow long but was still short enough to avoid getting a haircut for another few weeks and my brown eyes seemed to lack any kind of excitement or happiness. I sighed and decided that I would take the extra long path through the forest. I liked taking walks, I always had. My grandfather used to take me on walks through the forest to Reathing's Rock, a beautiful waterfall that will take the breath away from anything with a mind to admire it. I always remembered it as being so peaceful, so calm. My grandfather used to sit me down and teach me all the names of the birds whos songs we heard. I had been happy then. So very happy...

I shook my head. I shouldnt dwell on such depressing thoughts. If there is one thing that Grandfather tought me, it was to enjoy the little things in life. I remember what he said word for word. "Learn to love life, lad. No matter how it makes you feel inside, enjoy the little things, focus on what is, not what was or what will be." The thought of him made me smile, I couldn't help it. I missed him, after my parents died he took care me, tought me right from wrong, and now he's gone too.

He left his estate and all his belongings to me. My grandfather was rich, but he prided himself as being one of the people. He wasn't of a noble birth, but earned his fortune as a teacher of the arcane. I had never seen my grandfather do magic, but you didn't need to see him do magic to know he was powerful. He radiated a kind of energy, unique and scary in its own way yet kind and calming. I walked out of my room and down the stairs. The building would have been deathly quiet had it not been for my footsteps echoing throughout the estate. There was never any need to have servants to clean the house as it essentially cleaned itself thanks to my grandfather's enchantments. The only people who really came to the estate anymore was the gardener who would check in to see if I was ok. I cut across the library and opened the heavy door to go in to the main hall. I grabbed my cloak from the hanger next to the door and stepped out in to the sunlight. I was glad that I grabbed my coat as it was colder than I had expected, but still bright and sunny. Then it hit me as I hand't realised what day it was. It was the first day of Spring.

I gulped in the fresh air with a few deep breaths and set off down the dirt road leading the the village of Kasterleigh. It felt good to be outside, even with the gripping chill. I was about a five minute walk away but I already heard the disturbence. People were yelling. Nothing much ever happens in Kasterleigh, so I set in to a steady jog. When I arrived, the village blacksmith, Marcus, along with around seven more villagers, was yelling at a tall, hooded man. "Get out of our village you Talverri dog! There is nothing for you here!" The hooded man stood a little straighter. Marcus was a tall man, and was built for his trade with wide shoulders and large meaty hands, and even though the mans shoulders weren't as wide as the blacksmiths, the hooded man still towered over him.

"I assure you I mean no harm."

He had a slight accent, but it was hard to tell, as if he had multiple accents combined in to one, like a man who had lived many places over the long years. If Marcus hadn't exclaimed that the man was from Talveron, I wouldn't have been able to pick up on it.

"I just need to find someone and I will be on my way." The man continued.

"Who are you looking for?" I said loudly.

Everyone turned to face me. Marcus and the other villagers' eyes widened when they cought sight of me.

"Master Calligan! We hadn't expected to see you here, little master. To what do we owe the pleasure?"

I raised and eyebrow. "I live here, Marcus. As do you, and I expect to be treated no differently."

The blacksmith smiled and gave a short bow. "Of course."

I turned to the hooded man. "Now, who are you looking for?"

The man took off his hood and smiled.

"I'm looking for you, Luke Calligan. My name is Marius Hawke. I was a close friend of your grandfather, may his soul be at rest."

Marius was older than expected, with his jet black hair that was combed back over his head starting to show a few steaks of gray. He had startling blue eyes that glinted with intelligence and something else, something more childish.

Marius smiled. "It has been a while since we first met, Luke. I doubt you would remember. You were, what, four? How old are you now?"

There was a sadness in his voice, the kind that couldn't be faked. I realised that he must be thinking of my grandfather.

"If you were such good friends, then why weren't you at his funeral?"

Marius bowed his head and sighed. "Walk with me." he said, and at that he started to stroll towards the way I had came.

"Master Calligan" The Marcus interrupted "Are you sure you should trust him?"

I looked at the blacksmith. "It's fine Marcus." I said as I followed Marius.

"It has been a while since I last saw your grandfather's estate. It's such a lovely place." I looked at him suspiciously, still not fully sure whether I should trust him.

"Answer my question. Why weren't you at the funeral?" I said, allowing my annoyance to show slightly.

Marius sighed again, more shakily this time. "I was....busy." He stopped and reached in to his cloak and brought out an envelope. "Your grandfather sent this letter to me two weeks before he died. I think you should read it." He paused. "It might answer some of your questions."

I took the letter, not knowing what I would find inside. I turned it over in my hand to inspect the seal. It was sealed with red wax and depicted, in great detail, an owl with outspread wings clutching a scroll. It was definatly my Grandfathers' seal. I opened the envelope and pulled the folded letter out. I took a deep breath to prepare for any emotion that might show itself whilst reading the letter, unfolded it, and began to read.

To my oldest friend, Marius

I sense that my time on this world will come to an end. I know not how, but I can feel it coming. There are so many things that I wish I could talk about, but for now I will discuss the most important.

My grandson, Luke, has a strong connection to magic, as I do. I can feel that one day he will become very powerful. However, there are problems. One of which is his illness, the other is that I will not be there to teach him and guide him.

And this, my dear friend, is why I call out to you with dire need. When it is possible, I would like you to retrieve Luke and take him to Keepers' Valley.You are one of the people I trust most in this world, and if anyone can train Luke to the best of his ability, it is you.

Train him, guide him, and be there for him where I cannot.

Take care

Arthur Calligan

My hands were shaking. A mixture of emotions washed through me. Sadness, longing, anger....He knew? He knew and he didn't tell me?

"Why didn't he say anything?" I said shakily. I looked at Marius. "Why didn't he say anyhting?" I repeated.

"I....I'm not sure. Knowing your grandfather, he must have had some reason to not say anything." He looked away. "He probably expected me to arrive earlier. I am truly sorry, Luke. I really am."

I was angry, but it wasn't his fault. I sighed and said "It isn't your fault. If you couldn't come then you couldn't come." There was a long silence, nothing but the birds chirping away. I gestured towards the house and Marius nodded.

"So you've come to take me to Keepers' Valley?" I asked.

"Yes, and I intend to respect Arthurs' wishes. Even though we both may not like it, I will do anyhting in my power to convince you to come."

With a shock, I realised that it was the first time I had heard anyone reference my grandfather by name in a long time.

"There's no need to convince me." I said

Marius looked at me sideways. "Is that so?"

I returned his look. "Did Grandfather ever mention what my illness was to you?"

He nodded slowly. "Yes...yes he did. A very grim subject." We were approaching the estate now. "What are you trying to say?"

I looked straight ahead. "Because of my illness, I don't think that I..." I stopped. My eyes widened as pain grasped my body. I gasped, then collapsed face-first and started coughing up blood. Marius turned and, realising what was happening, rushed to my side. He turned me on to my back and leaned me on to him, so I wasn't lying down flat on my back. My lungs felt like they were on fire, my muscles felt like they were being torn apart and my head felt like it was going to burst. Tears welled up in my eyes. The pain was unbearable. I couldn't breath due to both the coughing and the blood.

"Hold on, boy." Marius said as he placed his hand on my chest as pale blue light emerged from his hand. The coughing eased. The pain worsened for a second, but then began to ease untill I eventually stopped coughing alltogether. There was still a dull pain in my chest, but it wasn't too bad.

He grunted "I didn't actually think that would work..." Marius said. "You alright?"

At first I didn't respond. I spat the remainder of blood on to the grass and wiped my mouth, then rose shakily. Marius rose with me, supporting my weight.

"I'm doing great." Sarcasm put an edge to my voice. "Let's just get inside."

Comments & reviews · 8
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passenger
Review

Hey Aidan!~

Sorry it took so long for me to get here and review your first chapter; school's been taking up a lot of my time lately.

I'll go ahead and be honest with you. I'm actually not much of a fantasy reader or writer. Don't worry, that won't discourage me from following your novel; in fact I'll be happy to give you feedback in the future. I'll just pretend like I'm someone who enjoys reading that kind of thing, and hopefully immersing myself in the magical world of fantasy will change my mind about it. :P

Anyway, I thought your first chapter was fairly engaging, especially towards the end. The Marcus-Marius name similarity kind of made my head spin, but as I don't foresee Marcus being a very big character in your novel. Even if he does end up being important, it's my problem, not yours. (Plus, I got Cassius and Caesar mixed up in Julius Caesar, so I think I have a name problem XD).

I'm not going to scrutinize and pick out every typo you may have had, but I'll suggest that you read through and edit them so your story flows smoother, and your reader isn't constantly distracted my them. You do have a few punctuation errors, as @Maverick pointed out. For example:

"There's no need to convince me." I said


You forgot a period at the end, which I'm sure was a typo, but you also didn't punctuate the dialogue correctly. It should be more along the lines of:

"There's no need to convince me," I said.


Y'know? I know @Maverick went into depth, so I'll spare you the bore of me droning on about it.

Besides the spelling, grammar, and punctuation, I do have a few notes on the nature of your novel thus far. Your first five, six paragraphs or so are LONG. I don't mind long, but it can seem daunting to the reader, and sloppily inconsistent when you switch rapidly to fast-paced action and dialogue. I know, I do the same thing. You want to include enough background information so the reader feels like they know your MC, but I also know that as your reader, it becomes exhausting when you dump information on them all at once. It starts to get boring, and I lose interest. I'll walk you through the beginning.

I like your first sentence. But it's a little rough around the edges.

If there's one thing that I've learned throughout my inevitably short life, it's that everything, no matter how strong or sturdy it is, will eventually give in to decay.


Incorporating "throughout my inevitably short life" seems unnecessary. You're about to explain how you foresee also falling into this state of decay, but you don't need to give it to us all at once. You could sand around the edges a little and do something like this:

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that everything, no matter how strong, eventually disintegrates at the hands of decay.


This would simplify what you're trying to get across, and further intrigue your reader. In the next few paragraphs, you try to explain this theory that your MC has developed. I'll warn you to avoid going off on a tangent here. Keep it short. I've noticed you have a tendency of including a lot of run-on sentences in your writing (I.e. digressing by separating sentence fragments with commas excessively), and this is a common mistake writers make. I do it often myself. I'll give you an example, but again, I won't go through and elaborate on every mistake you've made. Fixing most of your mistakes comes with time and editing.

My grandfather didn't believe that, and for a short time he made me not believe it aswell, but in the end...that belief went out the window, like I said, it all ends the same, even him.


Dude. That's like three sentences in one. It makes my brain go on super-edit throughout the whole story, and instead of engaging in the plot, I'm analyzing your mistakes. Separate some of this into sentences.

My grandfather didn't believe that, and for a short time, he convinced me not to believe it either. In the end, that belief went out the window. Like I said, it all ends the same, even him.


I also omitted the ellipsis for you (the ...). You can keep it, but personally, I would avoid using ellipses. You can even omit the information that you don't feel is absolutely needed. Let the reader learn and develop their own interpretation of your character through indirect characterization throughout the story. If you tell the reader directly about your MC all at once, it can feel forced, and automatically your reader begins to develop a negative opinion. Physical description is okay, but otherwise the narrator seems overly-opinionated. This is fine if it's what you want, but otherwise,

In the third paragraph, when you use the mirror to describe Luke's physical appearance. This is good; look out for repetition. You describe his eyes being brown twice in a matter of a few sentences; unless it's an important characteristic, you can just use "eyes" the second time instead of "brown eyes."

My name is Luke Calligan and I have a very short amount of time left in life.


I'd advise against this. It's as if he's introducing himself to the reader, and even though you're telling the story in first person, it's strange. The reader learns his name later in the chapter, so I would suggest throwing out this line. Plus, you keep mentioning this illness he has, and the short life he has to lead, and it leads me to believe he has a sense of self-pity. Did you want this? I don't know. Just keep it in mind.

You use several descriptive things, like, "I returned his look", "Marius looked at me sideways", and "sarcasm put an edge to my voice". I love this, because I can envision what Luke and Marius are doing as they speak to each other. It makes it more real, and that's what a writer aims to accomplish, making their story tangible to their readers. You do a great job of this!

The plot is interesting so far; it draws me in, and I find myself wondering what kind of training Luke is going to endure in Keepers' Valley (great name, by the way :)). Like @AttackOfTheFlash, I thought the dialogue between your characters was clean and professional. This also draws me in. This, along with your plot and imagery, lead me to enjoy your story and see what the characters are seeing, which is an important feature in a written work.

@Maverick covered this too, but be careful about your tenses; switching between past and present tense is confusing.

Overall, I'd say that this is definitely a novel worth continuing! You have some interesting ideas here. Sorry for the length of this review, but I wanted to keep my advice as honest and explained as possible. If you have any questions on what I've said, than you can shoot me a PM. Notify me on the upcoming chapters. ;)

Yours,
Sav

Spoiler
Can I be your editor? :D

Absolutely! I'd always appreciate your help, however I'm not going to be posting all the chapters on here (probably the first few) but I will PM you anything I finish then you can get back to me. :D

Great! :D I hope my advice was somewhat useful.

User avatar
adrianne222
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I like it though I agree with other reviewers that some of your paragraphs are too long. It was really tiring to read but it was worth it <3

User avatar
adrianne222
Comment

I like it though I agree with other reviewers that some of your paragraphs are too long. It was really tiring to read but it was worth it <3

For me, your chapter 1 could be described in one word: anfractuous. Mainly for the reason that the first few paragraphs of the chapter made me believe that this is an ordinary story about a guy with an incurable disease, but at the mid-section of the chapter, there was a sudden turn in your story that gives us readers a glimpse of a world of magic. Well, I should have looked at the category first where it was clearly specified that this was a fantasy novel. :-D

Anyways, I think that you have a good story in mind here; good start and end for your first chapter, however, there were three things that caught my attention while reading your post.

First, there were some misspelled words like 'tought' which should be spelled as 'taught', for example. This is just a minor setback, I believe, and could be amended quickly.

Second, the paragraphs were written in huge chunks. There's nothing wrong with it; it was actually written well. It's just that people who are not fond of reading might find your book laborious to read. In your 3rd paragraph for instance, you could break it and start a new paragraph with this sentence, "I looked at myself in the mirror across from my bed. This, I thought, was the first time I had looked at myself in the mirror in weeks."

Finally, the conversation is good, but it could have been much better if you just let it flow freely instead of describing every movements they did during the conversation. There's nothing wrong with describing the "feels" of the character, but I think that this is too much. Why, you might ask? Because I think that conversation's should show (not tell) the reader's what our characters feel, but then again, your character's exchange of words were good.

Overall, you wrote a very interesting opening chapter. I'll give you 3.5 out of 5 stars.

Thank you! :)

User avatar
Maverick
Review

Hello :) Maverick here to review, and hopefully this can prove to be useful.

I’d like to start off by saying that you have a nice writing style! It’s clean, it’s descriptive, and I love the imagery it presents. Great job! Now, onto the gritty parts.

→ I noticed a lot of little spelling mistakes (ex. “atleast”, “I hand't”, “cought”, “anyhting “, “steaks” instead of streaks, etc.), so I suggest going over the chapter once again to catch all of them.

→ Please review quotation mark rules! :) To confirm what the other reviewer said, generally, there should not be a period before a closing quotation mark if it continues on to be the speech of a character.

Ex: "Walk with me." he said.
This should read: "Walk with me," he said.

Additionally, when the ‘he said/grunted/etc.’ part begins the speech clause, there should be a comma.

Ex: He grunted "I didn't actually think that would work..."
This should read: He grunted, "I didn't actually think that would work..."

→ Be careful of what tense you use. It seems for the most part, the story is written in past tense, but there are times near the beginning where it’s in present tense:

“My name is Luke Calligan and I have a very short amount of time left in life.”
“Often when I feel like this after a while, my body locks up, I collapse in a coughing fit and try not to choke on the blood that I will start to cough up.”

Generally stick to one or the other, because using them both is a dangerous game to play.

→ This is a very particular suggestion, and I'm not sure if it’d be helpful, but I’ll say it nonetheless. I think you should take the first two paragraphs, tweak them a little, and turn them into a prologue. They are very explanatory and don’t quite match the story-progressing feel of the others. That way, chapter one can start with actual plot instead of launching straight into a description.

→ I love the names you use in the story! They are unique, but not forced, which is always refreshing.

Overall, I would say you have a solid writing style! The pace of the story thus far is great in my opinion, and I am interested in knowing where this is headed. Sorry if this review was not useful in the slightest. I am eager to read more, and would love to offer more reviews should you find this one helpful! ^_^ Keep up the great writing, and have a lovely day!

Don't worry, it was plenty useful! I'll go over an fix my mistakes, thanks for the advice :D

Hello! Flash here for a quick review.

Wow, this was a every intriguing read! I enjoyed it greatly and I'm interested in what happens next. Your style is amazing. It's very... Professional. Are you published or something? Seriously, that style is awesome and sounds like something you'd find in a book store.

I didn't see any grammar mistakes, good job on that! However, I am very nitpicky so there are a couple things that bothered me...
-"ok" should probably be written out as "okay." It looks more professional.
-I don't know if it isn't correct or if it is, but dialogue should end with a comma instead of a period unless it's an exclamatory or interrogative. Then, the tag after it should be lowercased unless it's a proper noun. But, like I said, I don't know really the right way or the wrong way, but every book I've read has dialogue the way I've mentioned.

So that's all from me! Overall it was really awesome and I'm interested in reading more. Keep writing!
~Flash

Thanks a lot man, this will really help! I really do appreciate it :D And no I haven't published anything...yet, I just read alot so I guess that's where it comes from xD

-Aidan



the only theft here is of decency when carina decided to rob me of my pride and put me on a banana
— veeren