Clumbo was twisting in his sleep. He was having the dream of flying again when he reached a mountain. He flew up and up until he reached the top. He stood on the peak and looked into a vial of purple liquid. He reached out to take it, but it burned his
His flipper when he touched it. The ghost of his parents appeared beside him. They spoke to him, but Clumbo could not hear a word they said. No matter how much he tries, he could only make out one sentence “The beach of Obliv…”
*
Clumbo had been preparing for his journey a week now. He had a torch, a first aid box and other useful things to take, now all he needed was a map. He had been all over the big wooden house, looking for maps and weapons to help him. He walked up the creaky wooden stairs to the second floor. He had looked in every room apart from one on this floor, and he was yet to look in the final room because it was always padlocked. But he had checked every day just to see if it was unlocked, but to no avail. He turned his head at the end of the corridor, and was filled with joy to see the big black door, unlocked. He stepped into a smallish round room, and was amazed at what he saw. The room was full of treasure and armour. Clumbo started looking through the treasure, trying to find some sort of weapon when he came across a very odd painting indeed. It was some pale skinned creature with wispy grey hair and dressed in a purple robe. Even more strange was the fact he was on top of a pure gold mountain chucking lightning bolts at a… Dragon? Clumbo kept on rummaging through, until he found what he was looking for, a rolled up piece of paper. He undid the ribbon, to find a massive map of the world. He studied it, the map was old and vague, but Clumbo found the beach of Obliv, but the map was so old a lot of things had changed since the time it was drawn, this meant he could only plan a rough rout to this ‘beach’. But it was a start. He carefully slipped out of the room, as to not alert his Uncle, who had restricted him from this room. He tiptoed downstairs, smiling to himself as he looked again at the map
*
Luke said he was coming with him. Clumbo was glad; he didn’t want to do this alone. His uncle knew nothing of this ‘journey’; Clumbo didn’t want to worry him. But finally the day came when Clumbo and Luke had planned to leave, Clumbo had learned to love the old creaky wooden house, and felt a rush of emotion as he walked out the door. Earlier he had written his Uncle a letter and left it on the kitchen table, and slipped outside the door with Luke. The letter read,
Dear Uncle,
I’m afraid me and Luke have to leave you. We’re going on a journey we believe can get us our mother and father back. We are going into the territory of Fredon for help. Don’t worry, we can handle ourselves, have a good life.
Your Nephew.
Clumbo
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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thanks for the advise, i should of checked through it, when i read it again i couldnt believe how corny it sounded, but anyway i have changed it now and i hope its better
Hey there,
Seems ludicrously far fetched...
This is clearly cliche dialogue. How many times have you heard dialogue like that within the media? I can think of heaps of times.
Thing? What "things' exactly? Be more specific. It seems rather vague.
If he didn't even know where he was going, then why even bother going? Aren't you just asking for trouble? Also, you mentioned that he was reassured that it was his destiny, but really, it isn't assuring to the reader...
I mean, why the hell was he reassured that it was his destiny? Where did his confidence came from? You expect me to believe that it was his destiny without ANYTHING to convince me as so? I don't think so. And also, using destiny in your piece is cliche unless you can handle it in a creative and mature manner. The way that you excecuted "destiny" here is bland and typical, making it a cliche.
Notice how often you start a sentence with "he"? Where is the vitality in your sentences? Where are your descriptions and imagery? You only have the bare skin of it.
Well there's another cliche there. Obviously, if you encounter something of high value in a derelict area by yourself, there is most likely someone lurking nearby...How many times has that been used in media may I ask you?
And how is that relevant with the piece? It seems as though you are jumping from one idea to the next, making the pacing ridiculously fast and confusing.
Overall impressions:
To be honest, I really don't want to go into full detail as to how I felt about the piece, so I'm going to make it brief.
Cut out all the cliches in your fantasy or else throw this into the bin. There is not one thing about this piece that I liked or that I consider to be salvageable. This is rather dull and uninspired, using only cliches in an attempt to keep your piece floating, but it simply just fails. Your uniform sentence structure and lack of imagery and characterization doesn't help with your case either.
The piece is confusing. You jump from one idea to another. Worse, I fail to see the actual relevance in parts of your piece. Explain to us as to what is happening. Plan your words carefully so that your sentences follow through and rivets, allowing for a easy and coherent read...or at least something that makes sense!
I shall leave now, as this should be enough for you to improve your story on.
Andy.
Grammar mistakes-
looking for thing to help him.
looking for things to help him
just something i picked up on.