I'm a fool
I'm a fool for love
I'm a fool for loving you.
I'm foolish for ever believing that you were the one..
Who would treat me right
I believed in you
I had impeccable faith in you
I was a fool for that
I was a fool for thinking you would wipe away my tears
And not be like the rest
I thought you were different
You acted as if you cared
You deserve a Grammy
Have you ever took acting classes?
I was a fool for thinking you were telling the truth.
Have you ever hurt anyone else the way you hurt me?
The way you wrapped your hand around my heart and squeezed all my happiness out of it?
Was I your first heart break?
Was I the first human being you completely destroyed and used?
I was a fool for letting you take complete advantage of me.
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140,660 Literary Works • 673,583 Reviews
Hey Shauna! I'm here to leave a review! Hopefully you won't take my criticism personally.
You know how people say if you say a word too many times it looses its meaning? Well I feel like that's what happened here. The repetitive use of fool or any variant of the word took the emotion out of the poem. In this case less is more.
I feel like for this you could cut out the last two lines and the poem will still have the same effect. Sometimes one word is all you need. It adds to the drama.
This was worded/formatted weirdly. It didn't flow. If you take out the "..." I think it will work just fine!
I get the wanting to be "sassy" and showing the bitterness and hurt that the speaker felt, but this felt so unnatural. It felt too forced. I like that you said that they acted as if they cared but the two lines after that, in my opinion, don't quite work with it.
I like this line a lot. It really shows how the speaker is feeling. But because of the repetition of the word 'fool' it didn't bring it home for me.
Again, I really hope that my criticism didn't come off as too harsh, Keep on writing!
Hey Shauna. Gladdy here to review your first poem!
It'd be better if you took off the dots on the end of this or revise the second line with: "The one who would treat me right" as it sounds and looks much better. The way it looks and sounds now is just a little awkward.
Another thing I noticed was that your stanzas are a little wonky. It's better to have the same amount of lines in each stanza rather than a big chunk in one stanza in the middle of the poem.
"Taken" not "took." And this would be a little better if you just took it out. It disrupts the flow and sounds a tiny bit childish.
Another issue was the shaping of your lines. There are some extremely long lines and then some shorter ones.
But the main thing: This poem is just awkwardly worded. It doesn't really flow nicely compared to a lot of poems I've seen. Why don't you describe exactly what this person did to you (or the perspective you are writing from)? It'll draw the reader into the poem. Use good describing words from a thesaurus and fix this up.
Also, remember to check this over before publishing to make sure you haven't messed up with careless mistakes.
Keep writing, friend.
~Gladdy
Hello there, and may I say, congrats on working up the nerve to publish a poem! I totally understand why you might want your work to be kept private. If anyone asked to read some of my poetry, I sort of mentally freak out.
That being said, I'm glad you posted this, because now you can get feedback, and feedback is great. On to the review!
So, my first impression of this poem is that it's repetitive. Really quite repetitive. Now, sometimes you can use repetition and it works just fine, but usually that's with a strong image or idea that runs throughout the whole poem, not just one word and its variations. (Fool, foolish, etc.) So I'd go for making this more concise. Try to take out everything that isn't absolutely necessary for us to understand the poem.
Part of the reason I really recommend this is because too much repetition can diminish the effect of an otherwise powerful line. For example, I quite like the line "You deserve a Granny," since I think it's quite clever, but the continuation of "Have you ever took acting classes" makes the idea kind of overstay its welcome. Sort of like the "don't explain the joke" thing.
The other problem is that the reader doesn't really know what the person did that was so bad, and so they won't emphasize with the narrator as much because for all they know, the narrator is completely overreacting. (This isn't helped by the fact that this poem does sound a tad bit whiney.) So, throw some imagery in there. Tell us how the person led the narrator on with false promises of x/y/z.
Finally, you might want to make this sound less direct. Instead of using questions, you could say something like "I wonder if you've..." That would help it not be so repetitive.
And that's all I've got for you! Good luck and keep writing!
Thank you so much for the feedback!
This really helped me.
Good, I'm glad.
I love the line 'You deserve a Grammy'. So sassy. I think the repetition of fool, while a good idea, could be done more strategically. There's a lot of emotion in the poem which I appreciate; it feels like it's coming from a very deep part of you, which is either an awesome trick and you are the one who really deserves the Grammy, or you've brought out something that's really vulnerable and captures what poetry's supposed to be about: poetry is about feeling and communicating emotions and I think you were able to accomplish that in this. Congrats.
-tgirly
Thank you sooo much!
Hello!
Okay, so I'm here to give you a review, and I'm going to be completely honest, so don't let this review get you down. I'm trying to be helpful.
So. This was all very well and good for expressing your feelings. But it's all very I/me, and it reads very selfishly. Like I have a hard time relating to this poem because I haven't felt the way the narrator feels. And because I can't relate to the poem, I don't feel anything when I read it.
It also reads as very whiny. Like, there's no resolution. It's just talking about the narrator's problem, and there's no hope at the end, no twist. There's really no interest in this poem. It's something you might find written in a journal or something. Maybe if I knew you and the person you're writing about personally it might affect me, but as it is now, it does not.
Now to make this better, you need to some how "turn out." like, make this poem so the rest of the world can relate to it. Showing images is a good way to do this, poetic language, metaphors. What few poetic language examples you have here are pretty cliche, with the heart-squeezing, and the tear-wiping. It's not unique, I've heard it many times before.
There's also some grammar mistakes here, for example the two periods at the end of the first line of stanza 2. You might think about checking the rest of your punctuation in this. If you wanted punctuation, you should keep it consistent, and there are a lot of places in here that there just isn't any punctuation.
I hope this review helps. The flow was pretty good in this poem, and you conveyed the point well, now just get your reader to really feel involved in it! Let me know if you have any questions.
Keep writing!
~fortis
Thank you for your review. I appreciate your input.