The Fighter

by Shilpi03

She was happy in her utopian world

Silently weeping, broken and hurt.

She believed when she heard them say,

That she was a free spirit born to play.

But Little did she know that it’s a world full of lies

People turn their backs and ignore your cries.

she still held her ground and refused to burn,

she fought back hard and began to learn.

And just when she began to believe she was wise,

She had to run for her life from the monster in disguise.

She was left alone, checkmated and sour ,

Her Eros cried and her maenad roared.

She ached to get lost in that deep dark hollow,

On the dead boulevard where no one would follow.

she had had enough of the hurt and disgrace,

her mind numb and heart at low pace.

And then in the midst of this white noise,

She heard a song in her celestial voice.

It called to her and for what it was worth,

She ripped her past and threw it in the hearth.

She rose up and went out in the rain,

let the drops wipe away all her pain.

She knew one thing in her heart,

Its never too late for a new start.

For new songs and new roads ,

new job and new folks.

New love and new dreams

new rivers and new streams.

For all the kids who have been depraved,

For all the love that the outcasts crave.

She found her way through that grime,

And for once she was at the right place at the right time.

Every single day she realized as she climbed new mounts,

Love for those who are loved by none is the love that counts.

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Points: 25891
Reviews: 279

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Mon Feb 06, 2017 6:14 pm

Steggy wrote a review...

Hello, Steggy here for a short review!

First off, I'd like to say welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy it here ^^

I like the kind of theme you have going on here but at the same time, I've read this type of idea in many other poems. How the speaker is talking about a character who wants to make a difference but has to go through many different obstacles before reaching her happy ending. This also follows the theme that anyone can make it through life if they try hard enough.

he heard a song in her celestial voice.

It called to her and for what it was worth,

She ripped her past and threw it in the hearth.

She rose up and went out in the rain,

let the drops wipe away all her pain.

I think throughout the entire poem, this is my favorite stanza. Because it seems to show the improvement that the character is going through, such as hearing the celestial voice calling her to the future. Even though there is a little description, this piece has that sense of sincerity. However, it wouldn't hurt to add some description in parts.

She was happy in her utopian world

Silently weeping, broken and hurt.

I like the beginning, also. Mainly because you set the stage of what is going to happen/foreshadowing a type of 'rebellion' on her life.

Overall, this was a nice poem. If I could suggest one thing, it may be just adding description or maybe even a backstory to the woman in the poem.

If you have any questions, let me know!

Steggy

Points: 35724
Reviews: 1274

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Sun Feb 05, 2017 4:10 am

niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there Shilpi03! Niteowl here to review this poem.

I do like the message behind this. It starts out with the speaker in a place of despair after she realizes the world is a much less happy place than what she was told. But then she finds inspiration and hope from some sort of divine being and then realizes that she can move from her past and find great things in the future. That's a wonderful idea and it could be a powerful story.

That said, I feel like the message could come across better. The rhyming is kind of hit or miss, which I can understand because rhyming is really tough. Done well, it's an effective poetic device, but sometimes it sounds forced and drags a poem down. In this piece, there's places where it works well and places where it doesn't.

She knew one thing in her heart,

Its never too late for a new start.

For new songs and new roads ,

new jobs and new folks.

New loves and new dreams

new rivers and new streams.

This is one place I thought worked well, rhyming-wise. It flowed really nicely when I read it out loud and I could easily see it as the chorus of an inspirational song. I would just keep all the nouns plural for consistency.

She was left alone, checkmated and sour ,

Her Eros cried and her maenad roared.

It called to her and for what it was worth,

She ripped her past and threw it in the hearth.

Here's a couple places where the rhyme scheme struggles. In the first one, "sour" and "roared" don't rhyme, and the references to mythology seemed really random. In the second one, "worth" and "hearth" don't rhyme. Hearth actually rhymes with Garth, while worth rhymes with girth. Gotta love the English language, am I right?

She was happy in her utopian world

Silently weeping, broken and hurt.

The first two lines of the poem represent the challenge of rhyming. Here, the rhyming itself isn't bad, but the lines completely contradict each other. I think some rewording could make the transition from happiness to sadness smoother, like "She had been happy in her utopian world/but now she weeps silently, broken and hurt."

You might want to consider playing around with non rhyming poems. I usually write free verse because I find it easier to pick the most powerful language for what I want to express without the constriction of rhyme.

Overall, I like the idea of this. Keep writing!

Shilpi03 says...

Hey niteowl, thank you for taking out time to go through the poem. Much appreciated. I'll try to edit it and post a better version of the poem. It's the first poem that I ever wrote and I didn't even bother editing.

Thanks.. %uD83D%uDE04

Points: 278
Reviews: 1

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Sat Feb 04, 2017 10:12 pm

Celticdeer says...

I love it! Very profound.

Shilpi03 says...

Thank you!!

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The Fighter

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