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Stranger. Shadow. Sunrise

by Shawstories95


Rolo! Come here Rolo. Who's a good little boy?

Everyday (6am) when the morning is magical, I take Rolo into the enchanted, mystical universe. He loves it, Rolo does. Rolo loves to rally through the infinity leafs and scramble in the gluey, gooey, thick mud. I can not believe it's been almost 10yrs when we both zinged under the star of Nirvana. I can remember,  when he slobbered all over me. (haha) typical Rolo.

I've strolled a thousand times around these acres of memories. The times when my best friend Carla would compete with me to climb the highest tree we can find, being an empress of our own empire. I was younger then. My brain pumped with imagination, my blood pumped with pixy dust, my muscles pumped with determination. As time ticked rapidly all my aspirations and Carla's, dramatically deflated.

Carla had high hopes, she wanted to be president and I would be vice president or her Secretary. I did not mind that role, I like to be the water that feeds the seed, so it can grow into something alluring. Me and Carla had a best friend bond, like our favourite TV stars "Ant & Dec", but women. We wanted to dance and shine, not be like a scarecrow in empty field. All we ever wanted is to work together, change the world together and be best friends forever.

The death season is approaching (one day to go) Destroying peace, harmony and entity. Freezing everything it touches, lingering in purgatory. the energy that the Forrest had worked hard for, growing the majority of the year---------- SHATTERED! into a souvenir for the wind to take. Death is a maze with no exit.You cant escape it. It will find you, it will find you without a warning. When we're old and even when we're young. Even when death is close by, it may not take us physically, but a part of us. Avery important piece of a jigsaw that we so deeply need to make our picture unified. That very important Jigsaw has been lost and replaced. A new piece that fits, but with a different look, it works, but my thoughts and feelings still remembers the old Jigsaw piece. That death itself could not have the power to take.

Rolo can be a little bully at times, boxing whatever it finds. But I strongly adore him. He was Carla's favourite breed. She told me she was going to get one. (Boxer Dog) for Xmas, weeks before she... Weeks before she... It breaks my heart every-time I think about this unforgettable, devastating day. But I must accept, allow it to be.

Almost 10yrs ago my life changed forever. It was the day Carla received a letter from "U Improve College" (for girls) that would separate our robust friendship. She was so excited about it, she was jumping up and down and I was like a drained zombie from the walking dead series. I was not in the best of moods that day. "I got in, I got in!" said Carla. I was confused, I did not know what she was talking about, I need to re-charge my brain.

So we headed to our favourite cafe and Carla told me all about it. When she was speaking, the sound of her strong, determined, enthusiastic voice fading through my ears. It was a language I did not recognised, the bond we had was losing connection, a path that I could no longer follow. The sentence I only recognised was "I'm moving over a thousand miles and I'm attending "U Improve College to study politics". My thoughts was painting pictures, painting faster, FASTER, and FASTER! Like a action movie scene rising to the climax, in sync with my heart beat. Then it STOPPED!------ For several seconds. "Megan, are you okay"? "MEGAN! Megan please respond", said Carla, in an echo-way through my own hearing. I got up slowly away from the table, standing straight stiff. Looking ahead in the mirror in front of me, seeing only a reflection of me, with no one by my side. I turned robotically and trudged out of the cafe with negative thoughts weighing me down.

An elegant touch on my shoulders, felt like a push, my mind could not keep up with the pace of my lungs. "Megan, please talk to me, I did not mean to make you upset" said Carla in a soft caring way. I looked into her sweet, innocent, goal-oriented eyes------ then dashed down the street, the tension, the pressure, I could not deal with it. My eyes drained with sprinkles of memories, emptying my past bucket. "MEGAN! wait I want to talk to you", said Carla. I ran too the only place that I can be free from this painful situation, "the world of wonders". ( The Forrest) Carla chasing me from behind. Climbing up our magnificent, enormous, ancient tree. (Eternal branches) Every branch I grab onto is a flashback of memories of our childhood, flashing in my mind. The tree is trying to weaken me with emotional distractions. 100ft from the ground, the highest I've ever climbed. I've been too frightened in the past, Carla was always at the top (150ft) on several occasions. With Carla leaving, my emotions was getting the best of me. Like I needed to prove something. I was happy for Carla, but I wanted to be on that journey together. How could she betray me? We was supposed to be a team!

"MEGAN! MEGAN! slow down, you're going to get yourself stuck", said Carla I ignored her and carried on climbing.

"MEGAN! MEGAN! I'M STUCK", said Carla. 

I was angry and upset, I told her "ya a big, strong girl, get yourself unstuck!" I shouted carelessly

"HUFF! PUFF"! Carla screaming and gasping in a terrified way.

I should help her, but she probably faking it. But my gut was telling me different------- I stopped and wait---- I take a deep breath as--- I slowly opened my mouth okay Ca...

SNAP!!

I turned my head over my shoulders quickly----- ARRRGGGHH!

Carla screaming as she plunges to her DEATH!

Caarrlla------ ! No-----!

Oh no what have I done? Its my fault. If I just listened to her and helped her I could of saved her. But no, I was too selfish, stupid and jealous. If I just accepted her desire, ambition, her achievement none of this would have happened. All I ever wanted was too be best friends forever.

Everyday, I walk these woods re-playing the good memories and bad ones. I look towards the horizon, from the tree we both stood tall, speaking to the gates of the heaven as it opens. "I will meet you on the other-side, meet me in the morning when you wake up, everyday 6am, come rain or shine, i'll met you in the light, hoping ! dont suffocate.

ARF RUF! RUF! RUF! (Rolo barking) Rolo, What is it? 

All of a sudden the trees and the dust from the ground whisking in a cold dark way. the trees looked like it were on fire. Strangely I felt at peace, sun glaring in my eyes, a human figure appeared in the horizon out of nowhere.

ARF RUF! RUFF RUFF! (Rolo barking)

Rolo shhh! be quiet.

SNAP!

BLACKOUT -------- To be continued. 

Thanks for reading

Shawstories 


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42 Reviews


Points: 169
Reviews: 42

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Fri May 15, 2020 12:20 am
IamI wrote a review...



Hello. This is my review.

The bad.

This story is awkwardly written and there were several issues that gave me the impression that you were very young or learning English; this sounds harsh but I would be doing you disservice if I didn’t mention it. It’s the reviewers job to point out issues. It might sound harsh sometimes, but so long as it’s coming from a good place and helps the writer improve, than what does the tone matter? My reviews mostly focus on grammar and style, and there’s plenty to go through so let’s get started.

To begin with, your use of parentheses isn’t very effective, they mostly consist of things like
“...the morning(6am)” and “(rolo barking)”. The first of these could simply be deleted; the exact time is unnecessary and if you really wanted to tell us this you could show it, have something like: “I woke up and looked at my clock ‘6:00am’ it read.”, a bit clunky but the only examples that need to be perfect are textbook examples. The second of these is almost fine, in fact, you could remove the “ruff ruff ruff” bit before it with “rolo barked.”

I think I should take the time now to give a brief overview of what parentheses are. At their most basic, parentheses signify unnecessary information in the sentence (that is, information not required for the sentence to function as a complete thought) and usually sounds (in my head, anyway) like a digression or an aside, usually more formal in tone than dashes, but less formal than parenthetical expressions (which is essentially just replacing the parentheses around the information in question with commas) and usually sound slightly quicker than the rest of the sentence (though some of this is subjective (the parts about tone and sound, specifically). I hope you will find this helpful. On to the next thing!

Next I’m going to go over a number of similar (and similarly irksome) errors. First of these is your use of the letter ‘U’ instead of the word ‘you’, which, aside from being personally infuriating, also makes the writing seem less mature, my remedy for this is to use the word ‘you’, rather than the letter. There is also your liberal use of bold lettering, which adds unnecessary emphasis. I suggest refraining from the use of this in all parts of your story other than chapter headings, in which case I would actually recommend them, as they differentiate the chapters from the rest of the work. My final two things are your bewilderingly long dashes, I would suggest keeping it to a maximum of two if you can’t get an em-dash (which looks like ‘—’), which you can type on an apple keyboard by pressing the option key and the dash key, or on a touchscreen simply holding down the dash icon until options appear. My final criticism is that you had many misused words (if I may be allowed a digression the “U improve college” was especially confusing, since that sound more like a sketchy diy education website rather than a reputable educational institution, to avoid things like this in the future I would advise looking up real world examples of things that you’re writing about, if there are any, this will give you a better sense of things like names), for this there is a simple, heavy (or possibly near-weightless) solution: the dictionary, there is an app called dictionary.com (or just dictionary, I’m not quite sure which, at any rate it exists and you should use it) that is fantastic for this, it also comes with a thesaurus and the app is free, though you have to pay to remove ads.

Now stay right there! We’re not done yet!

“Dialogue time!” The author wrote, wondering how his humorous meta-commentary would be received by the reader.

Your dialogue suffers from the same thing that many writers suffer from, even published ones (I am thinking of the other of the otherwise wonderful ‘deltora quest’, books which I read when I was younger and still have fond memories of. If you like light little fantasy books you can knock it in an afternoon I highly recommend them), you suffer from a reluctance to use contractions, specifically the line "Megan, please talk to me, I did not mean to make you upset", the use of “did not” rather than “didn’t” makes it sound very robotic. My advice for this is simply to listen to how people talk, what words they abbreviate and which ones they don’t, it will help.

Now I think we’re done with the negatives.

The good

While I did spend a lot of on you grammatical errors (and with good reason, that sort of thing is important), there are some very nice little phrases like “We wanted to dance and shine, not be like a scarecrow in empty field.” In this I can see the glimmerings(the sparks, if you’ll permit my poeticism) of something interesting.

Like most very young writers, you have energy, you have ideas, and you want to write them, but you don’t understand you medium well enough to properly convey your ideas. Perhaps I’m making I’m making too many assumptions, but my younger brother has begun writing recently and your stuff reminded me a lot of his—I guess it struck a chord with me.

So to end off, you work has many issues, but they are all easily fixed through practice and effort.

Keep writing, you can only get better through practice and I look forward to seeing you grow.

That was my review. Goodbye.



Random avatar


HI, thank you for your feedback and time, really appreciate it. I can handle constructive criticism as I want to Improve. You're right, I do have lots of ideas, but find it difficult to cement ideas and grammar together.
That is why I'm here.

I know there would of been issues in the writing, now that I'm aware of them, I will try and amend them in the future.
One advice that struck me was "U Improve College" You right that name did sound sketchy, Like if it was some sort of scam school lol. Should of said Harvard or something. But this writing that I did was like freestyle. A warm up. So the picture online and I started writing about it. AS this style of creative writing is what can be found in the exams. I wanted to be creative with name but did want to spend to long, my goal was to do in 1hour. "U Improve College" was the first thing that landed in my head.

But thank you again for your incredible review. Thanks god they're no Mums on here hahaha



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Fri May 15, 2020 12:17 am
Stellarjay wrote a review...



Hey Shawstories95,
Stellarjay here for a review!

1) "My brain pumped with imagination, my blood pumped with pixy dust, my muscles pumped with determination." Instead of using pumped for each, use different descriptors. It gets repetitive after a while. It will also keep a good tempo if you know what I mean.

2) I don't mean to be harsh, but there were a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes. getting into the habit of proof reading will help you a lot in the future!

3) When switching between real life and the past, it sometime gets blurred together. For example "All I ever wanted was too be best friends forever.
Everyday, I walk these woods re-playing the good memories and bad ones."
At first it's hard to tell that you've switched to real time.

4)When you begin the story, you mention that Megan flew past the star Nirvana and there were a few other details that suggested that this was in a different universe. I would make this more clear by mentioning where Megan lives. Is it dystopian earth or a different planet entirely? Adding facts like this makes the story more interesting and engaging

5) Overall, the story has good structure. I see real potential in it! I like how you established your characters and made Megan go down memory lane!

I hope this review was helpful!
- Stellarjay



Random avatar


HI Stellarjay! Thank you for your time and effort for reviewing my story. I dont mind if you sound harsh, I love it. Strong feedback is what I need. I will take your advice next time on proof reading. This story was just a freestyle warm up, that came from my head straight down onto paper. Then I thought it was cool so I posted it on here without checking. Because I wanted to see how many mistakes there was. Now I know. So thank you.

When switching from present to past, you recommend letting the reader aware above the paragraph?

Thanks for your feedback on the characters, as that was my goal to focus on them more than the plot.

Thank you again for your review. Have a good day!



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Thu May 14, 2020 11:59 pm
starchaser wrote a review...



Hello! I see that you're new to YWS--welcome! This is the perfect place for you to express your creativity. We're so happy that you're here.

I found this very interesting. There are some things I would like to point out.

1. "Rolo! Come here Rolo. Who's a good little boy?" This phrase, and where it is placed, is a bit awkward, and I would suggest moving it to a later part or cutting it entirely.

2. "Everyday (6am) when the morning is magical, I take Rolo into the enchanted, mystical universe. He loves it, Rolo does." The parentheses make it a bit weird to read. The phrase "He loves it, Rolo does." is also very weird, as you mention Rolo twice.

3. "Rolo loves to rally through the infinity leafs and scramble in the gluey, gooey, thick mud." The word "rally" isn't a good fit here, and the word "leaves" is the correct plural, not "leafs".

4. "I can not believe it's been almost 10yrs when we both zinged under the star of Nirvana. I can remember, when he slobbered all over me. (haha) typical Rolo." The first sentence should be "I cannot believe it has been almost 10 years when we both zinged under the star of Nirvana." In stories, refrain from using "yrs" and instead write out the full word. What does it mean to be "zinged"? The second sentence should be written as "I can remember when he slobbered all over me." The comma in that sentence is unnecessary. The third sentence should either be a thought and in italics, or cut out. The parentheses are unnecessary.

5. "My brain pumped with imagination, my blood pumped with pixy dust, my muscles pumped with determination. As time ticked rapidly all my aspirations and Carla's, dramatically deflated." "Pixy" is spelled "pixie". The second sentence has an odd flow. I can understand what it is trying to say, but it should be written differently.

6. "I did not mind that role, I like to be the water that feeds the seed, so it can grow into something alluring." I liked this line very much.

7. "Avery important piece of a jigsaw that we so deeply need to make our picture unified." The first word should be "Every".

8. "'I got in, I got in!" said Carla.' I would suggest using a other than "said", something such as "cheered", maybe?

9. " I ran too the only place that I can be free from this painful situation, "the world of wonders". ( The Forrest)" It should be "to", not "too". Is the word "Forrest" supposed to be written with two "r"s? Is that its name? It should not be in parentheses, and it should be 'The Forrest,' a world of wonder."

10. "'HUFF! PUFF!' Carla screaming and gasping in a terrified way." The dialogue is not needed.

11. "ARF RUF! RUF! RUF! (Rolo barking) Rolo, What is it?" You should just say that Rolo is barking, and point out that the narrator is speaking using quotation marks. This occurs twice in the next few lines.

There are some other grammatical and spelling mistakes scattered throughout. Otherwise, I found the story very interesting. This could even stand alone, with no continuation (but I understand that this is only part of a short story). Keep up the good work.



Random avatar


HI Starchaser! Thank you. Nice to be welcomed on an unfamiliar site and who is passionate about creativity as much as I am.

"Rolo! Come here Rolo. Who's a good little boy?" Can I ask why you thought this phrase was awkward? I thought instead of building tension at the beginning, dive in away that is friendly and recognisable. That people may relate to. If you know what I mean?

"Rolo loves to rally through the infinity leafs" Thanks for noticing the incorrect spelling "leafs" I will make a note of that. The reason I used the word "rally" Is to portray Rolo is running through the leaves and splashing in the mud, the same way a rally car drive would do. Maybe I could of looked at more words associated with rally car driving. As "rally" does sound like street language.

Thank you so much for your time and effort in reviewing my story. Nice to know that you found it very interesting overall.

Have a good day!




Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
— Pablo Neruda