Killing Me

This made me really sad. At first, the character's writing seems a little forced, like they are trying to be funny or acting like they really couldn't care less. But then, it gets really real, for lack of a better word. The turning point for me, as a reader, was when she states that he burned her journal. I started to understand her pain and by the end it was heartbreaking. She was no longer a cussing teenager cursing the world as I originally thought she was, but something entirely different.
I really enjoyed this section "People need to realize that everything they do and everything they say plants a seed in another person’s head. And when that seed grows, it’s either going to turn into something amazing and bear a whole lot of fruit, or it’s going to eat that person up from the inside out. And it may even end up devouring everyone else, too."
The only thing I would suggest is changing 'everything they do and everything' to 'every thing they do and every thing.'
I like this. Good luck with all your writing.

Hey,

Very nice. This story reminds me sooo much of "http://inkpop.com/projects/12430/cover-me-again/read-project/?chapterid=19290#chapter" which is not bad because if you scroll down to Jasmine Bells on that page, you'll see just how much I love that story.

Anyway, Shepard said that the cursing should have been stepped up but I think it should have been stepped down. I'm no saint when it comes to cursing but in this it just became random and irrelevant. There was no need to put that extra "shit" or "damn".

Another problem I saw was everything this character (still not sure whether it's a girl or a boy, but I'm leaning on guy because you said the bulimic girl said that he was gay and gay refers to boys) said was shallow and complete telling vs. showing. What I got from this piece was "My siblings hate me and I'm an outcast in school and I feel like I'm drowning in my self-pity and blah, blah, blah." Give us more to work on, I mean no one is a complete leper. Everyone's got friends or at least people that they know well and like. You have a cliche topic but I'm hoping you take a different spin on it.

Your grammar was pretty good, just tiny little things that can be fixed if you looked over it again. Overall, good job.

~Jas

Wow... that's probably the only word i can use right now. It was to the point and scattered at the same time. This should be published because i feel allot of people would be thrilled to have someone as unique as you in the writing business. The only thing that confused me was that i didn't quiet understand who she was at the beginning. I mean yes she hid from people and didn't like her family and all that but who was she on the outside? You could have gone deeper with the character rather than showing us what she thought or what she hated. What did she love? What did she miss? What did she dream about? It was a little dark. You must remember a book is always good when there is a light at the end of the tunnel. In this story the tunnel kept going and i never saw a light to look forward to. But really well done.

Can't wait to hear more from you

sara13

This is an interesting approach to a common storyline, and I think your take here is definitely worth continuing with.

One thing that bugged me a little was the abrasiveness of it.

I guess when I read your warning at the top, I was expecting something a little bit courser, a little more raw, and I wouldn't say that this quite met my expectations. You have a voice, certainly, and I think the profanity is definitely used to increase the distinctive quality of your narrator, but I don't think you've gone far enough. It just seems scaled down--like you could have gone so much farther but you stepped back instead.

You haven't showed us much: it reads like a personal essay, with too much vague, "my life really sucks" introspection. Your narrator is telling us all about him. It's a scenario. "What if there was this kid and all these things happened and...." There is no shock here, nothing unexpected to make the reader realize something beyond what you have flat out told us.

My big problem with the format is just that, I think. It's all telling. No showing. We aren't actively engaged in this story because we aren't making any inferences. It's not a story that the reader gets to participate in or feel invested in.

I think you could probably rehab this, because your writing style and overall syntax are excellent. Good work!

Wow. This was good.

I didn't see any grammer errors.

I loved the way you wrote it. At first I thought it was just some kind of story, but then when I got to the end, I realized it was a note. A suicide note, perhaps?

Great job. The way it's written keeps the reader guessing, as to if it's a note of some kind or just rambling in some kids journal. [That's the sort of impression I got from it anyway. At first, i thought it was a journal entry of some kind, but then I realized it was a note.]

Good job!