This is the beginning of a short story I've been working on to kill some time. It would be great to have some feedback on the first chapter as I continue, thanks!
Chapter 1: The Day the Sky Fell
“Goodbye doesn’t have to be forever.” He was only seven at the time, but he could still remember the day clearly. He could still see his mother kneeling down in front of him and holding his hand, with delicate wrinkles forming under her eyes as she forced a smile. He could see the same frantic blur of civilian emigrants shuffling around him as he and his sister prepared to board the shuttle.
“You’ll understand one day,” she’d said before throwing her arms around him and pressing her tear-soaked cheeks onto his face. Everything after that was fragmented. He could remember seeing his sister propped up under his father’s hefty arm, and he could remember squeezing his father’s free hand tightly as they were led away. And then suddenly he was behind the shuttle doors, his mother had disappeared, and then nothing.
Sometimes, if he focused hard enough, he could see the burning shadow descending from the apricot sky, eclipsing the rising sun. Far off over the ocean and behind the faint horizon of skyscrapers, the iron fist of an angered God tore apart the ashen clouds and fell in a tornado of smoke and fire.
That was almost fifteen years ago. Everything had changed on Black Sunday.
Reece Bertrand may have been born on Earth, but Pandeia was where he had grown. He put his coffee down on the patio table in front of him, beside his gray Notepad, and clasped his hands over the messy brown waves of hair on top of his head. He looked over the campus grounds and at the oblivious faces of the students walking all around him. The jumbling of idle chatter, the rhythmic hum of regulated road- and air-traffic, and most of all the distant white colony walls that enclosed the city on all sides – this was the illusion of peace, order, safety.
Reece turned his attention back to his Notepad, drawn again to the video playing on the screen. He wanted so badly to just fold the device shut and forget about everything, but he knew that wouldn’t be fair. If everyone had just given up on him and his sister that day that the sky fell, who knows where they’d be at this moment, if they’d be alive at all. He reached over the keyboard and turned up the volume.
“I’m standing here just outside the city of Shanghai, where the conflict has escalated after the Titans advanced their forces into the heart of the city,” came the voice of a female reporter as she spoke into the microphone of her headset. Behind her, pillars of smoke rose into the overcast sky as two men hurdled over fallen debris. “Tensions erupted after the Chinese government recently announced their intention to install new mobile armors in several European nations of the Earth Alliance.”
“Hey, we’re back,” came Onenna’s voice. She took the seat across the table with a smile and set down the plastic cup of tea she was carrying. Davis was with her, and he pressed his palms down on Reece’s shoulders as he stood behind him, peering over his head and at the computer screen.
“What’s happening?” he asked.
“They’re pushing into Shanghai.”
The reporter’s voice could still be heard as the video cut to footage from the morning after the attack. Between the silver towers of the ravaged city, the silhouette of an enormous, blocky, humanoid machine trudged through the streets before taking off into the sky in a swirling ribbon of blue flames.
“That’s bold.” Davis said heavily, moving around to stand behind Onenna. Her fingers met his as he gently brushed her straight-ironed hair over her shoulder.
“They were intercepting a military base before they could transport new weapons over to the UK,” Reece explained, sipping on his coffee. “The fighting must’ve ended up over the city.”
“Awful.” Onenna said, dejectedly.
“And careless.” Reece added with furrowed eyebrows. He folded his Notepad shut.
“They wouldn’t come here, right?”
“Who knows.”
“Of course not!” Davis exclaimed, reassuringly. “Not in a neutral colony.”
“People will do whatever they have to to get what they want.” Reece sighed, folding his arms.
“Well they’re not people, right?”
Reece looked up at Davis, upset. “Come on, that’s not fair.”
“What?” Davis said, grinning and scratching the back of his head. “I was defending them!”
The two of them had been friends ever since their first year at the Academy. They'd bonded a lot while they were on the junior swim team, and they continued to develop their friendship in their second and third year. By now they were close enough that Reece could tolerate most of Davis’ controversial quips. He was a well-meaning guy, but he’d let his mouth get him in trouble too often.
“How’s the job hunt going?” Onenna decided to change the subject. She and Davis had only begun seeing each other recently, but Reece had easily grown fond of her.
“Oh, I have an interview today.”
“That’s such good news!”
“It’s for an internship.”
“Let me guess,” Davis said, pointing his index finger at Reece’s forehead and squinting as if he were deciphering his thoughts. “Kerykon Systems.”
“Really!” Onenna clapped her hands together.
“Yeah.”
“Obviously,” Davis smirked. “I mean where else would an undergraduate in Mechatronics find an internship in Pandeia, right?”
“I guess.” Reece laughed, pulling out a thin glass prism from his pocket. He tilted it slightly to avoid the glare of the bright day-lights of the city, taking note of the time displayed on its rectangular surface. “Actually, I should probably head over there now.”
“Have fun.” Davis said, taking a seat. Reece got up to leave, sliding his Notepad into the pocket of his leather messenger bag and slinging it over his right shoulder.
“Good luck!” Onenna waved as he headed off. “But I know you won’t need it.”
“Drinks on you after your first paycheck!”
Reece had his vehicle stationed in the parking lot just behind the west wing of the Academy. It was a rusted old hunk of scarlet metal with no wheels and a mismatched pale-blue door on the driver’s side. Money was usually an issue in his family, but he couldn’t recall ever complaining about it. He had stumbled upon the car as it was rotting away in the junkyard at the far end of the colony. He’d often drop by there to see what people had left behind, or what interesting debris had been salvaged from outside the colony, before they were recycled.
Reece tossed his empty coffee cup into a nearby recycling pod before pulling out his device again. He tapped an icon twice and the blue door of his car unlocked itself with a click. The door was hinged onto the roof of the car so that it swung upward when it opened, almost as if it were welcoming him back with open arms.
The car resembled a vehicle from one of Reece’s father’s old magazines, a Camaro IROC-Z. When he’d found it, it had a damaged ignition coil, no seats, a missing door, and unresponsive thrusters. He was only fourteen at the time, and he’d managed to clean it up and rebuild it himself.
He pushed the keys into the switch mechanism, twisted them halfway, and the vehicle started with a jolt. He could feel the thrusters located at the base of the car begin to accelerate, causing the vehicle to shudder as it propelled itself off the ground.
The Kerykon facility wasn’t very far from the Academy; it was just at the border of the commercial and industrial districts of the colony in the downtown core. It had been about twenty minutes by the time Reece arrived at the gate of the spacious complex.
He identified himself to the security personnel through the intercom engraved in the stone walls, and followed the road through the gate, into the parking lot. The building was four stories tall, with each level separated by a protruding construct that looked almost like a shelf. Its alabaster exterior formed a striped pattern with the contrasting darkness of its tinted windows.
Reece fixed the cuffs of his baby blue dress shirt as he made his way to the entrance. He wasn’t afraid of an interview; he knew he had it in him. But this was really the first important opportunity he’d ever had in his life up until now. The lobby doors slid open and welcomed him inside.
“His office is located on the fourth level,” the receptionist at the front desk had told him. “Room 4105.”
The numerals were of a sans-serif font, made of brass, and hung sturdily against the plain black surface of the office door. There was a name on a metal plaque hanging just above the door number: Dr. Lester Jennings - Head of Research.
Reece pressed a button on the panel above the door handle, prompting the voice of a man to greet him from inside: “Come in, come in.” The latch unlocked with a buzz.
The tall, oval-faced Dr. Jennings greeted him with a firm handshake after opening the door. Black, rectangular eyeglasses framed his slate-gray eyes, sitting below his creased forehead. His smooth brown hair was fading at its roots, combed back and falling over his ears.
Inside the office, there was a mahogany bookcase stacked with scientific texts along the wall closest to the door. On the opposite side sat a wide table, weighed down by a hefty computer with two monitors. One of the office walls was made entirely of glass, a giant window overlooking the complex. Reece looked outside and could see the roofs of four structures that seemed to be submerged in the concrete in the distance. He recognized them as underground warehouses, wondering for a moment what kind of novel technologies Kerykon Systems might be developing down there, but quickly turned his attention back to Dr. Jennings.
“I’m glad that you’re here, Reece.” he said, seating himself in his leather chair. “Please, make yourself comfortable.”
“Thank you,” Reece replied as he sat. “It’s exciting to be here.”
Jennings took a few minutes to talk about the business – about the research they conduct at this particular branch, and about the technological advances accredited to the company as a whole. It wasn’t really necessary, as most people were aware of their work. Their name was etched in history as, among other things, the facilitator of the colonization of the moon, eighty years in the making. Pandeia wouldn’t be what it is without them.
“I’ve seen your transcripts.” Jennings continued. “Your record is phenomenal.”
“Thank you.”
“What do you plan to do when you obtain your degree?”
It was a simple enough question, but the answer was buried in emotion. The image of his mother disappearing into the crowds flashed in Reece’s head again. And then he saw the flaming behemoth falling from the sky. He could see cities torn apart by the war, and he couldn’t help but clench his fists in his lap as he imagined the sound of innocent civilians shouting in terror amid the crackle of gunfire. “I’m going to be an F-Pilot.”
“Commendable.” Jennings admitted, pleased with Reece’s ambition. “But what if I told you that an era of peace is more possible than it has been in years?”
“What do you mean?” Putting an end to a fifteen-year war was far more than Reece had ever aspired to accomplish in his lifetime.
“Kerykon Systems has recently begun to take...” Jennings swiveled his chair to face the window as he chose the right words, “A new direction.”
“A new direction?”
“My team has undertaken a revolutionary new project.” He explained, stroking his chin as he looked out onto the complex. “And we need exceptional minds like yours working with us.”
Reece folded his arms uneasily as Jennings swiveled his chair back to face him.
“Peace begins here.”
“And who’s funding this project?” Reece asked, apprehensively.
The question went unanswered as the piercing shriek of the building alarm broke out throughout the facility, cutting their conversation short. Jennings exchanged a confused glance with Reece for a second, and then leapt from his leather chair, beckoning him to follow.
“We’re going to have to continue this another time!” he shouted over the alarm, and ushered Reece down the hall, “Third hallway on your left, take the stairwell to the ground floor!”
Jennings pushed him along and then turned and headed down the opposite corridor. Before Reece could call out to him and find out where he was headed, a feminine voice boomed monotonously over the ceiling speakers along with the alarm: “Attention, attention! The fire alarm system has been manually activated! All personnel please head for the nearest stairwell and exit the facility in a calm and orderly manner!”
Reece wasted no time finding the stairwell exit and quickly shuffled into the door, behind a dozen other Kerykon associates. The men and women marched ahead of him, their bemused chatter garbled as they descended the crowded passageway.
The closest person ahead of him was an entire level below. It was a young woman in a black pea coat. Her hair seemed to be tied up and hidden under her grey tweed cap. She didn’t exactly look like an associate. Reece walked fast enough to close the gap between him and the girl, but found that he was still an entire flight of stairs behind by the time they had arrived at the ground floor.
One by one, the personnel filed out the first floor exit. All of them but that girl at the end. She continued down the stairwell to the level below.
“Hey!” Reece called out when he noticed that she’d wandered off. His voice was drowned out by the screeching of the alarm, and the girl darted into a door at the next level.
He chased after her.
He sprung down two flights of stairs to the lower level, and heaved open the basement door. Sure enough, there she was, running down the empty corridor. He didn’t waste his voice shouting after her, but began to jog in her direction.
Just as the girl was about to push through the metal doors at the end of the hall, she looked over her shoulder and saw him trailing behind her. Reece waved, trying to get her to come back, but she looked away and shoved herself through the doors, disappearing into the next hallway.
Reece slowed down his pace and came to a stop, confused. Reluctantly, he gave up on her, and turned to head back towards the stairwell. He only managed to take a single step in the direction of the exit before the walls ahead of him gave way to a thunderous explosion, and everything went black.
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Heya,
) try to set the scene a little better. Include more background details so the reader gets more interested -- although the hook was good.
So yes, I did enjoy this piece but in the coming chapter there are definitely some things you can do to improve your writing. Don't get me wrong, this was very good, but because its good I think you can take some good critiquing.
First of all, this only bugged me a little bit and its perfectly fine if you don't take this into account, but some of your phrases in your descriptions were a little too cliche for such a science fiction piece. Try to think out of the box more when you're adding detail so the words and analogies you use come off as a little more original.
Also, almost piggy-backing on my last critique, because this idea is science fiction this piece is going to require a little more detail and explanation than a realistic fiction piece. You obviously have a really cool idea of this "colony" in your head but be sure to convey that to the reader as clearly as you can and a little more often than you are now. In addition to this, and this being the beginning of a novel (I hope
Well, that's basically it. To summarize, describe more, use more unique words and phrases when describing, and be sure to set the scene and give background. Great job with this and I'm really looking forward to reading chapter 2!
Good Luck,
Scout
Thanks for the review! Yeah, I understand what you mean when you say that some of the descriptions feel a bit cliched. I think I've been focusing more on the plot and the characters, and not as much on the way I convey everything. I'll keep this in mind!
Hey,
It's safe to say that I enjoyed this piece. I think you've built a very interesting world - or worlds? There are few things that concern me about this but there far more positive things as well. That said, I'll continue with this review in a calm and orderly manner.
Writing:
It's quite easy to tell that you're not a new writer. I didn't spot many errors but there were a few comma misplacements but that's not a big deal and I won't go fishing through for them because it would take forever. How many commas are in here?
Your writing was pretty nicely thought out and easy to follow. You had some great descriptive words to capture the image and with this new world, I think you used the right words to describe the mechanical thingies without launching into history channel mode and overbearing the reader with unnecessary details. I could picture this society pretty easily in my head so kudos to you on that.
Additionally, although your writing was pretty great, there were some instances where I wish you had more emotion and more description on things that were going on. I felt you rushed in some areas and slowed down in others.
Introduction:
It was pretty good introduction and you instantly gave the readers the main plot of this story without dragging out anything too far.
I think you could still clarify exactly what Pandeia is, though. With Pandeia's name being very close to Pandora, I couldn't help but picture large blue people in the beginning so maybe you could mention exactly where it is? Unless you did and I just skipped it somewhere, somehow. There were some areas where I wish you would clearly state what was going on instead of being slightly vague about it.
Characters:
I like the way you molded your character right off the bat. Already in the beginning we know exactly what Reece wants, he wants to help his mother and family, or find them at least. We know he keeps track of the news on Earth and he's smart, talented, dedicated and at the same time, socially average. He's also waiting his chance at helping win the war. You give enough of his character foundation to show us what he's like and so far, it's good and I can't wait to read more about him. I like him so far.
As for his friends, they're interesting and fill the friend checkbox but I don't know much about them yet so no comment.
The mystery peacoat woman makes me happy.
Plot:
I've already mentioned that I like what you have and I'm also interested in seeing what this company has in mind when it comes to 'peace'. I don't think it's anything good but who knows. Also, I do wish in the next few chapters you high light some of the important things like who exactly the enemies are. I know you mentioned something about Gods, Black Sunday, Titans, large mechanical droids or something and I hope to know more about what happened and who they are.
Overall:
Lots of positives on your plot and character. The ending was the right touch of 'omg did he explode?' and I'm really looking forward to reading more of this. That said, make sure you shoot me a message if you get the next part up. I'll be looking forward to it.
All the best,
-S
Thanks for the feedback! I'll fix any misplaced commas in future revisions for sure. I know I'm being intentionally vague about the setting and the back-story in some places, but you're right - I'll see if I can be more consistent.
When Reece meets Jennings, I did mention that Kerykon Systems was "etched in history as ... the facilitator of the colonization of the moon, eighty years in the making. Pandeia wouldn%u2019t be what it is without them." Still kind of vague, but I was just trying to push the reader in the right direction about understanding it. If I continue, I'll be sure to make it clear, and I'll definitely let you know!
Hey thats really good. It's got me hooked and I want to read more. Next Chapter please.