The train departed Platform 9 at 11:03 PM, piercing the foggy outskirts of Chicago. Only seven passengers boarded, all silent, and all lost in their thoughts. At the last second, a man wearing a long coat dashed on, sliding into the last car just as the doors slammed shut.
He sat alone, scanning the car. Pale. Fidgety. Gripping a leather briefcase like something in it was alive.
Ava Mercer, a former FBI profiler who became a private investigator, was three rows behind him. She wasn't on the train for the same reason -she was a spouse follower - but she became focused when she saw him look over his shoulder…and the metallic gleam of a pistol tucked underneath his coat.
She watched as he pulled out a phone, typed quickly, and hit send.
Two minutes later, her phone buzzed.
FBI ALERT: Be on the lookout. Suspect in possession of a dirty bomb. Believed to be on a train #1401, last boarding at Union Station. Do not engage. Authorities are en route.
Ava's stomach turned ice cold. Train #1401. Hertrain.
She looked up. He was gone.
The car was empty.
The conductor's public address system crackled to life: "Ladies and gentlemen, we will be making.
By S. Sai Sri Udtkarsh
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139,873 Literary Works • 672,783 Reviews
Hi! CATS here to leave a review! This time, I would be trying my best
It looks too interesting to ignore, my friend! Let's get right into it.
For a start, the details in this part is very good. It's also very specific, for example, Platform 9 and 11:03. Makes me wonder if this actually happened! I wonder why the man is hurrying about! Reading on.
Woah. A new explosion of questions came alive in me. Do I see some foreshadowing? Why is he pale? WHAT'S IN THE CASE!!?? Maybe they'll be answered in the next bit.
This is getting interesting! Good names, by the way. This man is very suspicious. Be careful, Ava!
The suspense is killing me! I wonder what he typed.
This part is very realistic. Great work. The only thing is that en is suppose to be something else, isn't it? Be careful with your punctuation. It happens to the best of authors
Wow. I think this is my favorite part of all! Again, watch out for the grammar. Hertrain should be corrected. So specific and great! The suspense is building and it's making me so excited.
OVERALL: I think this short mystery-detective-like story is my type! I love it. The only thing I would recommend is to read it over after you're done so that you can make sure that it is to your liking. Thank you for this wonderful bit! Inform me if you are writing a sequel, because the suspense...I can't stand it. Happy Review Month and Happy Writing!!!
Love,
CATS
Happy review month! I'm not great at writing reviews but I will try! :] Into the review!
This is a wonderful short story. You were so descriptive, and it felt like I was really there, you used tons of adjectives and made it so clear what the environment was like. The ending when she looked up and the mysterious man was gone was a great ending to the short story, there were many ways you could end it but the ending you chose was perfect. though I am confused about one part, "The conductor's public address system crackled to life: 'Ladies and gentlemen, we will be making."
It ends without finishing the sentence, it could totally just have been you forgetting to put the rest of the sentence in but either way I would love if you could tell me what happened, I am very curious about this story and would love to know what he said. Anyway, this is an amazing short story, keep up the great work. Mwah mwah
- STARRYY