I once knew a girl...
who said that once something was broken it could never be fixed . In some sense she was right when it came to objects but she also believed the same for people .
she used to believe that hope was just a waste of time, that you would only get hurt in the end.
.I once knew a girl...
who believed in all of that,that girl used to be me.
My friends helped me see that I was better than I thought I was and even though I still believe that stuff sometimes,I know my friends will be around
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
You should put this poem in lines. Like this:
I once knew a girl...
She said once something was it could never be fixed.
In some sense she was right when it came to objects,
but she also believed the same for people.
She used to believe that hope was just a waste of time,
that you would only get hurt in the end.
I once knew a girl...
She believed in all of that and that girl used to be me.
My friends helped me see I am better than I thought.
Even though I still believe that stuff sometimes,
I know my friends are around.
See? If you look at it this way, then you can see that the eye can follow it easier. I'm a newbie here too, but I've been on other writing websites. Good luck with your writing.
Hello, steampowered here with a review!
First of all, welcome to the site! Hopefully you’ll find us a really helpful community which will help you grow and develop as a writer. If I seem a bit harsh in this review, I’m honestly only trying to give some constructive feedback which will hopefully help you with your future endeavours.
As another reviewer said, this doesn’t really seem like poetry mainly because of the way it’s formatted. If you were to change the layout slightly – perhaps by putting a new line every time you used a comma – it might make it look more poetic. Then again, I’m not really the poetry expert, so hopefully you might get another review from somebody who knows more about poetry than I do.
Onto a few nitpicks:
This should be “fixed” rather than “fix”.
Your punctuation’s also a little bit off – you need to delete the space to the left of those commas and other punctuation marks, so that they’re nice and snug against the text. Here’s an example to illustrate what I mean:
For starters, you don’t need that full stop (period) at the start of that sentence. Also, the comma needs to be next to the first “that”. So:
Hopefully you can see what I did here. You need a space after the punctuation mark but not before.
Also, if you’re not planning on restructuring this so it looks more like a poem, you need to make sure you begin every sentence with a capital letter. You should hopefully be able to see for yourself where those changes need to be made, but if not just shoot me a PM or reply to this review and I’ll be more than happy to help you edit it.
And I think that covers everything. Feel free to let me know if you ever need anything else reviewed, and happy writing!
-steam-
I really liked this; how personal it was. sometimes I feel that there is no hope as well. I truly believe sometimes there is nothing to look forward to. It makes this work relate able. I think you did a great job on this piece, but I wish you would have added more detail. I think you can keep writing. There is some room for improvement here though. If you'd like you can look at my poetry for some inspiration. Or if you like my short stories. Anyway overall you did great.
Welcome to the site, mate! I'd rather drop a short review for you!
It's interesting, what you've done here. But, yes, for the genre, I'm not entirely sure if that's the right place to put your work. It doesn't look/sound like a poetry to me :3 (But, that's only me, right? :3) You could try using stanzas to make it look like a poetry. As, rhyming, I think isn't always too much important for poetry. Yes, a writer can surprise the readers with spectacular use of rhyming but even if one doesn't do that, not a very big deal it is. Rather, it's a choice.
Now, your work, I like the way you've written about two completely different situation of an individual. How, the girl used to have a displeased view about the world but then with the help of her peers, she gets over it and learn being hopeful. Well, it's a good work overall. Just, some structuring issues probably can be found in your work, I assume it's because you've typed it in hurry or something? You can always fix that!
Anyway, good luck and good day!
~Nire.