Young Writers Society

“What do you give,” the large man intoned. Start a new paragraph here.Crimson flames danced along his bronze arms and rivulets of sweat spilled down the lines of his pocked face. He stood before a massive forge that stretched high into the sky; brushing the very stars with its billowing smoke.

The small child grinned, its impish face peeling into a look of delight. “I give the joy of discovery,” he whispered, each word dripping with glee. “The wonder of a child each time he discovers something new.” As the boy spoke he reached into his chest. Small fingers pushed through skin and he pulled a wriggling piece of flesh that glowed with a soft light. I would suggest you find a way to combine these last two sentences. Right now, the flow feels a bit off. As for the chunk of dialogue I sliced through: it sounds like a longer version of what you've already said, therefore making the statement repetitive. I like the second chunk better as it does go into a little more detail, but at the same time I think you should keep the first chunk as it's broad enough to keep a little 'mystery' behind it while still answering the question.

The giant smiled. Reaching down he grasped the flesh and threw it into the forge before him. A rippling hammer appeared in one hand as he pumped a nearby bellow with the other. Pounding away he fused the flesh with the thing inside the forge as the next individual stepped forward.Start new line “What do you bring Rhyfel?”

Sharp teeth flashed into a vicious grin. “I bring violence, and the joy of spilled blood running through ones fingers,” the being said. We already know who's talking so either use no dialogue tag or use his name. His obsidian eyes glowed with malice Malice isn't necessarily the right word here since eyes cant really glow with malice. as he raised a small knife and sliced his arm. The blood that flowed was thick and dark, the sound of a widow’s wail echoed in each drop that fell into a cup.Where did this cup suddenly come from?

The great man nodded in approval, and took the cup of blood, adding it into the forge before him. A great You've already used the word great to describe something. Avoid repetition wolf glided forward next, its yellow eyes glowing in the dim. New line needed“I give the thrill of the hunt, of searching and finding prey,” it whispered, though each word shook the air like a howl, and the terror of being hunted lingered when the voice faded.

The processes continued. Time had no power here, and only the being who embodied its ideals had any knowledge of what it meant. The rest moved outside of its purposes, for them an hour was a year, and a decade was but a minute. Each one who came forward brought a part of who they were, an offering of their very nature. And the great Smith used each of these parts, craftingto craft his greatest creation yet. Never before had they attempted such a thing, never before had they come together as a whole in order to create.

“It’ll be beautiful,” he murmured, pouring a tiny ocean with its ebbs and flows into the forge.

The last person to come forward was different than the rest.If I were you, I would stronger word at the beginning of this sentence to signify the difference of the last person, such as the word 'however' What she had to offer was unique, and special. For she offered life in all its complexities and wonders.replace this period with a comma She offered the spark that would awaken the very thing they all sought to create. As he reached for her offering she stopped him, and wrapped a hand into his oily hair, slowly pulling him close. New line“Before you take my gift,” she whispered into his ear, “Let us spend but a moment to celebrate this creation.”

He didn’t refuse. Maybe he couldn’t. Maybe the power of what was being formed overwhelmed his senses and allowed him to give in. He didn’t even notice when she added something different into the forge as they kissed. A small piece of her heart.