z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Running

by ShianneeMariee


Chapter I

Running. We had been running all day. We were tired and desperately needed to take a break and turn back into our human form. They always came for us every time we went hunting. This is no way to live.



My names Athena and I’m the smartest of my generation. My mother, Millicent, was chosen by my father, Raedolph, the day he turned 21 because of her bravery and courage. The day my grandfather died he looked at my father and knew he would become a great alpha, especially with my mother at his side. My dad appointed Faelen as our Generation Leader because he is the oldest and fastest of all the younger wolves. Adriel is honest and strong. Lilith is beautiful but she's got an attitude and as for her sister, Tanith, well that's a work in progress. See Tanith just turned 17 and joined the pack. It's not going to be easy being a newcomer when you're immediately running for your life. 



I grew up with some of the hunters. Aurora and I went to school together for the longest, but ever since her father let her join the huntsmen she thinks she's better than everyone for some reason. It hurts seeing someone you used to be so close to suddenly want your head on a stake. I wish I could tell them so we wouldn't have to run, but that would be grounds for execution. In the midst of my thoughts I lost everyone and I couldn't hear them anymore. I hopped on top of a big broken log and looked around frantically. I wanted to howl but the huntsmen would hear me and come for me. I was terrified. This had never happened to me before. Then I saw Evander, Aurora’s father. "Come here puppy," he chuckled as he stepped closer. I felt a piercing pain and dropped to the ground. The last thing I saw was Lilith. She jumped in front of me and tore Evander limb from limb. 



I woke up two days later to my mom humming and making tea. "Mom" I barely muttered out. She gasped, "Sweetheart please take it easy, don't move; you could rip your stitches." I looked around. We were in our emergency shack hidden in the woods. "What happened? Why are we here?" Just then Faelen came out of the bathroom, running a towel through his dripping wet hair. "I knew you were a tough little wolf," he laughed, "You took an arrow to the stomach by your wonderful friend Aurora," he said sarcastically. Aurora popped into my head, "Oh my gosh Aurora! Her father?! Is she okay?" "Really... You’re worried about how she's feeling when she could've killed you?" Faelen was getting agitated. "She doesn't know Faelen, give her a break!" "Yeah I want to give her a break alright. Break her neck so she can match her father," Faelen thought he was being funny. "Faelen!" My mom shouted. Lilith walked in giggling at what she had just heard giving Faelen the satisfaction he was waiting for. "My mom made that healing herb gel and when we got you back here it was the first thing we used after Adriel's dad got the arrow out of you. We didn't want to risk losing you," Lilith stated feeling proud because her mother was good with herbs. "You. You did this. Do you understand what you did? She has no one now because of you." "But I didn't... I'm sorry. She hurt you. I didn't know what to do. I was mad." She mumbled as my mom made her way over to me. "We don't need to talk about this right now. Drink this tea it will knock you out and help the healing process. Everyone go back to town before they get suspicious. Tell them I took Athena fishing." That was the last thing I heard before I drifted into a deep sleep.

I woke up later to my dad’s loud mouth, “She needs to get up and come back to town. People are wondering where you two are.” “She can’t go back right now Raedolph. She hasn’t walked since the accident. What if she can’t yet and what are we going to tell people anyway,” my mom yelled back at him. “Guys, I’m fine,” I started to get up but I fell. My dad walked over and helped me to my feet. He looked at me with sorrow on his face, “We can say she hurt herself fileting a fish, right?” My mom rolled her eyes, “Whatever Rae. If they have any questions, you’re going to answer them!” Lilith came in panting as I sat back down. My dad left and I could sense that he was kind of mad. My mom and Lilith cleaned my wound and dressed it. We finally made our way back to the village. People were looking and making faces but we ignored them. Lilith opened the door to my house for my mom and I. As we walked in I saw Aurora sitting in the kitchen. Her face was puffy and red. “Oh?” I was confused. I wasn’t expecting to see her so soon. Lilith turned and left.

She looked up at me and her facial expression changed. She seemed relieved. Between sniffles she whimpered, “What happened to you?” I went and sat down next to her, “Just a fishing accident. Are you okay? I heard what happened. I’m so sorry Aurora.” She took a tissue to her nose and wiped it, “Don’t worry. I will avenge my father. I wrote letters to a few of my dad’s buddies that hunt as well. They are coming down here and we will find those wolves. ”

I was more worried than ever. They wanted Lilith. This put all of us in even more danger. Now there is more of them; more men; strong men. I needed to tell everyone. Tanith is our newest wolf and she is nowhere near fast enough. Tala has only been with us for 4 months and she still has a lot of training to go through. Not to mention Mahala, Halcyon, and Zephyr just started the training and haven’t even began the transformation because they just turned 17. Then there is Echo who will be 17 soon. This is a nightmare.

My dad was there. He heard Aurora and wasn’t happy at all. I didn’t even know what to say. Aurora got up and headed to the guest bedroom and closed the door behind herself. My dad started walking towards the door, “She will be staying with us for a little while. I’m going to let everyone know we will have a meeting tonight at the cabin.” “Dad please be careful, they’re going to hear and they might try to go after you,” I said running up to him and giving him a big hug.

After he left I headed towards Faelen’s house. He answered the door and we walked to his room. I sat down on his bed and just then I heard my dad’s howl signaling to everyone about the meeting at midnight. Faelen gave me a worried look, so I explained everything and he was silent for a bit. He started pacing, “What if we went hunting in pairs then instead of groups? Maybe we wouldn’t be so loud that way. We could have one experienced wolf and one new wolf go at a time.” “That won’t work Faelen. I don’t know what we are going to do. My dad is having the meeting tonight but he didn’t tell me what it was about. I’m just so overwhelmed and with all these wolf whelps it’s going to be hard.” He sat down next to me and tucked my hair behind my ear, “We just need to stick together and help in any way we can.”

He put a smile on his face and gave me a hug. He always knew how to make me feel better. He’s always so happy and positive. I loved that about him. I often catch myself staring at him with a smile across my face. I wonder if he knows I like him. It sometimes seems like he likes me too and I want to tell him but at the same time I would rather not. I’m really shy when it comes to that. Besides he’s 20 and at the age of 21 males are required to choose a partner and I don’t want to interfere. Is it selfish that I want him to choose me?

Faelen snapped his fingers in my face, “Athena! Hello?” “Yeah sorry. I’m just thinking about everything,” I replied quickly. He grabbed my hand and helped me to my feet, “Let’s start heading to the cabin. Can you change?” “I don’t know, I haven’t tried. Can we just walk please? It hurts,” I said as we started walking towards the woods. He nodded.


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Mon Dec 14, 2015 7:40 pm
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hey, ShianneeMariee, and welcome to YWS!!

Okay let's jump straight into the review, I'll start with what I liked. The background of this story seems really interesting and unique, with the wolves and such. Honestly, I'm not the biggest fan of fantasy, but this seems alright to me so far. We are beginning to see certain relationships between characters which is good, and I look forward to seeing that unfold.

As for improvements, I agree with the other reviewers in saying that this is very info dump-y! It's a lot to take in, and to be honest one of the reasons I don't like fantasy is I usually can't be bothered to learn all the rules and ways of a different world. However, I think it can be done much better than this. Your ideas behind it are superb, but I think it could be written a bit better. I mean mentioning all these things just in the first two paragraphs isn't that engaging. This could be much more spread out which would actually allow the reader to take it in. Like, there are loads of names which are mentioned and if they aren't relevant to the story in that point and time, I just wouldn't mention it because it's too much to take in for a first chapter. The story should be able to tell itself in a way- basically there just seems to be too much author interference here! This might sound a bit silly because of course you are the author, but it shouldn't be so intrusive. I'll leave this point for now, but if you'd like me to give you specific example where you explain too much, let me know.

This was quite difficult to read because the dialogue was all on the same lines, so I think I'm actually confused about the story now- make sure you put each line of dialogue on a different line when a new person is talking. This isn't solely owed to the dialogue thing, but the Aurora part confused me so I had to read it again. Like the MC almost got killed by her friend, but wasn't angry at her? Of course she wouldn't be because Aurora's father died, however I'd imagine Aurora to at least apologise for her mistake.

Returning to my first point, there seems to be quite a bit of showing not telling. Character development should happen more naturally. For example,

He’s always so happy and positive.

Rather than just saying he's outright happy, try and show it. You did a good job of naturally showing the MC's feelings towards him, but when actually showing what he's like you need to show it more through his actions and his dialogue. And this doesn't need to be fit into this chapter, it can be throughout and so the reader can gather their own opinion an then compare it to the MC's.

Overall, this had lots of potential but the main issue is that there is too much showing and not telling. I hope this review helps, feel free to ask me any questions or if you'd like another review on anything. Keep writing,

~ArcticMonkey x






I don't understand what you mean when you said the Aurora should apologize... No one knows that some of the humans in the village are actually wolves. The only people who know are the wolves and the family of the wolves.



ArcticMonkey says...


Right... well then I'm kind of confused as to who is a human and who is a wolf haha



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Sun Dec 13, 2015 11:15 pm
HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



Greetings Shiannee Mariee! Holographic Ladybug here for a review!


~The nit-picks~

There's a bit of stuff with dialogue here that could use some fixing. Here are the rules:
You see, with dialogue, there are a few rules (I originally wrote this for a different review, so I apologized if some of the stuff you have already done):
-Unless the bit of dialogue is said by the same person, you must begin on a new paragraph.
-If you are ending the line before the tag (he said, she said, etc.), you need to have a comma, not a period. Ellipses (...), exclamation marks, and question marks (along with a few other exceptions, but I don't want to confuse you) are exceptions.
-Unless it's a name, the first word in your tag must not be a capitalized word.
-Your tag (usually) ends in a period.
(I'm probably going to get a bit confusing here.)
-If you are describing an action, ignore those rules.
For example: "I am the Prince of Jolly Land." He stamped his foot to the stage. "Give me your airplanes!"
-If you are interrupting your dialogue, a comma should follow your tag.
For example: "I will give you your hobos back if," she said, "you show me your souls."
(If I haven't helped you at all so far, you can just ignore me.)
As you can probably guess, you are not following some of these rules. Don't worry, we all have to learn eventually. I used to think that paragraphing was just a fancy thing that publishers do! :)

~The Good Stuff~
You've got quite the stunning idea here! It's really cool. You've especially displayed the emotion and voice really well. This is a really good first chapter and I'm excited to hear more.
So I guess you are talking about werewolves, then?
(I'm sorry if this part is a bit short, but I have to go and I really want to finish this review.)

Keep writing,
~Holographic Ladybug

.P.S. Welcome to YWS!
.P.P.S. Can you notify me when your next chapter is up?






Thank you so much for your input. And I will definitely let you know when I have another chapter up. I'm going to be posting another story if you would be interested in that one!(:



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Sun Dec 13, 2015 1:14 am
MemoryHunter wrote a review...



Hi, this is a review~

I like the writing style and everything. It was a really interesting read, however I need more details on things. What was the setting like when they were running? Can she hear the hunters looking for her kind or is it all silent?

Apart from that, I feel that it is all too straightforward. Info dump all over the place. You need to dump the information about the characters, etc. in a creative way. Perhaps in a dialogue of some kind. Don't just tell directly the information. That would take the fun away from readers. Or me. Maybe just me.

Also, cut down the paragraphs a little. Some readers tend to get bored after a few sentences when they see that the paragraphs are long. Of course, here in YWS, some people probably don't because we all love reading. Probably. However, I recommend breaking the paragraphs because whoever you're trying to show your work to, it's always going to look boring.

*checks own review if there are long paragraphs*

Okay.

Of course, I read the whole thing because I was intrigued by the plot and I just love werewolves and vampires. Especially when the writer can write about them. I love the title too. The introduction was interesting.

That's all I can say, happy writing~






Thank you so much. I appericiate your review. I'm going to be posting a new story later today if you would be interested in that one as well. (:



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Sat Dec 12, 2015 10:21 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there Shiannee Mariee. It is just lizzy stopping by for a quick review. I saw the title and I was intrigued. After reading, I felt a review was needed. Let the reviewing begin.

Let's start on grammar and spelling. I did not see many errors but I am not the best judge. You may want to consult someone else. Just be careful to thoroughly proofread because some reviewers rank grammar higher than others. I prefer to rank on a mixture of the two, they basically depend on each other.

As far as plot goes it is pretty well supported for the short length. You left it on a cliff hanger which is something I like to see in writing. It keeps the reader interested in your story and they will not lose this interest after just a few chapters. Please keep this aspect of your style up and running.

Besides that I do not have much. I can not wait to read the next chapter. Like I said above this was going to be just a quick review. I do not have much advice but welcome to YWS and keep on writing!
-lizzy






Thank you so much!!! I'm glad you like it. I will be posting a new story today if you would be interested in that one also? (:



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Sat Dec 12, 2015 7:21 pm
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lonewolf22 wrote a review...



I really like your writing style and technique, but there a few things that were hard to follow. In the beginning of the chapter, things went a little fast and were hard to follow. Slowing the beginning down some could help readers understand more about whats going on. Also, the characters could be introduced more.






I appreciate the advice but I wanted it to be intense. Later on in the book it will explain more of what exactly is happening and why the age of transformation is 17. I hope it wasn't that bad.




I do not use my siblings as the cleaning equipment.
— Tuckster