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140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hello there!
I read your poem, and rather liked it. It was more than just a message, but almost a lesson. Your word choice is excelent, and you actually got it to rhyme. There are few instances where rhyming becomes important, but you imported it in a way that made it interesting to read.
I like how you used "on my left, On my right..." type of description, and the images, to me, were rather vivid. But to those with a less active imagination I think you lacked in visual description. Your writing style isn't unique, but you do it well, and I liked the poem. I didn't get the "From a dream where everything was difficult, yet easy" line. Guess I'm just not smart enough, or not reading well enough.
Overall, this poem would be a solid 7.5 out of ten on the wow factor.
Hello!
Thanks for the review, appreciate it! Oh! and Merry Christmas
Ill try to improve on that, I really should. It definitely is not unique for sure. When I wrote, I had Syria in my mind, childhood is like a dream for us when we grow up and the boy's childhood in here particularly wasn't financially supportive. Many people were and are below the poverty line. Everything before the war was surely "difficult" but "easy"-er when compared to the times at war. I hope you understand, it sure is hard to, its so hidden.
Thank you! I shall try to improve
Happy Holidays!
Hey there, Shnerd, and merry Christmas/Kwanza/Hannukah/New Year!
Anyway, I'm a picky poem person (especially when it rhymes), so prepare for a critical review.
The first two lines are a bit maudlin and sing-songy, making it hard for them to have any real emotional impact. The rhyme scheme seemed to hinder you quite a lot, actually, and I would advise scrapping it entirely if you were to rewrite this poem. The rhythm is off throughout and it just felt like you were struggling for words in places.
So consider changing the rhyme scheme, perhaps? It doesn't have to be free-verse, but perhaps something a little looser than AABB.
Keep writing!
Hello! Merry Christmas to you as well!
Okay, you are right, you get me completely. I'll try to rewrite it on the pointers you gave. Thank you!