Published February 20, 2013
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140,698 Literary Works • 673,658 Reviews
Hello there Shiny! Dogs here with your review. If I may start with, WELCOME TO YWS! I hope that you enjoy your time here, if you ever need any help or advice or anything let me know and I'll be more than happy to comply
. Now on to ze review here. I like the piece you've written, has a nice theme and good imagery. My only complaint really is that some of the lines are a tad bit too long for most poetry and sometimes your meaning that you're trying to get across to the reader is skewed and confusing. Let's dive in now shall we?
"hopes of gripping tommorow, slowly, never allowing me."
I love your first line, way to give us a nice abstract imagery. This line is a little confusing because you don't ever explain to use what you're not being allowed to do. So that's a little confuzzling, be sure to clarify your meaning in your writing.
So, as your writing goes on the lines usually just get a little bit longer and longer and longer, bit by bit. Which is usually ok, but in this style of poem you want to keep the lines a little shorter to help the flow out. The best time it put in new lines is after commas or periods, try saying something like:
"Those hopes and dreams,
nothing but a slow receding century,
those ideals and morals,
questioned to the point of pure animosity,"
Visually it looks better than what you had previously, although it's a minor detail it really makes a huge difference in your poem.
"The glass not filled with blood, and with it, where i belong,"
The last two lines are confusing. I'm not sure how they connect back to your poem, excellent writing and imagery in them, but they seem random and not really linked to your topic. Also, minor detail but "i" should be capitalized to "I" every time. All and all a good piece, I enjoyed reading it. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
thanks, i really like your view. you are so right i think the problem with my poems is that they are too abstract and seem more like a stream of thoughts than a proper story. thanks!
The style of writing is very appealing. I like how your word choice leaves the reader with a sort of vague, mysterious feeling. The piece sets a very interesting tone.
I would suggest, though, that the syllable scheme has a more fixed length. Some lines are a mouthful to say because of the extra words that exceed the usual meter.
Also, I'm not exactly sure where the idea is going. It is a little unclear at some parts. Maybe if it ended a little more definitively, the poem would be stronger.
I really enjoyed it otherwise.
i'm glad you enjoyed it lol.
still you're right i need to work on my structure !
It's a great piece...from my point of view, it's appealing to what I am going through!
its great that you could connect with the poem that way
Hey, Shiny.
Well, this poem's not bad, I'll say it now - it certainly gets better as it goes along. I'm no poet, so there's probably a lot of aspects of this piece that I'm unfamiliar with and haven't noticed, but I'll review what I can. I hope I make sense.
Starting with the first verse, I think this is definitely the weaker of the two. Both the pacing and rhymes are a bit uneven - you use 'me' twice, and I'm not overly fond of that usage anyway. It sounds too much like a last resort rhyme, like you couldn't think of any other words ending in 'Y' so went for all you could think of. Rhyming can so easily sound forced in a poem, so it really is important that you get it spot on, and I don't think 'me' will cut it. Additionally, some of the lines feel overly long, such as:
I think it's the last bit - 'slow receding century' - that really makes it feel like a mouthful. Rephrase that, it'll read a lot better.
Nevertheless, the second verse is pretty strong in my eyes - I enjoyed it. The rhymes and pacing are a lot better, though your punctuation and such is a bit sloppy. You put 'its' where it should be 'it's' ('it has been so long') and take to using lower case 'I's despite using capital ones in the past, so that feels disjointed. But still, fix that, and it'll be fine.
In terms of the actual subject of the poem...I don't know. It hasn't made any kind of impact on me. It kind of feels like words upon words, layering up to make a big cake that looks pretty but tastes of nothing. It feels a bit empty, and I think that one of the most fundamental parts of poetry is that they should make a point. This, as it is, doesn't. It starts okay, seeming to set it up as a person who's lost sight of what they want to do and who they are (at least that's how I interpreted it) but in the second verse it just turns into a stream of words without any real direction. If want to improve any part of the piece, this is what you should work on. The meaning is the very core.
Anyway, that's all. I'm sorry if I was harsh - I should probably mention that I enjoyed reading it a lot, so don't feel too worried. I'm just very picky.
Keep writing!
~Dark
no no you're not harsh at all. i really need criticism on my work
lol. you're right because to be honest i never really spent enough time thinking about the point i wanted to put across.