Published January 31, 2009
Thankyou for all of your advice so far, you're all so helpful ! xD Please comment review, etc.
I LOVE YOUX
Preface
Preface
He felt a warm, yet deadly breath on his bare and exposed neck, as a pair of soft lips touched him there. He grumbled something in his sleep, and turned over.
The lips were placed upon his neck once more; he wrinkled his nose, feeling uncomfortable with this new visitor.
He turned over once more and suddenly hit the hard ground, bolting upright, staring around the dark room.
Screwing his eyes, he stood up, his legs wobbling, and stumbled to the light, flicking it on; a yellow light flooded his bedroom, the light blinded his dry eyes, blurring them as he tried to put his attention back on his bedroom, as his eyes refocused he stared at his belongings; his trainers dumped untidily beside his bed, his clothes tipped out of his wardrobe and some mouldy pizza crusts. Everything was the same. Aiden spun around...
He had heard a hissing noise, and could have sworn he saw a flash of black as he turned. But nobody was there.
He felt as if the hiss was echoing across his room, or just repeating itself in his head.
He made his way to his bed, the light still on, and hugged his knees to his chest, yes it was childish to be scared, but hey, wouldn't everyone be?
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139,268 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is quite the start here. I am loving the tone that this is setting and just the general sort of atmosphere that its managing to create here. Its just very simple in terms of the description and we're not really getting all that much context but for a preface this really works out very well by letting us know just about enough with those very subtle details so that we get a rough picture that we conjure up in our heads about what might be going on. It all really works very well as the opening here.
That continues on that thread quite nicely there. I think you've done a wonderful job of bringing that whole situation together with a few more emotions creeping into things and what seems like a very subtle hint at perhaps a touch of backstory although this bit is really a bit too vague to try and track down.
Overall though, I think you have a solid plan going on here, and there's certainly enough happening here to get my attention and make me want to read more of this story.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Overall, I enjoyed the piece. It has good potential and could use some work. The only thing I've caught that no one else has yet mentioned is for you to vary your sentence structures more. Most of your sentences are long and stretched out. Break some of them down into multiple sentences to help keep readers attention.
I really really like it.
.
You have a really nice writing style and after I've commented on this, I'm moving onto your next bit
Er, the only thing I can find that I don't write that's not mentioned is:
He heard a hissing noise, and could have sworn he saw a flash of black.
How can you see a flash of black in, what I presume is, darkness?
Overall though, brilliant.
I absolutely liked it!
Although it really was short, it's interesting and I keep wondering what those lips were, or who they belong to.
You have a great way of writing!
I agree with lucyy, the last part doesn't really fit. I'd suggest changing it to "but who wouldn't be?" or something like that.
Hope you keep on writing!
MySunshine
Heyy, my name's lucyy *shakes hands* I'm just randomly looking around for pieces to review, and my eyes fell upon this piece, so here I am reviewing your work!!
I've already noticed that this is quite a short piece and there is another chapter to it, so after I'm done with this, I'll go and review that too. Just a few things to say before I get started: I'm a very nitpicky reviewer (product of an annoying perfectionist with OCD-like tendencies =P ), so don't be put off - I always find something to nitpick at (: I'm also quite an honest (sometimes harsh) reviewer, but I promise you I do it with the best intentions. So, all my comments/stuff that I've added in is in bold, so let's do this thing!! =D
Overall Thoughts
This was a great preface, yes it was pretty short, but I think the best prefaces are short ones, as they're designed to reel the reader in - which you definitely have!! You just need to add in a little description to this piece, otherwise great job!! I'm off to review the first chapter...
Keep writing!!
--Lucyy xx
I LIKE THE STORY IT CATCHS MY ATTENTION KEEP ON WRITING .IF YOU DONT MIND PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU AVE WRITEN MORE
Hello there! Thought I would offer up some critique! Let’s start with word choice and grammar.
While these aren’t bad lines, I feel personally that they take away from the overall story. They make a reader remember the fact that they are reading a story, instead of being apart of a story. And isn’t the overall affect to try to entrap the reader into the tale? My suggestion would be to not include these.
A little off subject for a second, but I must mention the last line of your prologue here. I love it! I think the “you know you want to” is a great sentence, and while it wouldn’t work for many stories, for yours to completely does. It goes along with the overall feeling.
Moving onto overall wording.
I love the amount of detail that you have it in, the description of the light, the sky, the streets, etc. It’s great, but I feel like you need something to balance it out. Why not a random animal, or object, follow it’s path slightly as you describe everything. At this point it is easy to skim over some of it, and I can tell that you have some great word choice in there that people won’t want to miss. Again, this is only a suggestion though.
Overall, I would love to see you continue to work with this. Try molding it, seeing it from different angles. Putting it away for a day, coming back! I’m sure you could