Young Writers Society

I like the background behind it, but think it could probably use a different way to 'flow' better. love the topic though, and know how things like that can feel. overall i do like it

It's always a good rule to let a poem speak for itself, because you won't always have the chance to explain it to your reader.

Brian, I understand what you are saying about using more creative language but I purposly didnt. This poem is a reflection of what Im feeling and as my head is "overloaded" fancy descriptive words dont come easily. I wanted the language to be simple. But thankyou, and maybe I'll develope a similiar poem following your suggestion later.

Diana, the full stops create exactly the feeling I wanted for this poem.

"Swirling thoughts won't stop.
Around and around."

The thoughts that I can keep for more than 2 seconds are disjointed. I wanted the feel of stopping and starting. Prehaps it doesn't seem so great in print but I think you'd understand what I meant if it was read to you.

I also am not a fan of 'my life is pain' poems. I didnt think this poem was exactly saying that though. Yes, I feel pain, but what I was really trying to say was that it's hard to cope with everything at once.

Thaks for your input and I hope I've explained why I wrote it the way I did. Maybe I'll have to rewrite it and make those points a little more clear.

This was way too broken up. You can't have a period at the end of every line. Change some of them to commas. It's too hard to read a poem when there are so many periods because every time there is one, you stop when you're reading it. It was hard to enjoy the poem with all the stops. Work on those.

I am not a huge fan of poems on this subject a.k.a. "my life is pain" poems. 'Tis annoying! Life is not all pain, even if you have been through painful things! Well, that's my opinion. Anyway, yeah, this poem didn't impress me because it was nothing new. It is good to get your emotions out in poetry (that's one of it's purposes!), but if you're trying for something more, try to be more original with your work.

Thank you, and have a nice day.
-*-*--Diana--*-*-

I haven't read anything of your before, but this is a nice effort. I can underdstand what you are saying, but I think it can be said better. I like that you're not trying to hit the reader over the head with it, but I do think that you can use some more creative language.

Brian