Let's be still.
let's conquer the world
by letting it kill us.
*
let's be wise
and remember that
we're sheep
*
waiting to be shepparded
to who knows where.
*
and we sheep can only stare
at the blue bruise sky
and the bright wide stars
and their intentions.
*
but we can make only as
much sense of them
as we can make sense
of our own selves.
*
In short,
we can't.
*
So
let's be sheep
and blindly wander.
*
Where's the point of purpose?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Hello, darling!
I'd like to begin with one nitpick, just to help you out, as you misspelled "shepherded" as "shepparded". Not sure if you saw that or if anyone else pointed it out.
Now, to begin from a literary standpoint, this poem seems like it's trying to say something and encompass an idea much larger than itself, and your diction doesn't allow it to. You have an interesting idea below the surface, of watching the world go by and being sheep (yes, haha, I get it), but your words are woefully underwhelming and it leaves me wondering why I read this poem and perhaps not a more impactful one. This idea is a common motif with literary works, especially with those recently beginning to write poetry, and it takes a lot to pull these works out of mires of cliché.
I also ask you: Why do you use the metaphors you do? You talk of a "bruise blue sky", when bruises are not blue and do not tie into the poem in any other way, and you talk of the intentions of stars, and neither of those things make sense. While I don't normally require sensibility to be a part of poetry, it would be nice if those things tied into the rest of the poem, which is about us being sheep. As it is, I'm left questioning why that stanza even exists except to preface the stanza after it, which is generally not a good reason. Let the words live.
It's not bad, but it's not great, and all good things come with blood, sweat, and tears. Keep writing!
Hello!
I liked this, the dry tone of the poem. I like the sparseness of details, it really underscores the message 'let's be sheep'. No need to think too much. There's not much to add, than my predecessors have.
Stanza structure:
I point this out because, compared to the other lines and their arrangements, this is jarring. On it's own, it doesn't really pack as much of a punch.
Beautiful description here.
Consider removing the period after 'short'. Consider making the two lines one sentence, with a comma.
Otherwise, this is a lovely piece.
Thank you.
Sybil here!
Before I review this, I'd just like to say that I noticed what you did there...Being called Sheep and your avatar. I sense Le Petit Prince in that. You make a nice looking sheep too. ^^
now the review!
The overall message of this work was different therefore, interesting. A bit sad, but I liked it for its realism on that point. Your imagery was good on the fourth stanza...
That was nice... I also agree with krazywriter's corrections. On "Where's the point of purpose?" I thought it a little bit redundant because it could simply be said like... "Where's the purpose?" or "What's the point?"
Overall, good job! This was a good one, hope our advice here helps you improve and grow as a writer!
Keep on dreaming! ^.^
-Sybil (WaltzingDreams)
That's a random way at looking at the world. Sheep? When you think about it, it does kinda make sense. Some people do wander blindly, not understanding what's going on, just living in the moment.
A few corrections:
"shepparded" is spelled "shepherded"
"In short.
we can't."
I don't think you should have a period after "short"
Make sure you follow a format. You have some lines capitalized, some not.
"Where's the point of purpose?"
Point of purpose? Can you have a point of purpose? Maybe it should be "point of living" or something. Point and purpose mean the same thing in this context.
That's all. Nice job! Keep it up!