Cold Hearted -- Chapter 1

by Sherri

Published September 17, 2015

16+ Language Violence Mature Content

In Cold Hearted

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

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'Investigate the strange goings-on in the mountains,' they said. 'It'll be an adventure,' they said. 'Fun and exciting, and sure to get you a promotion!' They said.

I'll wring their necks when--no, if--I make it back. Even if I don't, I'll just settle for haunting them to and beyond their graves.

Another shot from a 45 cal. revolver lets out a deafening crack that pierces the cold night air. My back slams against the sheet metal wall of the dilapidated shack, dirt and pebbles spraying inches from my feet as the bullet slams into the ground.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are!" The low, menacing rumble of this maniacal woman's voice floats to my ears and sends shivers down my spine. I close my eyes, gripping the old pistol in my left hand tightly, trying not to think about the single bullet left in the chamber.

Boots crunch on gravel around the corner, crickets screeching their woes to the stars by the river that twisted through the valley thirty yards below the cliff this little settlement rested on. Jaysus, I hope I didn't panic and fall down the damned thing. I'd break my neck for certain; that river wasn't exactly known for being deep.

A few feet away from my not-very-impressive hiding place, the crunching of pebbles stops without much warning, and I hold my breath halfway through inhaling. Trying not to choke on the awkward mouthful of air, I swallow, eyes wide when I hear the hissing, dark laugh escape like a purr from her throat. The hammer of a gun is pulled back with a click, rotating the revolving chamber in such a terrifying way, my knees weaken.

I feel the tension spike in the air just before the gravel seems to screech as she lunges forward, diving around the corner. My legs are already moving, though, my lungs burning as I tear down the pathway towards the next closest shack. One shot cracks, and then another, a whistling sound popping and crackling by my right ear as a blurry spec passes by my head. The second shot hits the dirt between my legs, skimming the very edge of my black boots. I let out a scream, struggling to keep from stumbling. Gripping the pistol tightly in one hand, I grab the corner of a building made of splintered wood, rusty nails and sheet metal, and tattered canvas, throwing my body weight around the corner as another shot rings out.

She laughs again, obviously enjoying the game--for that's all it was to her, I could tell. She could've killed me ten minutes ago, the very second she saw me, but she's choosing not to--as she flips open the revolving chamber, shaking the used bullets to the ground. The ominous click, click, click of new bullets being loaded makes my stomach churn as make a mad dash for the log cabin nine yards to the left of this rickety old building. Leaping through a window, arms shielding my face as I shatter the glass window, I roll to the floor of the house painfully. Groaning, pushing my hands beneath me to lift myself off the ground, I check once more that the safety of the gun is on. It'd be just my luck that I survive this psychopath only to accidentally shoot myself.

Shuffling through the darkness of the room, I make my way to what appears to be another window covered by a sheet, pushing the fabric aside and flicking the latch up. Forcing the window open as quietly as I can--she doesn't know what side I'll exit out of, since there's probably covered windows on the other side as well--I slip over the rim of the window frame and hit the ground a bit too loudly. Wincing, I step swiftly and silently over the gravel, my hands finding the rough bark of a tree that rested between the cabin and the cave entrance to the north. What were they mining, exactly?

I press my back hard up against the wood of the tree, slowing my breathing and letting my eyes fall closed as I struggled to remember where I'd gone. The settlement was massive--a good two-hundred acres larger than the hundred-and-thirty we'd originally thought it was. I'd gotten maybe five acres in before she spotted me--well, in truth, she'd likely been following me for quite some time, but only then made her presence known--and drove me away from the place where I'd entered.

From there, I'd run continuously for ten minutes, only stopping to find cover from her bullets and wait for her to reload. She seemed to reload her gun loudly, using only the silver and copper-lined revolver though I had seen she carried at least seven other guns. I dreaded to think of what sort of person could find joy in a hunt such as this. And her eyes... dear Dea, I sincerely hope it was only my eyes playing tricks on me, but I swear the whites of her eyes had been black pits, the irises a vivid, glowing yellow, no pupils to be found till she lifted her gun to aim, where the blacks of the pupils seemed to consume her eyes altogether. No, I had to be imagining it in my obvious and understandable state of panic. Yeah. That sounds about right.

Mentally imagining the blurry landscape I'd travelled through, I decide it'd be nigh impossible to trace my steps and escape the way I came. Maybe she'd even ordered the wooden pike and barbed wire fence gate to be closed off. I needed to find a part of the wall closest to where I was now, scale it somehow, and make my way around the encampment from the outside. She wouldn't follow me out of her territory... right? She must be only a pawn. There was no way someone so apparently insane would be allowed by the citizens of this place--if there were any, as I had yet to see anyone--to lead. Right?

I suddenly become aware of the complete and utter lack of sound and freeze. Where did the crickets go? And I know I'd heard her laughing in the distance a few moments ago, the back of my mind shuddering at the sound.

Arms wrap around the tree, slender and surprisingly strong hands clasping about my waist, pulling me into the sandpaper bark. I scream as she chuckles--it's almost a seductive sort of sound, and I nearly vomit with fear--whispering, "Found you,"

Panic hurdles my vision into a blinding, flashing white, my stomach rolling heavily as I let my body become deadweight, trying to break her grip. She only laughs, a metallic scraping sound echoing from the joints of her fingers as she clenches tighter into my waist. I try to grab her hands and pry them off of me, squirming and kicking and, to be perfectly honest, blubbering when I can't get loose. "Please," I plead frantically, but she only snorts, her hands shifting as she releases me, only to whirl around the tree and snatch up my arms as I fall forwards in a desperate attempt to run. I kick her, flipping the safety off on my pistol as I aim it, stumbling backwards.

Oh, Dea, her eyes. Her bloody eyes! They're glowing such a vivid yellow, a pulsing illumination that goes completely dark as she lifts her revolver. She smiles, tanned face broken by a wicked white-toothed smile, metal designs melted into her teeth.

I pull the trigger as a horrified shriek escapes my gaping mouth, eyes shutting tightly as the kick of the gun throws the gun back into my face. I should've gripped the gun tighter... I should've stiffened my arms. Blood pours from my nose, a sharp pain piercing into my skull as my face throbs. I drop the useless weapon ad turn to run as blood spreads like a blooming flower over her dusty leather coat. I'd hit her shoulder, but she'd barely taken a step back, only grinning as she pulls the hammer back and tightens her grip on the trigger.

I look over my shoulder just as it fires, the black of her pupils becoming so large that it melds with the black of her sclera before quickly reducing itself into nothing but glowing yellow.

The bullet digs painfully into my left side and I fall forward, rolling several times as I scream, gripping my side. My brain feels the tilt in the landscape before my body registers it, and then I'm slipping, sliding, fingers scrabbling for purchase as gravity tugs me down the slope towards the cliff edge just to the right of the cave entrance.

My feet go over first, my eyes latching onto her horrified face as she drops her gun, lunging forward with her hand outstretched. "No!" She shouts, diving for me, but then my torso is over the edge and my hands fail to grip the ledge like my mind demanded. I see her short, tangled brown hair and panic-stricken face appear over the edge, becoming smaller and smaller as that horrible tugging sensation in my stomach pulls at me. I fall much too quickly, the rush of the wind taking my breath away as my body tilts midair so that I can see the water of the river rushing up to greet me.

I think I hear her shouting orders to someone--something about horses and medical kits--which makes little to no sense to me, even as I plummet. Why she couldn’t start caring about my health and safety before she shot me right off a cliff was a mystery I would ponder over in the afterlife bitterly.

It's my last thought as I twist my body, straightening my legs and crossing my arms over my chest as my lanky form slams into the surface of the water.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
ThePhoenix
Review
ThePhoenix wrote a review Review · Sep 27, 2015

Wow! So much action in this one chapter. And you describe it really well. I think you put so much description that I started imagining this happening in slow motion. Especially the part about the bullet slamming into the ground.
With that said though, don't use too much detail otherwise you'll seriously overwhelm the reader.

Plot

Spoiler
Ok, not much has been said about the plot or the title, but that's fine. It's only the first chapter. Although I am really curious about why the creepy woman was calling for help after she shoots him over the cliff.
Actually, how does your character make "little sense" of this? Does he think that she suddenly feels horrible for doing that? Or maybe he thought that her goal wasn't to kill him. That would actually make sense, considering what you said earlier in the chapter.


Characters
Spoiler
I think I'm actually more interested in the woman than the main character. It's not your fault, I'm sure he's amazing in lots of ways, but I'm more curious about her reason for calling medics and stuff.
Besides, we don't really know much about your character yet so...
:D


Setting
Spoiler
Ok, I got a bit confused for this part. At first I thought they were in a graveyard (I think I got that idea because your character mentioned it) but then you said something about a room and a dilapidated wall so I imagined them in a large yet enclosed space, like an abandoned warehouse. I thought it had to be large to allow all the movement. But that didn't make sense to me as you said the ground was gravel. And then you say cliff and river and leaves and stuff, so I got the impression they were fighting on a mountainside.
Now, I get the whole "show not tell" thing is probably what you were going for and that's good! But if you actually told us what he was hiding against then that might help a little in creating the scene in our heads. Unless you did tell us and I missed it in which case, I'm so sorry.


That's it!
This was a really good chapter. Ehm, I don't know what else to say. I'm not very good when it comes to ending or starting reviews so...
Bye!

Happy Writing!

User avatar
MrMuddyPig
Review
MrMuddyPig wrote a review Review · Sep 18, 2015

Hey! Mr Muddy Pig here! The first sentence has some trouble.

'Investigate the strange goings-on in the mountains,' they said. 'It'll be an adventure,' they said. 'Fun and exciting, and sure to get you a promotion!' They said.

should be: They told me to investigate the strange things in the mountains, not only that, but they told me it will be a fun and eciting adventure and best of all, I might get a promotion!

I know what you mean by "they said" but it doesn't flow well, maybe on speech but not on writing.


I'll wring their necks when--no, if--I make it back. Even if I don't, I'll just settle for haunting them to and beyond their graves.

It flows well but you only need one "-" like:

I'll wring their necks when-no, if-I make it back. Even if I don't, I'll just settle for haunting them to and beyond their graves.

Or:
I'll wring their necks when...no, if...I make it back. Even if I don't, I'll just settle for haunting them to and beyond their graves.

Or:I'll wring their necks..just kidding

The rest of the story is ok. You just missed up in the start.

Nice story! Now bye and keep writing with your great mind!

~MrMuddyPig

Sherri replied · Sep 18, 2015

Hello Mr. MuddyPig!
Thank you for reviewing!
So, I'm not sure where you're from, but a common joke between a friend and I is the 'they said' chain. Like... Oh! A popular one is "Get a dog," they said. "It'll be fun!" They said. 'They' is referring to peers or people around you, and the words in single quotations are what they advised. It's usually used in a humorous way. I don't plan on changing it. :)
As for the dashes, that is actually how it's written! A single hyphen, or '-', is used to connect words that go together, like sing-song and blackish-grey. A dash, or double hyphen '--' for typewriters and programs that don't auto-correct like WordPad, is used as a sort of super-comma. Use this example: "All four of them%u2014Bob, Jeffrey, Jason, and Brett%u2014did well in college."
Sorry to get so grammar-nazi on you, but I am asked to correct this SO OFTEN, and I go back and have another look through my grammar books--I'm a senior in high school, and I still question myself and look through my books, as silly as that sounds. I figure that instead of getting agitated with people, like I used to, I should start to inform people of how to actually use dashes, hyphens, and double-hyphens. A lot of people don't even know! XD
Anywho, thank you for taking the time to review, and hopefully my reply helped you with upgrading your knowledge of grammar and writing! :) (I also pray I didn't come off as too... smug, I suppose. It's very hard to word these things kindly when you can't use tone of voice to reiterate you're only trying to help. One of the downsides of text-only communication.)

User avatar
kathryn
Review
kathryn wrote a review Review · Sep 18, 2015

This is a good start to the story. I like how you introduce us into the story and kind of tell us where she is before you just throw us right into the action. The only complaint I would have is that there is a little too much detail. A lot of detail is good but too much is a bit distracting from the actual story and you don't want your readers getting distracted. As far as I could tell there were no grammar errors or spelling errors. There was one point where you left out an I but I'm sure you can catch that if you read back through. I hope this is helpful to you. Keep up the good work!

Sherri replied · Sep 18, 2015

Hi Kathryn!
Thank you so much for reviewing; I really appreciate it.
Yeah, there's a pretty fine line between too much detail and not enough. XD I can never quite balance it well enough. This is only a first draft, though, and I plan on coming back through it after I complete the draft and fully revising it. I'll definitely skim down on the details then.
I'll also reread the chapter and find that missing 'I'!
Thank you so much; it really helps!! :D



Vampires aren't real, but you know what is? And far more annoying? MOSQUITOS
— LadyMysterio