Miriam was just coming back from feeding her scarlet macaw parrot, Riley, in the bird house. Miriam was a tall auburn-haired twenty-nine year old with what Shane called "Out-gorgeous speckles". Shane had something special planned for the two of them, and the baby sitter was going to be there any minute.
"She's here, Mari. Are you ready to go?" Shane called when Miriam got back inside.
“Of course I am. Oh hello, um, Kara. Nice to see you. This is your first time, right? Instructions are taped to the fridge. Some emergency numbers as well, so if you need any thing give us a call, ok? We'll be back in what, two hours? You can manage, right?" Miriam said with a worried expression.
"Yes, I can manage. You know its only my first here, and I've babysat kids younger than little Kathy." Kara looked at Katherine with a warm smile. Katherine was peering up at Kara from behind Miriam's knees.
"Well, yes. But have you ever babysat a bird?"
"Not exactly..."
"Oh, well. Just ring us up, ok?"
Shane pointed to the door. "You worry too much, Mari. She'll be fine. Right, Kara? If she says she can manage, she can. No need to worry. Now lets enjoy our night together. Lets go."
"All right, Shane. But you know me.” Miriam gave Katherine a hug. "Be a good girl, Katty, ok?"
“Yes, Mommy.” Katherine said in a small whisper.
"Thats a good girl. I've got to go now. Bye bye."
"No!"
"Katty. Mommy and Daddy need to go. You get to be here with Kara. You'll have lots of fun." Miriam said sternly.
"I wanna go!" Katherine ran to the door leading to the hall way, closed the door, and stood with her limbs spread out and tried to block them. But Shane just walked up calmly and picked her up and held her firmly, as she was throwing a fit and desperately trying to break free.
"Tonight is Just Katty and Kara Night. So we don't get to be here. Tonight is YOUR night.” Shane said as he walked through the hall into the parents room, holding Katherine and stroking her hair. Katherine yawned and rubbed her eyes.
"I want Spikwey.” Katherine yawned again and relaxed in his arms.
Shane smiled and laid Katherine down in her crib. Then he went and got a toy hedge hog down from a bed-side table next to the bed.
"Here she is. Nighty-night Kitty." He kissed Katherine’s forehead. She yawned one more time and then went to sleep. Seeing this, Shane left the room, dimmed the lights and closed the door half way as he went. When he came back into the main room, nearly tripping on the toddler-gate on his way, Miriam gave her husband a look of gratitude before turning to Kara.
"Well. Now that that adventure is over, we'll be going now. Enjoy yourself. When she wakes up she'll probably throw a fit. But she'll calm down fast enough if you play with her. Check on her from time to time to make sure everything’s all right. Oh, well, see you soon." With that, Miriam and Shane, arms linked, headed for the door. They waved one more time and then opened the door and stepped out into the cool night air.
When they closed the door, Kara was left all alone. Well, mostly. There was still Katherine sound asleep in her crib. So, having nothing better to do, Kara went to check on her.
Katherine looked adorable in her crib, curled up in a ball, cuddling Spikley and sucking on her fingers. Kara sat down on the couple’s big bed. Watching Katherine made Kara sleepy, especially with Katherine’s soft snores, the quiet rustling of leaves in the wind and the sound of a bird crying out in the night.
I wonder who's bird it is. It sounds like its trying to break free or some thing...Hmm... SuddenlyKara sat straight up on the bed. The bird!
Kara ran to the window and threw open the shutters and saw that Riley was madly batting at the unlocked bird house door with its wings. Kara ran out of the room and pushed the front door open, but she was too late. Riley was flying blissfuly out into the night sky.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hey!!! I'm finally here to review this (and yes, I know this wasn't exactly right after church like I said it would be, so sorry about that).
This is really good so far! I think you ended part one at a good place - I definitely want to know what Kara's reaction is going to be. I like Miriam and Shane, and Katherine is really cute. I do think Kara doesn't get to do a lot in this section, and so we don't really feel a connection to here even though she's the main character. Maybe she could be the one to get Spikeway for Katherine or otherwise help her fall asleep?
I wanted to say I really like this line. xD It tells you a lot about what Shane is like, and it's just really funny in general.
Knowing what you've told me about the rest of the story so far, I feel like Miriam wouldn't be this casual about Kara never having babysat a bird before. I think she'd be a bit more concerned here, and quickly give Kara a bunch of last-minute instructions or something (like, don't let him out, only feed him this much, if he's being loud cover the cage). Showing now how she's concerned about him will make what you've told me about the ending a lot more powerful once you get there.
I also thought that the way Katherine threw a fit but then fell asleep really fast after that was a bit convenient, and Shane's advice doesn't quite make sense - if they're going out at night, once Katherine's fallen asleep, she's not likely to wake up again before the parents get home, since it would only be a few hours, and even if she did I would think the parents would want Kara to put her back to bed rather than play with her. That being said, the image of Katherine snuggling down in her bed with Spikway is just *so* cute! I love it.
You do have a few typos here - "I wonder who's bird it is" should be "whose," and then there's no space between "SuddenlyKara." Also, Spikway is spelled "Spikley" the second time, and I'm not sure which one you meant, or if you meant "Spikeway."
And I think that's all I've got for you for this part! Can't wait to see the next, so get writing!
Okay.. I'm not going to say it was really really good, but it was somewhat entertaining and not at all boaring. I also did see a few grammatical errors but i think @MrsxCreepypasta has mentioned most of them.If you refine your language and dialogue a bit.. I think you could really do something good with this:i see the potential of a really good series. I'm looking forward to the next part.. keep writing and stay cool.
Very entertaining
Looking forward to part 2.
Boo! Creeps here with a spooky review
Hmm OK well this needs a bit of work and I know I've said I'm not a grammar nazi to others, but I did see a few mistakes that need attention.
"Miriam was just coming back from feeding her scarlet macaw parrot, Riley, in the bird house."
It's actually "Birdhouse" there is no space needed.
"Miriam was a tall auburn-haired twenty-nine year old with what Shane called "Out-gorgeous speckles."
Change to, "Twenty-nine-year-old"
"Shane had something special planned for the two of them, and the baby sitter was going to be there any minute."
There is no space in "babysitter"
"Some emergency numbers as well, so if you need any thing give us a call, ok? We'll be back in what, two hours? You can manage, right?" Miriam said with a worried expression."
"Anything" no space.
"Now lets enjoy our night together. Lets go."
It should look like this, "Now, Let's enjoy our night together.
"Thats a good girl. I've got to go now. Bye bye."
Change to, "That's a good girl. I Have to go now, bye bye," that sounds better.
"I wonder who's bird it is. It sounds like its trying to break free or some thing...Hmm... SuddenlyKara sat straight up on the bed. The bird!"
No space in "something" you forgot to add a space between "Suddenly" and "Kara"
"Kara ran out of the room and pushed the front door open, but she was too late. Riley was flying blissfuly out into the night sky."
You misspelled "Blissfully"
I probably missed a few more things, but that was what I caught. Mistakes happen so don't feel too bad about it. Your story was kinda sweet and somewhat entertaining, but I think a little more work is needed. I mean no offense, your story is not bad just work on it a little more.
~Stay spooky
Thanks for sharing this flash fiction about a babysitter left to care for a child and a Parrot. The story seems like a brief introduction to one in which the adventure to recapture the bird is the main theme. Even though it isn’t her fault since she never touched the bird cage, still Kara might probably fear getting blamed. But Kara can’t very well leave Katherine alone and go chasing after it. So what is Kara do? Call the Shane and Miriam? It was obviously Miriam who left the cage door open. But people are prone not to recall such things and Miriam might start suspecting that Kara fiddled with the cage.
So the introduction to a larger story is what I see here. Nicely written. Look forward to reading more of your work.
My favorites line:
....Katherine’s soft snores, the quiet rustling of leaves in the wind and the sound of a bird crying out in the night.
Suggestions
Always pass through a spell checker.
blissfuly [blissfully]
SuddenlyKara [Suddenly Kara]
Describing Kara’s appearance would be nice since she seems to be a main character and the reader can’t really see her unless the writer describes her. You know, such things as age, hair color, weigh, height, face, body type, and how she’s dressed. Also some indication of her personality would be good. Is she Shy? Confident? Overconfident? Does e she like her job or does she feel a but inconvenienced? How does she feel toward Mirriam sand Shane? Such things can be hinted at in the way she responds to their instructions.
Please keep in mind that the things introduced in the beginning must somehow have an impact on the rest of the story. For example, why does a writer describe Katherine as a temper tantrum throwing child? If it isn't used later, then the description was unnecessary. So as the story develops further, it must be made relevant. Otherwise it might seem needless.